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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Blood Brothers Moderators: bert
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  Author    Blood Brothers  (currently 191 views)
Don
Posted: April 7th, 2018, 7:55pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Blood Brothers by Paul Knauer (PKCardinal) writing as  - Short, Drama - A man holds his friends to an agreement they all made 60 years earlier. 9 pages

production: Total cast: five. Four male, aged 78. One female, adult, age not specific. Low production cost. One location: a cabin in the woods.  No effects. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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LC
Posted: April 7th, 2018, 11:09pm Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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You definitely have a way with the words, PK.

I read the original version in the tournament and now this version. I see perhaps you added a little?

Personally I'd write: rolls his eyes 'at', not 'to', but that's probably personal preference.

Great easy dialogue, nice pithy character descriptions, and you evoke the atmosphere and camerarderie of the blokes at the  reunion with some very pro writing. I do wonder at the depth of the original blood-brothers ritual for them all to have thumb scars that deep, but hey, this is a film and they were in 'Nam, so perfectly plausible.

One thing I would do is ditch the phone number on the title page. Email will suffice and is the norm.

Looking forward to reading more of yours.
Really nice work.


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Warren
Posted: April 7th, 2018, 11:14pm Report to Moderator
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It's a really great script.

A personal favourite of mine.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

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PKCardinal
Posted: April 9th, 2018, 11:28am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
You definitely have a way with the words, PK.

I read the original version in the tournament and now this version. I see perhaps you added a little?

Personally I'd write: rolls his eyes 'at', not 'to', but that's probably personal preference.

Great easy dialogue, nice pithy character descriptions, and you evoke the atmosphere and camerarderie of the blokes at the  reunion with some very pro writing. I do wonder at the depth of the original blood-brothers ritual for them all to have thumb scars that deep, but hey, this is a film and they were in 'Nam, so perfectly plausible.

One thing I would do is ditch the phone number on the title page. Email will suffice and is the norm.

Looking forward to reading more of yours.
Really nice work.


Thank you for the feedback. And the compliments. Every writer likes compliments!

Yes, this is a slightly expanded version of the contest entry. I wanted to draw out the Gina character just a tad, as she represents the men's loss of independence. Plus, I wanted to smooth out the Vietnam connection, since that was a tripping point for several reviewers. Finally, since I didn't have to stay within the contest page count parameter, I very slightly expanded the final scene, just to better establish my vision for the pacing of the last couple shots.

The eye roll is written to indicate that Butch rolls his eyes to Leon as a reaction to Gina's controlling nature. "At" makes it sound like he's rolling his eyes about Leon. I think. I'll take anybody's thoughts on this, as I want the script to be clear.

Thanks!!


Happy to trade reviews... just ask.
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colkurtz8
Posted: April 13th, 2018, 7:15am Report to Moderator
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Paul

Very affecting piece, tight as a drum. I figured where it was going early on with the mysterious drink and fatalistic exchanges between the men but it took a clever and unanticipated turn just when it looked liked to be playing into expectations...before their chosen destiny does get fulfilled.

Very natural camaraderie between the characters too, in such a short space of time you got a real sense of a life lived together.

It takes great skill to make something essentially sad and morbid come off so poignant, and uplifting in a certain way.

Good work.

Col.


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PKCardinal
Posted: April 16th, 2018, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from colkurtz8
Paul

Very affecting piece, tight as a drum. I figured where it was going early on with the mysterious drink and fatalistic exchanges between the men but it took a clever and unanticipated turn just when it looked liked to be playing into expectations...before their chosen destiny does get fulfilled.

Very natural camaraderie between the characters too, in such a short space of time you got a real sense of a life lived together.

It takes great skill to make something essentially sad and morbid come off so poignant, and uplifting in a certain way.

Good work.

Col.


Thank you for the kind words, and for taking the time to read my work.

Much appreciated.

Best,
Paul



Happy to trade reviews... just ask.
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