SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is September 22nd, 2018, 10:31pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration

The Night Gallery 7 Week Challenge
has begun!

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Glass Bottles Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Glass Bottles  (currently 370 views)
Don
Posted: May 27th, 2018, 4:58pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12636
Posts Per Day
1.96
Glass Bottles by David González - Short, Horror - Three petty burglars sneak into a remote house unbeknownst that there’s a strange evil waiting for them inside. 15 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  August 31st, 2018, 2:29pm
revised draft
Logged
Site Private Message
Zombie Sean
Posted: May 29th, 2018, 6:15pm Report to Moderator
Yellow


A boozer, a user, and a two-time loser

Location
Anywhere there's a zombie...
Posts
1474
Posts Per Day
0.31
Hey David,

This was a fun short. It starts off with a very 'Don't Breathe' vibe. I like the direction you took it in. I always like myself a good supernatural story and I think you did a good job with it. The story had a good flow to it and some horrific elements, I might say. Your imagery was well written and easy enough to imagine. I liked the part where Cole shoots his gun and it illuminates his face as well as the figure behind him.

The characters were good, though an odd bunch. How did Dylan end up with these two? And I get that he's the younger brotherly type, but he's gotta have some motivation to be a part of this robbery triad. Cole is the leader, and Jane is along for the ride it seems like thru her love for Cole, so how does Dylan come into play? Especially since Cole goes into the house by himself, why is Dylan even there? You should have all three of them go into the house and separate to search different rooms. Then they hear the gunshots and then go back out to the car to get the other gun and continue on from there? Otherwise, Jane and Dylan don't have much purpose for the robbery attempt, Dylan moreso.

I think Jane should call out to Cole when she first hears the footsteps running toward the door. Then when she doesn't receive a response, she realizes that it's not him and then goes to slam the door shut.

When Jane is searching through the house, why would she suddenly stop her search for her boyfriend for some glass bottles sitting on the table? They can't be THAT intriguing. You should have them shake to catch her attention, or something.

God, it's a good thing Dylan noticed the blood coming from Jane's mouth or him kissing her dead body would've just been weird.

I'm trying to imagine how the bottle shakes in such a way that it warns Dylan. I guess if it kind of motions toward Jane behind him then that would make sense. Maybe he sees Jane's reflection in the glass bottle coming up behind him?

Overall this was a fun little short. I enjoyed it a lot! Let me know if there's anything I didn't cover that you would like to talk about.


MY WEBSITE

CLICK A POSTER
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 8
Philostrate
Posted: May 30th, 2018, 3:06pm Report to Moderator
Red



Posts
75
Posts Per Day
0.35
Hi Sean,

Thanks for the read. Glad you enjoyed it!


Quoted Text
It starts off with a very 'Don't Breathe' vibe.


I agree with you. Both kind of start with a similar premise, but then 'Glass Bottles' goes into a different direction…


Quoted Text
The characters were good, though an odd bunch. How did Dylan end up with these two? And I get that he's the younger brotherly type, but he's gotta have some motivation to be a part of this robbery triad. Cole is the leader, and Jane is along for the ride it seems like thru her love for Cole, so how does Dylan come into play?


Haha, I couldn't agree more. They really are an odd bunch! They are all there for the money, especially Cole. But, in a way, Jane is also there for Cole. And Dylan is there for Jane.

I picture Dylan as an insecure boy and a loser. He’s a street boy that thinks that joining these two he is going to grow tougher and get some money in the process (even stand a chance to rob Jane from Cole!). He doesn't understand they are just using him. Particularly, Cole.


Quoted Text
Especially since Cole goes into the house by himself, why is Dylan even there? You should have all three of them go into the house and separate to search different rooms. Then they hear the gunshots and then go back out to the car to get the other gun and continue on from there? Otherwise, Jane and Dylan don't have much purpose for the robbery attempt, Dylan moreso.


My idea is that Cole thinks that the robbery is going to be as easy as pie, so he wants to go alone not to wake up the house owner. Jane and Dylan are just the getaway drivers and, in case something happens, a backup. In that case, one person will go in to help him and the other will wait in the car with the keys in the ignition.

Do you think it needs further explanation in the script?


Quoted Text
I think Jane should call out to Cole when she first hears the footsteps running toward the door. Then when she doesn't receive a response, she realizes that it's not him and then goes to slam the door shut.


You're totally right. Thanks!


Quoted Text
When Jane is searching through the house, why would she suddenly stop her search for her boyfriend for some glass bottles sitting on the table? They can't be THAT intriguing. You should have them shake to catch her attention, or something.


I like the idea of the bottles shaking to draw Jane's interest while she's scanning the basement. One of them does it a little later, but Jane is already in front of them.

I'm going to rewrite this part and make the bottle shake before to draw her interest. Thanks .


Quoted Text
God, it's a good thing Dylan noticed the blood coming from Jane's mouth or him kissing her dead body would've just been weird.


Yeah, pretty weird. But it was kind of intended.  

In my mind, this was a powerful scene. It starts with delicacy and then grows weirder and weirder with each new thing happening. I'm not completely sure if it transmitted onto the page but I'm happy with the result.


Quoted Text
I'm trying to imagine how the bottle shakes in such a way that it warns Dylan. I guess if it kind of motions toward Jane behind him then that would make sense. Maybe he sees Jane's reflection in the glass bottle coming up behind him?


I pictured the bottle moving forward and backward while its glass vibrates, scratching the table (this last thing was written but then I removed it). From your words, I see I still have to work on the visuals of this part. I love the idea of Jane reflecting on the bottle, I'll try to add it too .

Very useful feedback, Sean.

Many thanks!

David


My Website

Shorts:
Glass Bottles
The Last Guardian of Magic
Lady Justice - Picked-up!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 8
Zombie Sean
Posted: May 30th, 2018, 3:44pm Report to Moderator
Yellow


A boozer, a user, and a two-time loser

Location
Anywhere there's a zombie...
Posts
1474
Posts Per Day
0.31

Quoted Text
I agree with you. Both kind of start with a similar premise, but then 'Glass Bottles' goes into a different direction…


Yes, I was very happy with how this turned out! Always love me some spooky shit!


Quoted Text
Haha, I couldn't agree more. They really are an odd bunch! They are all there for the money, especially Cole. But, in a way, Jane is also there for Cole. And Dylan is there for Jane.

I picture Dylan as an insecure boy and a loser. He’s a street boy that thinks that joining these two he is going to grow tougher and get some money in the process (even stand a chance to rob Jane from Cole!). He doesn't understand they are just using him. Particularly, Cole...

...

My idea is that Cole thinks that the robbery is going to be as easy as pie, so he wants to go alone not to wake up the house owner. Jane and Dylan are just the getaway drivers and, in case something happens, a backup. In that case, one person will go in to help him and the other will wait in the car with the keys in the ignition.

Do you think it needs further explanation in the script?


I think you could go into a bit more explanation with this. Maybe have a scene where they're traveling to the house with an extra page or two of dialogue to help set up the characters and story a bit more. Cole explains the heist, how he will go in while Dylan and Jane wait at the van as getaway drivers and backup. Maybe Dylan could start to chicken out, but Jane coaxes him into staying? By being a bit flirtatious maybe? Maybe Cole could catch Dylan eyeing Jane from the backseat and he could say, "You're here for the money, right? You want it, you gotta work for it." or "What are you more interested in? The money or the company?" Also, maybe show more how Cole is using Dylan. How is he using him exactly? Does he plan to drop Dylan like a dime once they get the money and he and Jane run off without him?


Quoted Text
I like the idea of the bottles shaking to draw Jane's interest while she's scanning the basement. One of them does it a little later, but Jane is already in front of them.


I think you should do this. Her suddenly stopping to look at some bottles was a bit out of character, for anyone who is searching for their boyfriend after hearing gunshots.


Quoted Text
Yeah, pretty weird. But it was kind of intended.  

In my mind, this was a powerful scene. It starts with delicacy and then grows weirder and weirder with each new thing happening. I'm not completely sure if it transmitted onto the page but I'm happy with the result.


I think you did a good job transmitting this onto paper. It just weirded me out, so good job!


Quoted Text
I pictured the bottle moving forward and backward while its glass vibrates, scratching the table (this last thing was written but then I removed it). From your words, I see I still have to work on the visuals of this part. I love the idea of Jane reflecting on the bottle, I'll try to add it too .


You should write it like that, then. "The bottle SHAKES and RATTLES. It moves forward and backward. Almost like...a warning!" Something like that lol


Good job


MY WEBSITE

CLICK A POSTER
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 8
Philostrate
Posted: May 30th, 2018, 5:07pm Report to Moderator
Red



Posts
75
Posts Per Day
0.35

Quoted Text
I think you could go into a bit more explanation with this. Maybe have a scene where they're traveling to the house with an extra page or two of dialogue to help set up the characters and story a bit more. Cole explains the heist, how he will go in while Dylan and Jane wait at the van as getaway drivers and backup. Maybe Dylan could start to chicken out, but Jane coaxes him into staying? By being a bit flirtatious maybe? Maybe Cole could catch Dylan eyeing Jane from the backseat and he could say, "You're here for the money, right? You want it, you gotta work for it." or "What are you more interested in? The money or the company?" Also, maybe show more how Cole is using Dylan. How is he using him exactly? Does he plan to drop Dylan like a dime once they get the money and he and Jane run off without him?


Okay. I will give it some thought to see what I can come up with to . Not a bad idea.


Quoted Text
I think you should do this. Her suddenly stopping to look at some bottles was a bit out of character, for anyone who is searching for their boyfriend after hearing gunshots.


Sure!


Quoted Text
You should write it like that, then. "The bottle SHAKES and RATTLES. It moves forward and backward. Almost like...a warning!" Something like that lol


Yes, something like that… I'll take it from here


Quoted Text
Good job



Thanks again for your help Sean!



My Website

Shorts:
Glass Bottles
The Last Guardian of Magic
Lady Justice - Picked-up!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 8
Philostrate
Posted: June 24th, 2018, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
Red



Posts
75
Posts Per Day
0.35
Thanks for getting the new draft up so quickly, Don and thanks to Sean for helping set a few things right.


My Website

Shorts:
Glass Bottles
The Last Guardian of Magic
Lady Justice - Picked-up!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 8
colkurtz8
Posted: July 4th, 2018, 11:34pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1603
Posts Per Day
0.44
David

COLE
Don’t do anything stupid and we’ll
leave you harmless.

- Maybe it’s just where I’m from but using “harmless” in this context seems odd. “...leave you alone” or “We won’t hurt you” reads more naturally.

“She finds it near the bottom of the stairs.”

- A light switch at the bottom of a basement stairs? This house is weird! Who fu?king designed it?!

“Dylan listens in awe.”
- I don’t think “awe” is the appropriate term here. “Shock”, “fear”, “terrified” would be more suitable.

“Secondhand condoms...”

- Who keeps their used condoms in the trunk of their car?

“He considers his options.

After a long, pregnant ride-or-die moment...”

- I love these “flight or fight” decisions in films and often have them in my own writing so I appreciate you lingering in the moment here. I think it comes from my love of Pulp Fiction and the part when Butch has the chance to bail but decides to turn back and help Marcellus.

“Dylan’s heart misses a beat. The pipe wrench falls to the
floor. CLANK!”

- Shit, man, keep that wrench close by!

I’m thinking English might not be your first language given the occasional grammatical error. If so, well done, since, outside of a those few easily fixed mistakes, this is written well.

I enjoyed this, effectively creepy. It was more than just you’re standard haunted house story. You clearly put a bit of thought into the specific kid of ghoul which stalks this particular house. I wondered from that great opening scene what the significance of the bottles were and the pay off was worth it. Somewhat original, disturbing, visually and aurally striking. The sound of the shaking bottles alone would be truly terrifying.

It left me wanting to know more, in a good way.

I wonder could we get more in the set up though. Yes, there is some talk about there being money in the house somewhere but who told them this? Why would they believe it? Who is this Haitian guy? He seems like such a specifically drawn character yet we learn nothing about him except he lives in this house and is adept at voodoo.

I understand you want to get to the central scenario of three characters entering a spooky house and getting picked off one by one as soon as possible but how we end up here feels underdeveloped and rushed.

At 17 pages, should it more a more roundly developed story? Others will disagree and applaud you for just going straight into the horror and drama without any tedious build up and I can acknowledge that too...However, without any context for the characters (outside of Dylan and Jane’s dynamic) or the situation the emotional investment is considerably lessened.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 8
Philostrate
Posted: July 5th, 2018, 2:01pm Report to Moderator
Red



Posts
75
Posts Per Day
0.35
Hi Howard,

Thanks for taking the time to read the script.

This one hasn't got much attention and I appreciate every read.


Quoted Text
- Maybe it’s just where I’m from but using “harmless” in this context seems odd. “...leave you alone” or “We won’t hurt you” reads more naturally.


I agree with you, "we won't hurt you" sounds better.


Quoted Text
“Dylan listens in awe.”
- I don’t think “awe” is the appropriate term here. “Shock”, “fear”, “terrified” would be more suitable.


Yeah, shock would be more appropriate. Thanks.


Quoted Text
After a long, pregnant ride-or-die moment...”
- I love these “flight or fight” decisions in films and often have them in my own writing so I appreciate you lingering in the moment here. I think it comes from my love of Pulp Fiction and the part when Butch has the chance to bail but decides to turn back and help Marcellus.


Yeah, I love these small moments in films too. I try to slip them when it feels right to the story. They are subtle, giving time to feel the moment, yet powerful.


Quoted Text
I’m thinking English might not be your first language given the occasional grammatical error. If so, well done, since, outside of a those few easily fixed mistakes, this is written well.


Aaargh... You guessed right. I work hard and try to do my best, but it seems that a few things keep avoiding my radar. Thanks for the kind words.


Quoted Text
I enjoyed this, effectively creepy. It was more than just you’re standard haunted house story. You clearly put a bit of thought into the specific kid of ghoul which stalks this particular house. I wondered from that great opening scene what the significance of the bottles were and the pay off was worth it. Somewhat original, disturbing, visually and aurally striking. The sound of the shaking bottles alone would be truly terrifying.


These words made my day, Howard! I'm glad you enjoyed it.


Quoted Text
It left me wanting to know more, in a good way.
I wonder could we get more in the set up though. Yes, there is some talk about there being money in the house somewhere but who told them this? Why would they believe it? Who is this Haitian guy? He seems like such a specifically drawn character yet we learn nothing about him except he lives in this house and is adept at voodoo.
I understand you want to get to the central scenario of three characters entering a spooky house and getting picked off one by one as soon as possible but how we end up here feels underdeveloped and rushed.
At 17 pages, should it more a more roundly developed story? Others will disagree and applaud you for just going straight into the horror and drama without any tedious build up and I can acknowledge that too...However, without any context for the characters (outside of Dylan and Jane’s dynamic) or the situation the emotional investment is considerably lessened.


That's something I gave a lot of thought. I wanted to start the script with scenes that grab our interest right away and planed on providing some background later, at the reveal, but when the story got there, in a way, it didn't feel right, so I opted by keeping the tension up.

At 17 pages I don't think there's much space for a longer build up if it's ever to be filmed, and I kind of like it as it is, but my deepest fear is, as you said, that this lack of a stronger set up can lessen, somewhat, the emotional investment.

I'm going to give it more thought while I work on another project and wait for others to, maybe, jump in, give it a read and share their opinions.

Great feedback. Thank you very much!

Oh, and, for the record, cool avatar. Very Gittes


My Website

Shorts:
Glass Bottles
The Last Guardian of Magic
Lady Justice - Picked-up!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 8
colkurtz8
Posted: July 6th, 2018, 1:15am Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1603
Posts Per Day
0.44

Quoted from Philostrate
Aaargh... You guessed right. I work hard and try to do my best, but it seems that a few things keep avoiding my radar. Thanks for the kind words.


- Don't worry about it, those couple of things I mentioned above were the only grammatical errors I found anyway. It didn't hurt. Other than that, you obviously know the language.


Quoted from Philostrate
At 17 pages I don't think there's much space for a longer build up if it's ever to be filmed...


- Sure, it's your call where to go with it but my point of mentioning the length is that 17 pages is quite long for a short so the least it should do in that time is feel like a more complete story. I wouldn't hold the lack of context against it so much if it was a 5 pager or something as thats to be expected.


Quoted from Philostrate
Oh, and, for the record, cool avatar. Very Gittes


- Yep, its a classic. "Just find the girl, Mr. Gitts"..."Its Gittes" Legend.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 8
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006