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This is the kind of story that always disturbs. It leads one along, and it never gets explicit, although mom susses out the meaning since she had a similar episode. There are some formatting issues, and I think you can scrub the dialogue. Overall, it's a good job.
I think you need to bolster mom's decision to do nothing. Either the loss of the job will send them to the poor house, or she has come to accept and perhaps embrace her time with good old father whats-his-name. The second reason is far darker and you can imply what she misses that special time? But a mom who condones what is going on will be unliked by the audience--as she should be.
This caught me off guard, and in a good way. It really only revealed itself to me in those final lines. I thought Julie was coaxing Bobby to confide in her by bringing up her own past and that she and Michael were dealing with it in their own way. I assumed that Bobby had been told to keep quiet at the dinner table around John so as not to arouse suspicion that he had divulged his “secret”. Thus, when the subject of comic books comes up, instigated by Michael, I anticipated an explosive and revelatory confrontation...but no...something far more sinister emerges.
Now, maybe I'm just slow on the uptake, others will have copped sooner what was going down but I'm assuming this is the exact reaction you were aiming for from the reader. You kept the dialogue oblique enough so that we're not entirely sure how these parents are going to handle the situation, until it hits us in that closing exchange. So for that alone, I applaud you. Firstly, it’s a well handled and effective reveal but more so because it’s a somewhat novel and bold approach to take with this type of premise.
Usually when dealing with such dark and heavy subject matter as this, the tendency is to double down on the depravity of the situation by either having an extended molestation scene or the victim isn’t listened or he/she retreats further into isolation, hopelessness and eventual suicide. There is often a sadistic nihilism to proceedings in which the primary goal is to shock and disgust us. Here, however, there is a glimmer of hope, a glimpse of a way out for the poor kid. You can see the shock on Julie’s face, the realisation of what’s happening and the choice she is about to make. There is humanity there, albeit warped. Unfortunately (for Bobby’s sake), this is all turned on its head in the most troubling way which makes it all the more painful.
I appreciate you are trying to keep the script as short and concise as possible but I wonder could we get more insight into Michael's situation with Bob? Yes we know it’s a boss/employee dynamic and we can only infer that it must be a very important job since we are given no inkling as to what is at stake besides a wage. There has got to be more on the line here. What type of a job is it? What horrors are to befall the family if he were to confront John/notify the authorities and lose this job? Just how powerful a figure is John? Only 2 types of people come to mind that would engender this type of loyalty, a crime boss or a politician
I feel it’s vital that this is developed more since what we witness here is a mother (and presumably father as its Michael who brings up the subject of comic books to John) willing to not only turn a blind eye to keep the boss sweet but actively encourage this wretchedness to continue to maintain said pay check. That suggests pure evil on the parent’s part which isn’t so interesting as it leaves us with nothing to wrestle with. On the other hand, perhaps you could insert some incentives/complications/extenuating circumstances into their situation that obviously don’t justify their actions but would at least add more weight and plausibility to their decision and give us something to chew on.
Anyway, interesting work.
Col.
P.s. I just saw in the comments above that this got picked up. Congrats. Did you get it made?
Yeah, it got made. I saw a mostly finished version on a private vimeo and was told not share it and she intended it for festivals/comps. I then lost contact with the director for two years and it hasn't been made public, so I assume she lost interest in doing so (or died?).
It's a shame because I've had two shorts produced and it was the most technically fine one, but I'm on standing order that I can't share it.
EDIT: Thanks for the feedback. I'm not re-drafting this any time soon but I appreciate it nonetheless.
Yeah, it got made. I saw a mostly finished version on a private vimeo and was told not share it and she intended it for festivals/comps. I then lost contact with the director for two years and it hasn't been made public, so I assume she lost interest in doing so (or died?).
It's a shame because I've had two shorts produced and it was the most technically fine one, but I'm on standing order that I can't share it.
That's a pity. Most people here have stories like that. The fact that the film was made and then you lost contact with the filmmaker is particularly frustrating. Either way, let's hope she's ok
Gave this one a read too. Wow. Great ending. The writing is solid and it tackles a complicated issue with subtlety and elegance, but the ending is what really made it special for me. It's been a while since the final lines of a script made me feel so sad, or angry, or both at the same time!
Kudos for getting it optioned and filmed. It's a shame we can't see it on the screen.
Oh, I got that...but ceasing contact after the film was made is rather odd. Especially since, as you say, she did a decent job with it.
Also, I assume you noticed there is no writer credited. Do you know why?
I watched the film, its an effective piece with strong performances. Unfortunately, for me, it succumbs to that too familiar flaw in low budget shorts where they feel the need to shoehorn in cloying, unnecessary music. As if they don't trust the writing and actors to convey the story, emotion, etc. Which I feel they do very well here without a score.
It was a good decision not to show John at the beginning as it builds suspense. We're eager to put a face to this haunting spectre...and lo and behold, its fuc?king Rupert Murdoch! Of course it is!
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What A Good Boy Does - Optioned
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