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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Mother Nature's Joke - OWC
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  Author    Mother Nature's Joke - OWC  (currently 4366 views)
Don
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 9:56am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Mother Nature's Joke by Cameron Gray (Cammygray1983) - Short, Comedy, Super Hero Movie - An Iraq war veteran with PTSD reveals more than his psychiatrist was expecting. 6 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  February 8th, 2017, 6:41pm
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cbead
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 10:26am Report to Moderator
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Now that was funny.

Fantastic writing, and a huge LOL moment (Spoiler) when the 2 hamsters got it on.

Best one so far!


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Dreamscale
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 11:15am Report to Moderator
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Pretty good.  Some funny moments.

Writing-wise, decent.  Missing Flashback headings.  Character descriptions are clunky and contain unnecessary info, yet lack some important info, as well.  Dialogue doesn't seem very realistic to me, but not terrible, either.

Overall, I think you could have made this funnier, and I personally was waiting for/hoping for the classic hamster joke  (ala Richard Gere).  

Good creative take on a difficult OWC.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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James McClung
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 11:22am Report to Moderator
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This wasn't bad. The comedy was a little broad for my taste, but the concept is fun, both to read and to ponder. Let me get this straight: An unaroused human turns into an unaroused hamster *when* aroused and vice versa. What a miserable life. I almost have to wonder if he'd actually be in a constant state of metamorphosis due to his sexual frustration or if the stress of said frustration would wear his body down and leave him unable to become aroused.

The physical gags worked well. I'm inclined to say they were a little redundant, but that's not necessarily true; you were able to add a new element/context each time, even though the gag is essentially the same. The dialogue was near-consistent exposition though. Mischa's office was essentially an exposition hub. Also, I've mentioned to another writer before that they ought to brush up on their therapy; therapy scenes in scripts are so often generic and movie-ish in the most cliche way.

Not for me, per se, but well-done for the most part.



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James McClung  -  April 24th, 2016, 5:02pm
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Equinox
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
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Nice one, really good idea and well written. Don't think you'd need Saddam here (hard to cast this time of the year), but Harold's 'struggling' is really funny to read. Good job!


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irish eyes
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 1:36pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this... funny stuff.

Well written from start to finish, one of the better scripts for sure.

great job on entering


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Wes
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 1:39pm Report to Moderator
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Really funny. Best one yet.
There are quite a few more jokes that could be played out here But I understand we're keeping it to 6 pages.
My heart goes out to the poor guy. Jez, he can't even mastrubate.

Nice work.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 4:22pm Report to Moderator
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where's my simply scripts thong?

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That's good work.

A wacky basis serves up the visual laughs. And you placed it into decent settings.

Going to be a contender.

well done.




My scripts  HERE

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khamanna
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 4:24pm Report to Moderator
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This was pretty funny.

The story is pretty good, nice twists and pay off in the end.  I liked it a lot. I wish you started a bit late into the story - might be just me, I don't like introductions at the beginning.

Overall it's pretty good!
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 5:01pm Report to Moderator
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Liked this one a lot and genuinely funny throughout.

Great job


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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stevie
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 8:57pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm, this didn't grab me early but ended up quite funny. The final punchline had the potential to be funnier but I guess the writer may have been rushing?

6 laughs out of 10


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DanC
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 10:59pm Report to Moderator
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This was funny.  I got a good laugh.  The only issue is that it seemed like a joke brought to life, rather then vise versa.

The writing was fun.  She's kinda unprofessional, but, that's okay.  It was a fun read.

7.5/10


Please read my scripts:
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Thanks
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 4:48am Report to Moderator
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The Saddam element feels a bit wrong, as does the unprofessional psychiatrist but the rest of it was very creative and funny. I do feel for the guy who Hamsters up every time he is aroused. You came up with very inventive ways of him transforming, which used the same comedy element but in different ways and it was a nice ‘pay-off’ at the end. Great job.

-Mark  


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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IamGlenn
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 6:15am Report to Moderator
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0,

Liked this one. A bit slow to get going, once it did I kind of guessed where it was going. Well written and the punchline at the end was very good. One of the better ones for sure!

Good stuff.

Glenn.


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Dustin
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 7:22am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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This one is good. I think the punchline lets it down a little. Needs a little bit more effort. A consider.
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