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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  What A Good Boy Does - Optioned Moderators: bert
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  Author    What A Good Boy Does - Optioned  (currently 2766 views)
Don
Posted: September 25th, 2016, 2:35pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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What A Good Boy Does by Ben Clifford  (alsoben) - Short, Drama - A young boy feels like he needs to tell his parents about a horrifying thing that happened to him -- only to find out that they might not want to know. 10 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  October 16th, 2016, 9:15pm
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Stumpzian
Posted: September 25th, 2016, 6:42pm Report to Moderator
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Ben,
I really like the way you handled this. Poignant, restrained, very real.
Henry



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AlsoBen
Posted: September 25th, 2016, 7:01pm Report to Moderator
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Wow Don, this went up really quickly, thanks.

Before anyone reads this I'll just say, it might be a little disturbing in terms of content.



Stumpzian,

Thanks for the feedback, really appreciate it.


MY SCRIPTS:

I Don't Even Think About You Anymore (Short) 5 pages

Hera (Mystery/Drama) 83 Pages

What A Good Boy Does (Short/Drama) 10 Pages
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Warren
Posted: September 26th, 2016, 6:25am Report to Moderator
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Stomach churning stuff. Well written for the most part. A few typos that would be easy to spot on an edit.

One grammar issue. If you address someone directly in dialogue you need a comma for example: Hi John would be Hi, John. You miss these a couple of times.

Story was my kind of dark. It's quiet haunting. Nothing too original but it's well told.

Would be easy to make if someone was happy to tackle the subject matter.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb
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AlsoBen
Posted: September 26th, 2016, 7:26am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Warren, really appreciate it.


MY SCRIPTS:

I Don't Even Think About You Anymore (Short) 5 pages

Hera (Mystery/Drama) 83 Pages

What A Good Boy Does (Short/Drama) 10 Pages
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LC
Posted: September 26th, 2016, 7:44am Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Ben, you also need to correct:

Bobby lay in bed,�
Should be: Bobby lies in bed. You've written past tense as is.

Also, you begin with BLACK SCREEN but never FADE IN or OUT.

Nicely written, but I don't get the ending. That could just be me though, might be having a blonde moment.

Edit: Okay, so that final scene is just as straight forward as I thought. Jeepers, lots of really grim scripts on the boards lately.



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LC  -  September 26th, 2016, 7:15pm
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eldave1
Posted: September 26th, 2016, 12:18pm Report to Moderator
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I think there is a lot of talent displayed here. A real sense of ordinary people facing extraordinary circumstances. There are a few nits to adress:

You are missing time (DAY - NIGHT) in your slugs.


Quoted Text
BOBBY
Bye John.


Should have a comma between Bye and John. Several other areas where this happens as well.


Quoted Text
As the sun sets, Bobby walks past some middle class house,kicking a rock in front of him as he goes


Typo - should be houses (plural) or homes.

Also - descriptions like this offer an opportunity to punch it up a little, IMO. (Others will disagree can say it's over writing). But you can be more vivid. Something like:

The setting sun casts a long shadow off Bobby as he walks past...


Quoted Text
MICHAEL
I  know, I know. I would have given you more notice if I’d remembered...but he’s my boss.


A little OTN for me. I would break it up. e.g.,

MICHAEL
Sorry, I should have given you more notice. I just forgot.

JULIE
You forgot you invited your boss to dinner??

Overall - this is a solid effort that just needs a clean up.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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stevemiles
Posted: September 26th, 2016, 12:52pm Report to Moderator
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Ben,

Dark subject matter; a bit too dark for my tastes, but that’s a matter of preference and it works as much as the idea lingers long after reading.

All I can suggest is perhaps a little more tension between Bobby’s parents to empathize how important this job is to the family that Julie would even consider it a necessary ‘trade-off’.  

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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MarkItZero
Posted: September 26th, 2016, 7:01pm Report to Moderator
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This was solid stuff. Well written for the most part and a very dark, emotionally complex tale. Only issue I had was with how normal the family seems at first. Maybe you did this on purpose, but they seem happy and healthy right up till the moment she makes that astonishing decision.

Unless I misread things completely, we're dealing with a woman who was possibly sexually abused as a child and is now convincing her son to meet the same fate to keep the husband's job safe. There has to be some serious psychological issues here that go way beyond needing to bring in the next paycheck.

I would rather you dole out at least one clue early on that all is not well in this household. For example, maybe when the husband mentions the last minute boss dinner she wildly overreacts, sobbing, and he snaps at her to keep it together. Or maybe she has a habit of pulling out her hair.

That's just some ideas off the top of my head though. Possibly too extreme. They're your characters so you'd know what fits best.





That rug really tied the room together.
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AlsoBen
Posted: September 26th, 2016, 7:46pm Report to Moderator
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LC, Eldave, Steven, Markit - thanks for reading, great comments. I'm happy to hear you all had a good time reading it.

LC: You're right, I suck at little things like that. I'll fix that sort of thing in the next draft.

Eldave: The day/night thing haha! There's only one EXT scene so I would think the INT scenes don't need it, right? I feel the same way about that particular line, thanks for the help.

Steven: Great idea. Will write something like that in.

Markit: OMG that's an awesome idea. It fits with my writing style and the kind of thing I was trying to accomplish here. Can I steal something like that? EDIT: And yes, you read the script completely right. Spot on.

Thanks everyone! You da best.


MY SCRIPTS:

I Don't Even Think About You Anymore (Short) 5 pages

Hera (Mystery/Drama) 83 Pages

What A Good Boy Does (Short/Drama) 10 Pages
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MarkItZero
Posted: September 26th, 2016, 11:15pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AlsoBen
Can I steal something like that?


Of course. So long as it doesn't start a trend of people listening to my incoherent ramblings.

One other thing -- I promise I'll get to your feature eventually. I've already read some of it and you've got a knack for dialogue. But it might take me a week to get around to notes.


That rug really tied the room together.
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khamanna
Posted: September 27th, 2016, 2:17am Report to Moderator
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Hey,

This is very well done. Dark but effective.

I think Julie made up her mind way too fast. She kind of changed her mind about a big thing and we didn't get to see it. Why would she want to keep it a secret and make Bobby suffer any further - I think this ought to be explained. The ending reads a bit dissatisfying for me - I think if you adjust the middle the ending would sound very right.

What you have makes very good sense - I just want you to add to it.

And I suggest you make mom's motive clearer - she was abused by the priest? And she is not against abuse because she used to be kind of used to it. At the same time she want her husband to keep his job.
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AlsoBen
Posted: September 27th, 2016, 6:26am Report to Moderator
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khamanna: Thanks for reading and reviewing. I appreciate your views, and you've echoed a lot of comments here. I'm probably going to take Mark's advice and give Julie more motivation.


MY SCRIPTS:

I Don't Even Think About You Anymore (Short) 5 pages

Hera (Mystery/Drama) 83 Pages

What A Good Boy Does (Short/Drama) 10 Pages
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JakeJon
Posted: September 27th, 2016, 12:19pm Report to Moderator
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I was a little, scratch that, tremendously, uncomfortably, over the top sickened by the story.  You know from the start where the story is going and I vomited early on;  with Bobby.  So congrats, good writing I guess.  My stomach is still on the queasy side.  

I'm new to screenwriting but at the end of your script:

John says, "Do you want to show me your comics after dinner?"

Bobby looks to his father . . . .

John says, "Can I Dad?"

When I first read, I thought you were throwing a curve ball.  Just a typo? yes?
Good stuff!
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spesh2k
Posted: September 27th, 2016, 2:46pm Report to Moderator
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The writing was pretty good here (an improvement of what I last read of yours). It was a fast read. But it sort of left me feeling empty inside. So, Bobby, a child, is pretty much taking one for the team so that his father's job remains stable. Christ, that sucks. You did a good job making me care about what happens, it was effective. And the ending made me queasy, which is, I guess, what you were going for. But still. I was kind of hoping something would happen to John. But, to my dismay, John kind of wins and gets away with what he's doing, opening up the possibility of things escalating in the future. And the mother... good lord, what a despicable person. She's actually the real villain in this one, at least IMO. Was kind of hoping that the mother would maybe give John a hint that she knew. So that John would know that she knew.

Overall, you got a strong reaction from me, so that's saying something.

-- Michael


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