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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Action / Adventure Scripts  ›  The Invaders
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  Author    The Invaders  (currently 115 views)
Don
Posted: September 30th, 2017, 7:40am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Invaders by Skip Byrd - Short, Action, Drama, Fantasy, Sci Fi - Seven teenagers gain superpowers after being nearly dead in a freak accident. 44 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Skip
Posted: October 2nd, 2017, 9:45pm Report to Moderator
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What do you guys think?
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Warren
Posted: October 2nd, 2017, 10:17pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Skip,

I think this has a lot of issues.

Straight away your logline reads awkwardly, "after being nearly dead".

Then:


Quoted Text
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Roxy is preparing herself to get up for school.
ROSE
Roxy.
ROXY
What is it, Mom?
ROSE
Youíre going to be late for school.
ROXY
Iím not getting up.
ROSE
Of course, you are.
ROXY
At a time like this. This is
ridiculous, Mom.
CHARLIE
Iím serious.
ROXY
Youíve never ask me that question.
ROSE
Iíve never did.


This is a very small section, but I skimmed and the problems are throughout the script.

It's pages and pages of dialogue. The very little action is passively written.

You need to introduce your characters in capital letters, give us an age or rough age, and a description always helps.

Two of the talking characters have no introduction at all.

Your very first action line is unfilmable. How would we know Roxy is preparing herself to get up for school?

The dialogue is on the nose and awkwardly written.

Then after about page 7 you are missing pages till about page 22.

Sorry, but at the moment this is an unreadable mess.

I think you would benefit from reading a lot more scripts and articles on screenwriting. Maybe also skim through your upload to make sure itís all there.

All the best.


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