What A Good Boy Does by Ben Clifford  (alsoben) - Short, Drama - A young boy feels like he needs to tell his parents about a horrifying thing that happened to him -- only to find out that they might not want to know. 10 pages - pdf, format

Ben,
I really like the way you handled this. Poignant, restrained, very real.
Henry

Wow Don, this went up really quickly, thanks.

Before anyone reads this I'll just say, it might be a little disturbing in terms of content.



Stumpzian,

Thanks for the feedback, really appreciate it.

Stomach churning stuff. Well written for the most part. A few typos that would be easy to spot on an edit.

One grammar issue. If you address someone directly in dialogue you need a comma for example: Hi John would be Hi, John. You miss these a couple of times.

Story was my kind of dark. It's quiet haunting. Nothing too original but it's well told.

Would be easy to make if someone was happy to tackle the subject matter.

Thanks for the read Warren, really appreciate it.

Ben, you also need to correct:

Bobby lay in bed,�
Should be: Bobby lies in bed. You've written past tense as is.

Also, you begin with BLACK SCREEN but never FADE IN or OUT.

Nicely written, but I don't get the ending. That could just be me though, might be having a blonde moment.

Edit: Okay, so that final scene is just as straight forward as I thought. Jeepers, lots of really grim scripts on the boards lately.

I think there is a lot of talent displayed here. A real sense of ordinary people facing extraordinary circumstances. There are a few nits to adress:

You are missing time (DAY - NIGHT) in your slugs.

Quoted Text BOBBY Bye John.

Should have a comma between Bye and John. Several other areas where this happens as well.

Quoted Text As the sun sets, Bobby walks past some middle class house,kicking a rock in front of him as he goes

Typo - should be houses (plural) or homes.

Also - descriptions like this offer an opportunity to punch it up a little, IMO. (Others will disagree can say it's over writing). But you can be more vivid. Something like:

The setting sun casts a long shadow off Bobby as he walks past...

Quoted Text MICHAEL I  know, I know. I would have given you more notice if I’d remembered...but he’s my boss.

A little OTN for me. I would break it up. e.g.,

MICHAEL
Sorry, I should have given you more notice. I just forgot.

JULIE
You forgot you invited your boss to dinner??

Overall - this is a solid effort that just needs a clean up.

Ben,

Dark subject matter; a bit too dark for my tastes, but that’s a matter of preference and it works as much as the idea lingers long after reading.

All I can suggest is perhaps a little more tension between Bobby’s parents to empathize how important this job is to the family that Julie would even consider it a necessary ‘trade-off’.  

Steve

This was solid stuff. Well written for the most part and a very dark, emotionally complex tale. Only issue I had was with how normal the family seems at first. Maybe you did this on purpose, but they seem happy and healthy right up till the moment she makes that astonishing decision.

Unless I misread things completely, we're dealing with a woman who was possibly sexually abused as a child and is now convincing her son to meet the same fate to keep the husband's job safe. There has to be some serious psychological issues here that go way beyond needing to bring in the next paycheck.

I would rather you dole out at least one clue early on that all is not well in this household. For example, maybe when the husband mentions the last minute boss dinner she wildly overreacts, sobbing, and he snaps at her to keep it together. Or maybe she has a habit of pulling out her hair.

That's just some ideas off the top of my head though. Possibly too extreme. They're your characters so you'd know what fits best.

LC, Eldave, Steven, Markit - thanks for reading, great comments. I'm happy to hear you all had a good time reading it.

LC: You're right, I suck at little things like that. I'll fix that sort of thing in the next draft.

Eldave: The day/night thing haha! There's only one EXT scene so I would think the INT scenes don't need it, right? I feel the same way about that particular line, thanks for the help.

Steven: Great idea. Will write something like that in.

Markit: OMG that's an awesome idea. It fits with my writing style and the kind of thing I was trying to accomplish here. Can I steal something like that? EDIT: And yes, you read the script completely right. Spot on.

Thanks everyone! You da best.

Quoted from AlsoBen Can I steal something like that?

Of course. So long as it doesn't start a trend of people listening to my incoherent ramblings.

One other thing -- I promise I'll get to your feature eventually. I've already read some of it and you've got a knack for dialogue. But it might take me a week to get around to notes.

Hey,

This is very well done. Dark but effective.

I think Julie made up her mind way too fast. She kind of changed her mind about a big thing and we didn't get to see it. Why would she want to keep it a secret and make Bobby suffer any further - I think this ought to be explained. The ending reads a bit dissatisfying for me - I think if you adjust the middle the ending would sound very right.

What you have makes very good sense - I just want you to add to it.

And I suggest you make mom's motive clearer - she was abused by the priest? And she is not against abuse because she used to be kind of used to it. At the same time she want her husband to keep his job.

khamanna: Thanks for reading and reviewing. I appreciate your views, and you've echoed a lot of comments here. I'm probably going to take Mark's advice and give Julie more motivation.

I was a little, scratch that, tremendously, uncomfortably, over the top sickened by the story.  You know from the start where the story is going and I vomited early on;  with Bobby.  So congrats, good writing I guess.  My stomach is still on the queasy side.  

I'm new to screenwriting but at the end of your script:

John says, "Do you want to show me your comics after dinner?"

Bobby looks to his father . . . .

John says, "Can I Dad?"

When I first read, I thought you were throwing a curve ball.  Just a typo? yes?
Good stuff!

The writing was pretty good here (an improvement of what I last read of yours). It was a fast read. But it sort of left me feeling empty inside. So, Bobby, a child, is pretty much taking one for the team so that his father's job remains stable. Christ, that sucks. You did a good job making me care about what happens, it was effective. And the ending made me queasy, which is, I guess, what you were going for. But still. I was kind of hoping something would happen to John. But, to my dismay, John kind of wins and gets away with what he's doing, opening up the possibility of things escalating in the future. And the mother... good lord, what a despicable person. She's actually the real villain in this one, at least IMO. Was kind of hoping that the mother would maybe give John a hint that she knew. So that John would know that she knew.

Overall, you got a strong reaction from me, so that's saying something.

-- Michael

JakeJon: Thanks for the read. Yes, you are right :p

Spesh: Cheers for the read. Appreciate the feedback.

some notes.

This is the kind of story that always disturbs.  It leads one along, and it never gets explicit, although mom susses out the meaning since she had a similar episode.  There are some formatting issues, and I think you can scrub the dialogue.  Overall, it's a good job.

I think you need to bolster mom's decision to do nothing.  Either the loss of the job will send them to the poor house, or she has come to accept and perhaps embrace her time with good old father whats-his-name.  The second reason is far darker and you can imply what she misses that special time?  But a mom who condones what is going on will be unliked by the audience--as she should be.  

Good job.

Best
Richard

Hey Richard. Thanks for reading.

Quoted Text and I think you can scrub the dialogue.

Am I interpreting this right? Get rid of ALL the dialogue?

Quoted Text or she has come to accept and perhaps embrace her time with good old father whats-his-name

This is another really good idea. I might take you up on that.

Really appreciate the feedback.

Scrub means to go over it and get read of anything extraneous....so keep most of it.

Richard

This has been picked up

Congrats, it's all happening.

That is super news. Congrats!

Congrats Ben!

Ben

This caught me off guard, and in a good way. It really only revealed itself to me in those final lines. I thought Julie was coaxing Bobby to confide in her by bringing up her own past and that she and Michael were dealing with it in their own way. I assumed that Bobby had been told to keep quiet at the dinner table around John so as not to arouse suspicion that he had divulged his “secret”. Thus, when the subject of comic books comes up, instigated by Michael, I anticipated an explosive and revelatory confrontation...but no...something far more sinister emerges.

Now, maybe I'm just slow on the uptake, others will have copped sooner what was going down but I'm assuming this is the exact reaction you were aiming for from the reader. You kept the dialogue oblique enough so that we're not entirely sure how these parents are going to handle the situation, until it hits us in that closing exchange. So for that alone, I applaud you. Firstly, it’s a well handled and effective reveal but more so because it’s a somewhat novel and bold approach to take with this type of premise.

Usually when dealing with such dark and heavy subject matter as this, the tendency is to double down on the depravity of the situation by either having an extended molestation scene or the victim isn’t listened or he/she retreats further into isolation, hopelessness and eventual suicide. There is often a sadistic nihilism to proceedings in which the primary goal is to shock and disgust us. Here, however, there is a glimmer of hope, a glimpse of a way out for the poor kid. You can see the shock on Julie’s face, the realisation of what’s happening and the choice she is about to make. There is humanity there, albeit warped. Unfortunately (for Bobby’s sake), this is all turned on its head in the most troubling way which makes it all the more painful.

I appreciate you are trying to keep the script as short and concise as possible but I wonder could we get more insight into Michael's situation with Bob? Yes we know it’s a boss/employee dynamic and we can only infer that it must be a very important job since we are given no inkling as to what is at stake besides a wage. There has got to be more on the line here. What type of a job is it? What horrors are to befall the family if he were to confront John/notify the authorities and lose this job? Just how powerful a figure is John? Only 2 types of people come to mind that would engender this type of loyalty, a crime boss or a politician

I feel it’s vital that this is developed more since what we witness here is a mother (and presumably father as its Michael who brings up the subject of comic books to John) willing to not only turn a blind eye to keep the boss sweet but actively encourage this wretchedness to continue to maintain said pay check. That suggests pure evil on the parent’s part which isn’t so interesting as it leaves us with nothing to wrestle with. On the other hand, perhaps you could insert some incentives/complications/extenuating circumstances into their situation that obviously don’t justify their actions but would at least add more weight and plausibility to their decision and give us something to chew on.

Anyway, interesting work.

Col.

P.s. I just saw in the comments above that this got picked up. Congrats. Did you get it made?

Yeah, it got made. I saw a mostly finished version on a private vimeo and was told not share it and she intended it for festivals/comps. I then lost contact with the director for two years and it hasn't been made public, so I assume she lost interest in doing so (or died?).

It's a shame because I've had two shorts produced and it was the most technically fine one, but I'm on standing order that I can't share it.

EDIT: Thanks for the feedback. I'm not re-drafting this any time soon but I appreciate it nonetheless.

Quoted from AlsoBen Yeah, it got made. I saw a mostly finished version on a private vimeo and was told not share it and she intended it for festivals/comps. I then lost contact with the director for two years and it hasn't been made public, so I assume she lost interest in doing so (or died?). It's a shame because I've had two shorts produced and it was the most technically fine one, but I'm on standing order that I can't share it.

That's a pity. Most people here have stories like that. The fact that the film was made and then you lost contact with the filmmaker is particularly frustrating. Either way, let's hope she's ok

I was joking. I'm sure she's not dead.

Hey Ben,

Gave this one a read too. Wow. Great ending. The writing is solid and it tackles a complicated issue with subtlety and elegance, but the ending is what really made it special for me. It's been a while since the final lines of a script made me feel so sad, or angry, or both at the same time!

Kudos for getting it optioned and filmed. It's a shame we can't see it on the screen.

David

Quoted from AlsoBen I was joking. I'm sure she's not dead.

Oh, I got that...but ceasing contact after the film was made is rather odd. Especially since, as you say, she did a decent job with it.

Also, I assume you noticed there is no writer credited. Do you know why?

I watched the film, its an effective piece with strong performances. Unfortunately, for me, it succumbs to that too familiar flaw in low budget shorts where they feel the need to shoehorn in cloying, unnecessary music. As if they don't trust the writing and actors to convey the story, emotion, etc. Which I feel they do very well here without a score.

It was a good decision not to show John at the beginning as it builds suspense. We're eager to put a face to this haunting spectre...and lo and behold, its fuc?king Rupert Murdoch! Of course it is!

I remember her saying sound/music wasn't finished, which may explain the score.

I have emailed her for the first time in two years just to see what's up with it. Who knows?

EDIT: Nor were the credits finished. Hence no written by credit.

Quoted from AlsoBen I remember her saying sound/music wasn't finished, which may explain the score. I have emailed her for the first time in two years just to see what's up with it. Who knows? EDIT: Nor were the credits finished. Hence no written by credit.

Fair enough re: music. I don't really buy the unfinished credits line though since the script is a fundamental aspect of making a film. It should be one of the first credits.

Anyway, I hope she responds.

For some reason, this reminds me of another short I wrote (on request of the young director who liked another thing I wrote - he wanted one specific location with minimal cuts "his style") that IS publicly available with my name it. And I'm not a huge fan.

I wrote this with the director's significant constraints. I pretty much only liked his cinematography and lighting. I'm pretty sure the actors were friends or cousins.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hG3nC-IHpiA

If he sees this, no disrespect - I couldn't direct a short.

Quoted from AlsoBen For some reason, this reminds me of another short I wrote (on request of the young director who liked another thing I wrote - he wanted one specific location with minimal cuts "his style") that IS publicly available with my name it. And I'm not a huge fan. I wrote this with the director's significant constraints. I pretty much only liked his cinematography and lighting. I'm pretty sure the actors were friends or cousins. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hG3nC-IHpiA If he sees this, no disrespect - I couldn't direct a short.

Not bad at all. Sure, the acting is a little wooden but I agree, I like his aesthetic and thankfully there was none of that tingly piano nonsense playing in the background

Nice Dead Man's Shoes-esque twist too.

If anyone's interested, the director filmed this way back in 2017 and never released it publicly but you can view an unfinished version here: https://vimeo.com/207886706

The password is URSAGB

I've tired contacting her for permission but I don't think she intends to do anything with it anyway. If you see this director, let me know and I'll delete - I just wanted to share

Do you know what was unfinished about it? Seems pretty complete. The sound is a bit iffy in places but as a whole the colour is good, the score is down.

I did notice she left you out of the credits... any particular reason?

I thought it came out well, the kid was especially good.

I think the music was placeholder. And the credits weren't done I believe. She credits me in the vimeo description so I'm sure it wasn't intentional.

Yeah the kid was really good. I've since seen him in some speaking roles on proper TV and big movies which is cool.

Great job, Ben.

I agree with Warren that the kid was particularly good.
Wonder why she shelved it.

In case you're not aware your short under The Good Boy features in her demo reel on her website.

https://www.jilliankibler.com/

Thanks for the sneak peek. I think you should be pretty proud, despite your name being omitted from the credits. Btw, a perfect place for your name is at the start right under the title over black. It looks unfinished that opening so Jillian's obviously meaning to pop it in there sometime soon.  

Nice!

Kid is amazing