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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Action / Adventure Scripts  ›  Springtime in Alaska
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  Author    Springtime in Alaska  (currently 145 views)
Don
Posted: January 9th, 2018, 10:37pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Springtime in Alaska by Steve Sorenson - Short, Action, Adventure - Death comes to those who dishonestly ill-gotten another's 300 grand winning Ice Classic ticket. 8 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  January 16th, 2018, 5:19pm
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eldave1
Posted: January 10th, 2018, 11:38am Report to Moderator
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Read the first 10 -  overall I thought the writing was real solid


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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CrackedAces
Posted: January 10th, 2018, 12:53pm Report to Moderator
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Dave, Thank you for your kind comment.  Allow me to ask, what did you mean "Read the first 10?"

Steve


Take a look at my Scripts "Fire Dancer" 115 pages†† (Liken to a "Miss Rambo meets Rounders," with Spiders, Scorpions, and Snakes -- Oh My.)

"Springtime in Alaska" 8 pages†† (Taken from Cold Dead Fingers)
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eldave1
Posted: January 10th, 2018, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from CrackedAces
Dave, Thank you for your kind comment.  Allow me to ask, what did you mean "Read the first 10?"

Steve


Oops - typo - meant two. Browsed while sipping coffee this AM.

Have now read it all. Still think it is solid. A couple of nits.


Quoted Text
The deputy arrives and turns the electric power switch off


Think it should be The Deputy


Quoted Text
Near the treeline a HUNTER in CAMOUFLAGE that matches the
surroundings snatches the ticket from the moose.

At some distance away a second HUNTER in a TAN JACKET takes
aim at the moose.

The camouflage hunter examines the ticket then turns and

GRUNTS as his gut takes a bullet.
The tan jacket hunter runs to the shot hunter and sees his
mistake. He then notices the ticket and pulls it from the
other hunterís cold dead fingers.


This got a bit confusing. I would make one - OLD HUNTER, in camouflage clothing.. and the other YOUNG HUNTER, denim and tan jacket. Then refer to them as Old Hunter and Young Hunter later.

Note: IMO, when you use something other than a proper name for a character, you need to treat it like a proper name throughout. e.g., rather than young hunter it would be Young Hunter.  


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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CrackedAces
Posted: January 10th, 2018, 2:55pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Dave,
Have you tried switching to decaffeinated coffee?

Your're right The Deputy is proper. But I didn't shoot the Deputy.

Great idea about the HUNTERS.  I fuss over the writing of that scene. I should had used the KISS principle. I should have had a cup of coffee then.  OLD and YOUNG Hunter is so RIGHT ON.  THANKS!

Did you read to the part where the Camerawoman had her day? LOL

Dave, Thank you for your insights.

Steve


Take a look at my Scripts "Fire Dancer" 115 pages†† (Liken to a "Miss Rambo meets Rounders," with Spiders, Scorpions, and Snakes -- Oh My.)

"Springtime in Alaska" 8 pages†† (Taken from Cold Dead Fingers)
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eldave1
Posted: January 10th, 2018, 3:11pm Report to Moderator
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You're welcome  - glad to help


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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