SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is June 27th, 2017, 10:49pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship
Always Looking for Good Short Scripts and Good Short Script Reviewers

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Action / Adventure Scripts  ›  The Devil's Yardsale Ltd.
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    The Devil's Yardsale Ltd.  (currently 380 views)
SimplyScripts
Posted: April 2nd, 2017, 3:34pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
11127
Posts Per Day
1.85
The Devil's Yardsale Ltd. by Steve Miles - Short, Action, Comedy - The Devil’s Yardsale offers the hottest deals in town.  Yet for its duo of loyal hosts it’s anything but delivering a bargain; it’s a daily struggle against the forces of darkness.  10 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
bjamin
Posted: April 4th, 2017, 10:14am Report to Moderator
Purple


Location
Austin
Posts
104
Posts Per Day
0.05
I actually really like what you were shooting for, but it did fall  short for me, mostly because it was really difficult to get through due to so many clarity issues i had (but it could just be me, so don't fret quite yet.)

Parentheticals are not your enemy. Me not knowing what the heck your characters are talking about or what's going on, is. It's like when you speak to some one who doesn't like to finish their sentences or thoughts. They just expect you to know what they are talking about. It gets frustrating.

There are many times peppered throughout these 10 pages that I had no clue what Dunn and Juan where talking about or referring to, because what they were saying didn't mesh with the mood or flow of what's happening.

For instance... Juan plays the "I can't hear you" bit with Chester. But Is Juan just playing around? Or is he legitimately having difficulty with the phone line?  I assumed he's just playing around, but little (easy fixes) things like that forced me, over and over again, to stop and reread what i just read, because you make no mention that Juan's just messing with him. Or what  "Chin up, Pokes, Beechview, suburban paradise awaits. Maybe I�ll sniff you out some bored cougar action to compensate?" Has to do with anything.

And issues like that happen throughout. Anther example would be...

So do we see Chester blow up or just assume that's what happened because of the smoke and what Juan says?

And those types of clarity issues start off almost immediately with Dunn's intro. You intro her as MISSY DUNN give no heads up  that you'll be only using her last name. And after you intro Dunn you intro Juan. But the proceding line of dialogue is for Dunn -- so I read Missy's intro, then Juan's, and then I'm reading a line of dialogue for Dunn. I had to stop to figure out who Dunn was. Oh, that's right, it's Missy's last name.  


Overall, i really, really liked the idea/story and totally think it would make for a great, entertaining little short. But you need to make sure your writing is clean and clear to the reader so we know what is going on as well as you do in your head.

Anyhoo, that's just one loser's opinion, so do take it with a grain of salt.  Thanks for sharing, and I'd love to take another look at it if you decide to do a rewrite.


PS.  I liked the OWL line.  I also thought it was funny how they sign Fan boy's head. Like i said. The story's there, you just need to iron out the clarity wrinkles. Good luck


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 9
Kirsten
Posted: April 5th, 2017, 7:28am Report to Moderator
Red


Giving up is not an option....

Location
Kiwi in Ohio
Posts
94
Posts Per Day
0.31
Hi Steve,

This is awsome, I loved the humor, the Fan boy left standing with black marker on his forehead -  it's a great entertaining story, original, clever. Descriptions are great.

JUAN
What would you do if it wasn’t for
the fame?

DUNN
Honestly, a lot more fat guys.

Love it!

On a couch, MACEY, 50s, gawks at the television,
cheese-puffs spilling from her pudgy fist. Her free hand
gropes for a phone, eyes never leaving the screen.

DUNN
Cause, Larry, if our prices were
any lower they’d be burning in a
lake of hellfire.

A stubby, cheese dusted finger stabs in a series of numbers
on a keypad.

Love it!

Yeah definitely sort out clarity issues, but other than that this is great...
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 9
stevemiles
Posted: April 6th, 2017, 1:13pm Report to Moderator
Green



Posts
565
Posts Per Day
0.25
Bjamin and Kirsten - thanks for reading, i appreciate the feedback.  I'll try to clear up some of the clarity issues to smooth out the read.  Yes, the explosion is meant to happen off screen - I should've clarified that in the action.

Cheers again, if I can return the read just point me in the right direction.

Steve


My short scripts can be found here:


http://www.sjmilesscripts.webs.com
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 3 - 9
Disco Cactus
Posted: April 6th, 2017, 1:57pm Report to Moderator
Yellow


One Rule: KEEP WRITING

Location
Independence, Ky
Posts
2466
Posts Per Day
0.61
Cool story, Steve.

Well written and easy to follow. I really like the premise of this one. That said, I didn't find it very funny. Other than Juan and Dunn signing the little kids forehead, I didn't really laugh much.

Also, i'm not sure about the ending. It just kinda leaves you... blah... No impact. No twist.

Not a bad effort though. Just needs a better pay off, and maybe some more action.

~Zack~


Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 9
stevemiles
Posted: April 8th, 2017, 9:46am Report to Moderator
Green



Posts
565
Posts Per Day
0.25
Cheers for the read Zack.  I agree it could do with more action.  It's a catch 22 with keeping a low budget approach yet making it more entertaining.  This is more a dry run to see how readers react to the premise/concept - see if there's grounds to expand the idea.

Thanks again,

Steve


My short scripts can be found here:


http://www.sjmilesscripts.webs.com
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 5 - 9
eldave1
Posted: April 8th, 2017, 11:07am Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Southern California
Posts
2261
Posts Per Day
2.13
A really unique premise here - kudos - not sure I have seen anything similar.

Not using MISSY is the character name in dialogue added a little confusion for me. Missy is memorable and actually clever given how benign the name is vs. the deeds. I would definitely go with MISSY rather than DUNN (not sure that her or Juan even need last names).

I got lost in the action a couple of places (e.g., when Chester comes out bouncing on the hood, etc). Once I reread I got it - but you might want to take a look to see if everything is clear in the action sequences.

Nice effort - some good bones here


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 6 - 9
Disco Cactus
Posted: April 8th, 2017, 11:44am Report to Moderator
Yellow


One Rule: KEEP WRITING

Location
Independence, Ky
Posts
2466
Posts Per Day
0.61

Quoted from stevemiles
This is more a dry run to see how readers react to the premise/concept - see if there's grounds to expand the idea.



That's a great idea. If you do expand this, please let me know. I'd really like to see what you do with it.

~Zack~


Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 9
StevenClark
Posted: April 8th, 2017, 10:38pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Upstate NY
Posts
1276
Posts Per Day
0.79
Steve,

Nice job. A fun little short, the writing matched your characters and the tone stayed steady but brisk throughout. Loved Fan Boy getting his forehead signed.

Early on, however, I had a bit of a rough go trying to figure out exactly where I was at times. You had a lot of characters off the bat, and I got a little lost because I wasn't sure exactly where I was at times. That, and the fact that you made Missy Dunn just DUNN in the dialogue, and that confused me as well. On the first read through I thought Dunn was male, and just read back now to see what I'd missed.

I'm assuming Juan and Dunn are demon hunters of some kind? I sure hope that's it, I'd feel bad (and foolish) if this went over my head and I find there's more I missed.

Otherwise, an enjoyable read that could, IMO, just use a little more clarity.

Steve


Fair's Fare
An unsavory mechanic takes a shortcut that may not cost him his life but, by golly, he just might wish it had.
http://www.dropbox.com/s/3o0108q746tld5q/FAIRSFARE.pdf?dl=0
Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 9
stevemiles
Posted: April 9th, 2017, 6:42am Report to Moderator
Green



Posts
565
Posts Per Day
0.25
Steve, Dave - thanks for reading.  

I’m working to clear up the clarity issues, something’s clearly missing there.  The working title was originally Nate & Dunn: Demon Hunters (which had to go).  Dunn was a leftover that didn’t occur to me to change - until now.  

Yes, they’re demon hunters - using cheap ‘occulty’ style jewelry to lure bargain loving demons into revealing themselves.  

Thanks for the offer Zack, I’ll let you know what I come up with.

Steve.


My short scripts can be found here:


http://www.sjmilesscripts.webs.com
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 9 - 9
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Action / Adventure Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006