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  Author    Springtime in Alaska  (currently 893 views)
Don
Posted: January 9th, 2018, 10:37pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Springtime in Alaska by Steve Sorenson - Short, Action, Adventure - Death comes to those who dishonestly ill-gotten another's 300 grand winning Ice Classic ticket. 8 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  January 16th, 2018, 5:19pm
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eldave1
Posted: January 10th, 2018, 11:38am Report to Moderator
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Read the first 10 -  overall I thought the writing was real solid


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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CrackedAces
Posted: January 10th, 2018, 12:53pm Report to Moderator
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Dave, Thank you for your kind comment.  Allow me to ask, what did you mean "Read the first 10?"

Steve


[color=blue][/color]Take a look at my Scripts "Fire Dancer" 115 pages   (Liken to a "Miss Rambo meets Rounders," with Spiders, Scorpions, and Snakes -- Oh My.)

"Springtime in Alaska" 8 pages   (Taken from Cold Dead Fingers)

"Little Alien"  (What happens in Area-51 stays in Area-51.)   The earth nations are warned to disassemble all nukes; or else!   58 pages.
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eldave1
Posted: January 10th, 2018, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from CrackedAces
Dave, Thank you for your kind comment.  Allow me to ask, what did you mean "Read the first 10?"

Steve


Oops - typo - meant two. Browsed while sipping coffee this AM.

Have now read it all. Still think it is solid. A couple of nits.


Quoted Text
The deputy arrives and turns the electric power switch off


Think it should be The Deputy


Quoted Text
Near the treeline a HUNTER in CAMOUFLAGE that matches the
surroundings snatches the ticket from the moose.

At some distance away a second HUNTER in a TAN JACKET takes
aim at the moose.

The camouflage hunter examines the ticket then turns and

GRUNTS as his gut takes a bullet.
The tan jacket hunter runs to the shot hunter and sees his
mistake. He then notices the ticket and pulls it from the
other hunter’s cold dead fingers.


This got a bit confusing. I would make one - OLD HUNTER, in camouflage clothing.. and the other YOUNG HUNTER, denim and tan jacket. Then refer to them as Old Hunter and Young Hunter later.

Note: IMO, when you use something other than a proper name for a character, you need to treat it like a proper name throughout. e.g., rather than young hunter it would be Young Hunter.  


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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CrackedAces
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Hi Dave,
Have you tried switching to decaffeinated coffee?

Your're right The Deputy is proper. But I didn't shoot the Deputy.

Great idea about the HUNTERS.  I fuss over the writing of that scene. I should had used the KISS principle. I should have had a cup of coffee then.  OLD and YOUNG Hunter is so RIGHT ON.  THANKS!

Did you read to the part where the Camerawoman had her day? LOL

Dave, Thank you for your insights.

Steve


[color=blue][/color]Take a look at my Scripts "Fire Dancer" 115 pages   (Liken to a "Miss Rambo meets Rounders," with Spiders, Scorpions, and Snakes -- Oh My.)

"Springtime in Alaska" 8 pages   (Taken from Cold Dead Fingers)

"Little Alien"  (What happens in Area-51 stays in Area-51.)   The earth nations are warned to disassemble all nukes; or else!   58 pages.
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eldave1
Posted: January 10th, 2018, 3:11pm Report to Moderator
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You're welcome  - glad to help


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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colkurtz8
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Stephen

I couldn’t read your title without singing “Springtime for Hitler!” Sorry, moving on...

Curious opening scene, got me interested.

“His joyous expression forms a new crack in his face”

- Strange way to describe a smile but I can’t say I don’t like it.

CAROL (ON TV)
Unofficially, because the real Spring
begins everywhere on March 21 every
year.

- Yep, I’m being a pedant but she should qualify this by saying: “in the northern hemisphere”.

BIG SAM
Yahoo! Thank you!

- Ok, this guy really likes saying “Yahoo” and dancing around. Kinda at odds with the “Big, mean looking” Alaskan I had in my head.

“Near the treeline a HUNTER in CAMOUFLAGE that matches the
surroundings snatches the ticket from the moose.”

- Camouflage or not, how would he get that close to the Moose to swipe the ticket? The casual way in which its written suggests he was waiting for the ticket to be on the moose which is unlikely, right? Presumably he is armed and out there to hunt this animal so why not have him shoot it first before finding the ticket. That would make more sense.

“At some distance away a second HUNTER in a TAN JACKET aims
his rifle at the moose.

The camouflage hunter examines the ticket then turns. Then
BANG, and he GRUNTS as his gut takes the bullet.”

- Yes, something like this which is both more dramatic and logical. Although, I understand now why you needed to keep the moose alive. Still, this could be fixed by having a second moose or some other animal arrive on the scene that results in the same outcome.

“The camerawoman swings the camera around at the snow-machine
as it runs over that hunter and keeps on going.”

- The chain reaction of events as the ticket passes from one to another is amusing if a bit silly. Like why would the tan jacket hunter not hear the show machine approaching? Those things are really loud. Maybe give him earmuffs or something to help with plausibility.

“A 90 year old MINER enters and makes his way to a table.”

- Really, 90 years old? Sh?t, must be the clear air up there!

CAROL (ON TV)
It is now Springtime in Alaska -
Yahoo!

- Is “yahoo” an Alaskan thing or what?

JENNY
You know, Big Sam, Alaska has only three
seasons. -- Winter, June, and July! –

- Good line.

“With the Bowie knife stuck deep in Eli’s forehead, he falls
to the floor like a tree.”

- Fairly ridiculous but I did laugh.

“The camerawoman enters and points the TV camera close to
Eli’s face.”

- Ha, wow, what a sadistic, bit?h!

This was a weird one, the writing itself could do with some work, phrasing is a little off at times and there are a few spelling errors and typos.

Story wise, I appreciate what you’re attempting here, it works occasionally in its sheer absurdity and randomness, while other times it’s just a bit stupid, but perhaps intentionally so. Still, some of the links between characters as the ticket passes from hand to...snout...to paw...feel a bit lazily put together.

It did give me a few laughs though, mainly at the matter of fact style of writing when describing some truly horrible, tragic deaths; the shooting, the squashing, the knife in forehead and I have to give you points for picking such a particular premise and location in which to set it. The little details of Alaskan life you included (whether they’re true or not I don’t know) definitely enriched the story and gave it an idiosyncratic quality.

You should check out the Max Ophüls film “The Earrings of Madame De...” which plays around with a similar construct.

Col.


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Zombie Sean
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What a goofy story. I liked it.


Quoted Text
- Ok, this guy really likes saying “Yahoo” and dancing around. Kinda at odds with the “Big, mean looking” Alaskan I had in my head.


I thought that this image was pretty funny. A big, mean, gruff guy suddenly dancing around like a ninny because he won. It would look silly on camera, which is perfect for this kind of script, as silly as it is.

I do think you mention that it is Springtime in Alaska a little too often. Characters mention it on page 3, 5, and 7, so I think we get the idea. I understand that it's mainly reporters stating it, but the fact that it's mentioned multiple times got a bit tiring and redundant.

Others have mentioned it, but the moose scene and the hunter taking the ticket was so casually written that it seemed odd that it happened at all. A hunter, even though he is camouflaged, snatching a ticket from a moose? That's pretty ballsy of him. Maybe the ticket falls off of the moose as it walks by the hunter, who then picks it up and immediately gets shot?

Same with the other hunter who gets flattened. Maybe have him still have earplugs in his ears from shooting the gun to protect his hearing. That way he can't hear the snow machine coming up behind him.

I felt the ending was a bit abrupt. Maybe have Big Sam shout out "Drinks on me!" after he gets his ticket back, and the bar cheers once again as they all start dancing with him. I just thought that ending it with a shot on Eli's dead face was a bit out of the blue for an ending. Maybe have that shot right after he gets killed, and while she's filming his dead body, she catches the DOG snatching the ticket from his dead fingers, and then end with Big Sam getting his ticket and dancing.


Click a poster to read the script!

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colkurtz8
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Quoted from Zombie Sean
I thought that this image was pretty funny. A big, mean, gruff guy suddenly dancing around like a ninny because he won. It would look silly on camera, which is perfect for this kind of script, as silly as it is.


- Yeah maybe, depends on your comedic tastes, its fine margins. Silly can be funny or just silly. This, for me, fell into the latter. Although, as you rightly said, the script straddled both sides of that line.



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CrackedAces
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Thanks to colkurtz8 and Zombie Sean for your comments.  Sorry I didn't respond sooner but I was being cared for by beautiful hospital nurses for a few days due to an accidental fall.

- Springtime for Hitler! I've never heard that one before but did hear the song  "When its Springtime in Alaska its 40 below" by the late Johnny Horton and I found it on YouTube. Look it up! Take a listen.

- “His joyous expression forms a new crack in his face”
I thought that line would place a picture in a readers head of that character's age and looks.

- Yep, I’m being a pedant but she should qualify this by saying: “in the northern hemisphere”.
I didn't think of that as Alaska is in the Northern Hemisphere.

- Ok, this guy really likes saying “Yahoo” and dancing around. Kinda at odds with the “Big, mean looking” Alaskan I had in my head.
Your point of YAHOO is well taken. Maybe I should change that to another shout of joy and also because yahoo is an email thing today and may confuse our new generation.

I like the contrast of "Big mean looking" vs his opposite behavior. If I may continue, I once knew a poker player in Las Vegas who was big and mean looking. He can send chills through your spine if you dare calling or raising his bet, yet he was one of the nicest guys you ever can meet. I believe he's an example of a good story character.

- I see your point about the moose. I must rewrite that to be more plausible and make sense. And I agree that earmuffs or earplugs are needed for the snow-machine squashing scene.

“A 90 year old MINER enters and makes his way to a table.”
Good point! Change that to "Old retired miner."

As Zombie Sean said, Springtime in Alaska is mentioned too much. I will consider reducing that to twice.

Maybe, try a new ending of the Happy Dance.

I wrote this story based on my experience when I lived in Delta Junction, AK back in 1977/78. A bar I patronized in that town took bets on the ice break in Nenana. When the ice broke it was celebrations galore in the bars. (NOT the knife throwing, of course.) Nowadays, I found out that there's not much celebrating even tho the Ice Break Classic continues in Nenana, AK. So I wrote this story and hope maybe get the mood moving again.

Again thank you both colkurtz8 and Zombie Sean. May 2018 be great for the both of you.


[color=blue][/color]Take a look at my Scripts "Fire Dancer" 115 pages   (Liken to a "Miss Rambo meets Rounders," with Spiders, Scorpions, and Snakes -- Oh My.)

"Springtime in Alaska" 8 pages   (Taken from Cold Dead Fingers)

"Little Alien"  (What happens in Area-51 stays in Area-51.)   The earth nations are warned to disassemble all nukes; or else!   58 pages.
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colkurtz8
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Quoted from CrackedAces
- Springtime for Hitler! I've never heard that one before but did hear the song  "When its Springtime in Alaska its 40 below" by the late Johnny Horton and I found it on YouTube. Look it up! Take a listen.


- Yeah, its the musical within the film from Mel Brooks' The Producers. I listened to the song there. Lovely little ditty, very Burl Ives.


Quoted from CrackedAces
I thought that line would place a picture in a readers head of that character's age and looks.


- Yep, I like it.


Quoted from CrackedAces
I didn't think of that as Alaska is in the Northern Hemisphere.


- Well, she better start adding that clarification when issuing such statements in future or she'll face backlash from the southern hemisphere lobby and be lumped in with the fake news brigade


Quoted from CrackedAces
Maybe, try a new ending of the Happy Dance.


- The happy dance must stay!


Quoted from CrackedAces
I wrote this story based on my experience when I lived in Delta Junction, AK back in 1977/78. A bar I patronized in that town took bets on the ice break in Nenana. When the ice broke it was celebrations galore in the bars. (NOT the knife throwing, of course.) Nowadays, I found out that there's not much celebrating even tho the Ice Break Classic continues in Nenana, AK. So I wrote this story and hope maybe get the mood moving again.


- That's interesting, couldn't get more opposing terrains/lifestyles than Alaska and Nevada too I imagine.

Hope you fully recover from your fall.


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datha
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Springtime in Alaska

It’s always very hard to write a review of a short screenplay. And, I guess it’s as much hard to write too, since the author has the limited pages to describe the characters and events.

Plot: After losing his winning ticket, thanks to a chain of tragic events, the winner gets it back, delivered by the bar room dog.

The opening of the story with an Aurora Borealis in a small town Alaska, gives the reader a feeling that everything has may happen tonight here. And, it does. There are the screenplays in which one plot hole or unbelievable scene ruins the entire story and there are the screenplays, full of impossible events that you have to ignore in order to enjoy it.

It was a well wrote short, with pretty good description and dialog. I would just suggest one thing:

Big Sam, who just lost his 300 000+ ticket, drinks in the bar without telling anybody about his misfortune. It sounds to me more strange than anything else in this story.

So… I thought: what if Big Sam has a special friendship with the bar floor dog - to whom he tells his tragic story - while he caresses him, drank?
What if he’s the only person in the bar who treats the dog very well?
And, the dog reciprocates in the end, by bringing him his lost ticket?
Would not be, Big Sam’s character more human the spite of his mean appearance?

Anyways, these are the thoughts you can ignore if you don’t like.

Sorry for my English, it is not my first language.

Hope the review was helpful.

Give me a couple of days to review your Litle Alien.
datha

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datha  -  April 3rd, 2018, 9:32am
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Zombie Sean
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Quoted Text
So… I thought: what if Big Sam has a special friendship with the bar floor dog - to whom he tells his tragic story - while he caresses him, drank?
What if he’s the only person in the bar who treats the dog very well?
And, the dog reciprocates in the end, by bringing him his lost ticket?


I actually kind of like this. It's cute, and fits within the story in a way.


Click a poster to read the script!

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CrackedAces
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datha, thank you for the evaluation.  And thanks to you also Zombie Sean.

I wanted to try a “Rube Goldberg effect” on death. (Like dominoes in a way.) It was an interesting exercise.

I added the dog because I’ve read somewhere to never put dogs into a story. I say BS with that after I saw on the NEWS one evening of a dog greeting its Master at the airport upon return from a year at war. That scene, I’m sure jerk tears from everyone.  

Now all my writings has a dog somewhere in the story. I included a dog in the “Little Alien” story. It adds that extra emotional value.

I like your suggestion with Big Sam and the bar dog. I will have that in mind for any re-write.

Again, Thank You for the eval.

Steve Sorenson


[color=blue][/color]Take a look at my Scripts "Fire Dancer" 115 pages   (Liken to a "Miss Rambo meets Rounders," with Spiders, Scorpions, and Snakes -- Oh My.)

"Springtime in Alaska" 8 pages   (Taken from Cold Dead Fingers)

"Little Alien"  (What happens in Area-51 stays in Area-51.)   The earth nations are warned to disassemble all nukes; or else!   58 pages.
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datha
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Hi Steve,

I just sent my review of "Little Alien" to your email...

I did not know it was called "Rub Goldberg Effect!" I thought it was invented by Charlie Chaplin. lol

datha
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