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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Action / Adventure Scripts  ›  Flirting with Violence
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  Author    Flirting with Violence  (currently 433 views)
Don
Posted: May 25th, 2017, 4:27pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Flirting with Violence by Maxwell Modell - Short, Action, Adventure - The story of a man who tries to win back his ex the only way he knows how, though revenge. 12 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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RichardR
Posted: May 27th, 2017, 8:02am Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

The style could be more standard.  Thick blocks of action often put off readers.  Try to limit your blocks to 4 lines or fewer.

For the most part, writers don't put in camera directions unless they intend to make the movie.  The director chooses the camera angles. Limiting camera specifics is generally preferred.

This story isn't particularly new.  I found it odd that she would go back to her ex when she got in trouble.  Wouldn't she go with the new guy?  And unless the ex is rich or in a position to do what he does, she should find someone else.

And then, there's the ending.  I was hoping for some sort of surprise or reversal, but it was straightforward.  She found another guy.  He's devastated, but not to the point of killing her new boyfriend.  

Best
Richard
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eldave1
Posted: May 27th, 2017, 11:20am Report to Moderator
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Max: I agree with Richard here - the action blocks need a great deal of trimming, This:


Quoted Text
We see a shock reaction on the face of HARDY, aged around
20 wearing smart casual outfit with jeans and open collar
shirt, he has messy hair. HARDY is standing in the doorway
of ANNA’s bedroom. Classic operatic music plays, other
than this music the scene is silent. The scene is in slow
motion. Switch angle to the perspective of HARDY to show
ANNA shouting at him and point, she is breaking up with
him. ANNA is again around the age of 20 and is clearly a
pretty despite her anger. This is shot in slow motion and
there is no sound. After about 20 seconds of this, wind
stops, speed returns to full speed and sound returns.


Should be something like:

Dead silence other than OPERATIC MUSIC  music playing in the background.

HARDY (20ish), jeans, open collar dress shirt, messy hair stands in the doorway. A look of shock on his face.

ANNA (20), pretty shouts  and points at Hardy in slow motion - no sound. After a few moments, we are back in real time.

ANNA
(screaming)
You are a lying piece of shit
Hardy. What about the promises
huh? What happened to those?

Or something like that - check out a few scripts to see how action blocks are handled.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Simon
Posted: September 9th, 2017, 10:09am Report to Moderator
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Page 1: Rewrite 'clearly a pretty'.
Page 1: You missed a full stop.
Page 1: Should be 'and sees'.
Page 1: 'To' should be 'too. Etc....

'Her face is heavily bruised from a punch.' How would the viewer know it was because of a punch? I would just delete that, as the viewer finds out soon enough.

Hardy seems to be a very strange person. A controlling, sensitive person who talks to his teddy bear and kills people? I'm not saying it's impossible. Does he have a split personality or something? If so, maybe you could make that clear.

'(same person who was seen earlier punching ANNA)' - I'm not sure you need that.

'BRETT accepting this fate' - That was nice of him. I guess that could happen, but I think someone like him would be more angry. But then again, I wouldn't know.

Interesting ending. On the whole not bad, but maybe a little unrealistic.


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