SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 1:25pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Tooth and Nail
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 3 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Tooth and Nail  (currently 1803 views)
Don
Posted: November 30th, 2016, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Tooth and Nail by Manolis Froudarakis - Short, Comedy, Dark Comedy - Doctor Blake needs to speed his rich aunt's death, but his conscience isn't the only thing he has to struggle with. 7 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
LC
Posted: December 1st, 2016, 6:10am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7581
Posts Per Day
1.34
Manolis, read it and will post some feedback tomorrow. Just a bit pressed for time at the mo'. Stay tuned...  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 16
Athenian
Posted: December 2nd, 2016, 6:35am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
203
Posts Per Day
0.06
Thanks, Libby! I've also read your latest script (hopefully, the updated draft) and I'll share some thoughts during the weekend.

Manolis
Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 16
eldave1
Posted: December 2nd, 2016, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
Hey, Manolis: - gave this a read. Must of my thoughts are of the nit-pick variety.


Quoted Text
DOCTOR BLAKE (40), lab coat and wrung hands, smiles timidly up at..


Should let us know if Doctor Blake is a male of female either my indicating gender or first name (e.g., DOCTOR DAVID BLAKE). I'm reading the first line of dialogue and I don't know what gender the character is.

When GIUSEPPE speaks in the first scene it was confusing to me since he was not in the room as part of the scene set-up.


Quoted Text
DOCTOR BLAKE
Like I said, Paolo, this is a very sick woman in her nineties.


Was confusing to me since the only person you set in the room prior to this line was GIUSEPPE. As a note, I don't think you need Giuseppe at all - he only adds confusion to the scene and really does nothing to further the story.


Quoted Text
tall and swole


Don't think 95% of readers will know what swole means.


Quoted Text
presbyopic glasses.


Don't think 95% of readers will know what presbyopic means.


Quoted Text
menacingly calm


I didn't know what that meant so I didn't get the visual you wanted me to get.

SPOILERS

The End - okay - very much a fan of the twist - clever and compelling. However, I thought there were some real logic issues. Didn't buy that little old Martha could over power and kill Doctor Blake with a pillow. To me, it would have been more effective if it were a syringe filled with poison or anything that did not require her to have the strength to over power the man.

Hope these help - best of luck


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 16
Athenian
Posted: December 3rd, 2016, 10:01am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
203
Posts Per Day
0.06
Hey Dave, thanks for the read and the comments!


Quoted from eldave1
Should let us know if Doctor Blake is a male of female either my indicating gender or first name (e.g., DOCTOR DAVID BLAKE). I'm reading the first line of dialogue and I don't know what gender the character is.


Yes, adding a first name here wouldn't hurt.


Quoted from eldave1
Was confusing to me since the only person you set in the room prior to this line was GIUSEPPE. As a note, I don't think you need Giuseppe at all - he only adds confusion to the scene and really does nothing to further the story.


I do think that Giuseppe, as Paolo's goon, is necessary in this first scene. His presence gives Doctor Blake the message that his physical well-being is at risk (which helps to explain why the doctor makes the decision of murdering his aunt).


Quoted from eldave1
Don't think 95% of readers will know what swole means.


Found it in the internet, but you're the native speaker here. It looks like bodybuilding slang.


Quoted from eldave1
Don't think 95% of readers will know what presbyopic means.


I guess, a mere "his glasses" would suffice. But what is a more common word for "presbyopic"?


Quoted from eldave1
I didn't know what that meant so I didn't get the visual you wanted me to get.


I just had in mind the kind of villain who talks calmly and smiles and all, but still scares the crap out of you.


Quoted from eldave1
The End - okay - very much a fan of the twist - clever and compelling. However, I thought there were some real logic issues. Didn't buy that little old Martha could over power and kill Doctor Blake with a pillow. To me, it would have been more effective if it were a syringe filled with poison or anything that did not require her to have the strength to over power the man.


Well, I describe Martha as "big and strong" – caregiving often requires physical strength. And she's not that old (40), but I could make her younger. The thing is, "euthanizing" Doctor Blake with the pillow prevents her from seeing his face and him from shouting. Also, the fight makes the scene more intense, IMO. Of course, the whole thing is meant to be a little quirky, so some suspension of disbelief is required.


Quoted from eldave1
Hope these help - best of luck


Thanks, Dave! I've read 40 pages or so of "The Loteria" – really good so far. I may post some comments after finishing it.

Best,
Manolis
Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 16
eldave1
Posted: December 3rd, 2016, 11:56am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95

Quoted Text
Yes, adding a first name here wouldn't hurt.


Or anything in the description that gives a hint (e.g., a thin man, or receding hairline).


Quoted Text
I do think that Giuseppe, as Paolo's goon, is necessary in this first scene. His presence gives Doctor Blake the message that his physical well-being is at risk (which helps to explain why the doctor makes the decision of murdering his aunt).


Got it now - on the first read somehow I thought that Giuseppe was a patient as I thought Blake was at his desk looking up from something he was reading at Guiseppe. See on second read that he is Paulo's muscle. So, concur he is needed.


Quoted Text
Found it in the internet, but you're the native speaker here.  It looks like bodybuilding slang


It is. I'm just not sure it is common enough. To me, Muscular, Grotesquely Muscular, etc. are less efficient but better choices. However, I am an old fok an maybe swole is more common than I think.


Quoted Text
Don't think 95% of readers will know what presbyopic means.

I guess, a mere "his glasses" would suffice. But what is a more common word for "presbyopic"?


I would go with either "reading glasses" (first choice) or "bi-fcocals" (second choice)

Quoted from eldave1
I didn't know what that meant so I didn't get the visual you wanted me to get.


Quoted Text
I just had in mind the kind of villain who talks calmly and smiles and all, but still scares the crap out of you.


AH, I get it - kind of an evil Anthony Hopkins type. Maybe I'm the only one who would stumble on the description - see what others have to say.


Quoted Text
Well, I describe Martha as "big and strong" – caregiving often requires physical strength. And she's not that old (40), but I could make her younger. The thing is, "euthanizing" Doctor Blake with the pillow prevents her from seeing his face and him from shouting. Also, the fight makes the scene more intense, IMO. Of course, the whole thing is meant to be a little quirky, so some suspension of disbelief is required.


Okay - not sure I;m there on the logistics - but do concur it makes for a compelling death.


Quoted Text
Thanks, Dave! I've read 40 pages or so of "The Loteria" – really good so far. I may post some comments after finishing it.


Very cool - look forward to it. All the best


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 16
LC
Posted: December 4th, 2016, 8:08am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7581
Posts Per Day
1.34
Hey Manolis, here I am finally. Was recovering from the first heat wave of the season and my brain was a little too fried to post feedback straight away. Anyway...

I deliberately have not read Dave's feedback, so forgive me if I repeat anything he has said. And, I took notes as I read.

First read through I loved what you're going for here. As usual your humour always shines through your scripts. You have a gift for simple well thought out comedies often with a dark edge i.e., black humour, and this one is no exception.

A few things are getting a little lost in translation so I hope you'll forgive me for pointing them out.

First thing is 'swole' in the description. Hmm... Okay, the Urban dictionary gives me this example:

Craig: yo Ray Ray have you seen Trey lately? Ray: yeah he's been hittin the weights hasn't he? Craig: yeah he's swole dawg

I definitely wouldn't use the word 'swole' as it's clearly not an adjective for description. Fine for dialogue if the characters were from that neck of the woods and spoke slang in this manner.

Likewise: Presbyopic - apparently just means aging of the eyes and short sightedness, inability to focus. You're going for character and I get that - the mental pic for me is one of the guys from The Untouchables - I'll let you know if I think of his name later.

'round spectacles with thick lenses' would do the trick. Sometimes the simple description is the best.

menacing look would suffice over menacingly calm, but hey, that's me nitpicking.

I love the visual with the stand-over man munching on the hard candies - great visual and nice little touch of character.  

So, the doc has a gambling debt and Mr Big and his lackey have come to collect. Great start, great visuals. I like that Paolo is depicted a a little nerdy, dweeby little man - least that's how I pictured him next to the physically intimidating Giuseppe. I also like that Giuseppe just munches on lollies and doesn't say anything.

I did wonder at the placement of Giuseppe as the first character introduced but then again you're giving a visual of the big guy first I presume.

PAOLO
No.

I think you could choose a better response from Paolo in this instance considering the line that comes before this.  Cause he's actually not saying, 'no that really won't do'.

I'd have him respond in a disingenuous way. Something like:
Oh, that's so sad, I suppose she has lived a rich and full life so that's something, no?

He's being facetious that way, and the double meaning would work well too, especially in relation to the doc. It acts as being threatening too i.e., that the doc's life might be a short one if he doesn't cough up the money he owes.

PAOLO
So make sure that you inherit her
in time. If that's your only
option.


I'd re-word that a little. Something like:

You'd better make sure you get what's coming to you
sooner rather than later hadn't you? If you get my
meaning.


I'd change 'richest' to 'wealthiest' - more loaded meaning.
Ah, I see you do use that word later on.

oxygen concentrator /portable oxygen tank  perhaps?

lab coat and wrung hands, (wrings his hands?)

And yet.
And yet...
(Martha continues her thought further down) So I'd include ellipses here.

This lady is
totally my hero.


Hmm, sounds like something a teenager might say and not quite fitting to a more mature aged person in the role of nurse and longstanding confidante and friend.

I look up to
Maybe:
Has been a role model for my own life
Something like that. Even though I get she's cheeky.

Strong as a rock,
strong as an ox
hard as a rock
?? Up to you of course. Just making suggestions with the usual idioms.

She chooses
I think out of respect Martha'd probably deferentially use the title: Missus (Mrs). Martha does works for her, after all.

a little bottle
I'd call it a vial and syringe

Pulls a vial and syringe from his briefcase.

accidentally knocks the glass
Unless the glass of water is mentioned earlier it should be: knocks a glass of water over.

She approaches Doctor Blake’s covered, shaking body.
She approaches Doctor Blake's shaking body under the bedclothes, the sheet drawn tightly up over his face.

oxygen thing.
oxygen tank

Bottles and stuff SMASH
'stuff' ? doesn't sound so great. Perhaps: medicine bottles and paraphernalia smash onto/fall onto the floor.

Some comments on story specifically:

I think it's great. Like I said, first read, I thought: classic Manolis humour. On second read I thought you might want to even add to it.

I love that Aunty never speaks - reminds me of the Fawlty Towers Ep with Polly masquerading as Sybil sick in bed.

So, was Martha meant to be doing an altruistic thing for her beloved?
Btw, it might help if Aunty has a name: Aunty Mavis, Aunty Bertha. ?

As far as how the plot progresses I just feel some reference needs to be made to Aunty and Martha having had a 'plan' in case, or having had 'that conversation' prior. Otherwise Martha comes off as acting too hastily and almost turns into the villain of the piece, even though we know that role is truly the doc's.

If she suspects it's the doc under the bed clothes that's  fine, but clearly the toilet flushing at the end proves she does not. It might seem as if she's after the money too unless a reference is made to them having had the 'talk' as I alluded to earlier.

Perhaps Aunty made Martha promise if it got to the point Martha could no longer look after herself (i.e., go to the toilet unassisted etc.) or if she went a little bonkers, that Martha would assist her in dying with dignity.

I think you need some line prior like: I vowed to your Aunty should she ever lose her faculties or give up on life, or:  if I should ever see her give up the good fight...
Oh, I should say no more... Or even like my latter line: just allude to it.

This then vindicates her in the audience's mind and makes her actions appear altruistic, otherwise she comes across as a quick thinking money grabbing murderer.

One final sight gag I think might be funny similar to 'the big bad wolf' or the Fawlty Towers ep., is perhaps if the doc throws a shower cap or night-cap of Aunty's on prior to jumping into the bed to make it appear to Martha that the head poking out of the bed is indeed Aunty.

Overall, very entertaining as usual. Few little tweaks I think you've got something that would come up a treat on screen. Definitely a funny farce that would translate well on film. I'd add to it personally. Love the candy-eating thug like I said - characterisations like that really elevate the humour.

Oh, and Manolis, no real need to critique any of mine if you've got a lot on your plate.
Enjoyed this very much and I look forward to another draft if you write one.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 16
JakeJon
Posted: December 5th, 2016, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Location
NewJersey
Posts
187
Posts Per Day
0.07
Hi M,
Certainly not prudent for me to add any SP advice.  So this will be brief.

Just letting you know I read it &  loved it.  Clean, concise and most important to me, CLEVER.

Martha's a great character, loved her.  Nicely done.

I didn't quite get the opening scene and I'm not sure it was necessary,  BUT I loved Giuseppe.  I'd hang on to him.  Swole?  I guess I'm not in Kansas anymore.

Dr. Blake, sufficiently conniving I thought.

Great ending!   I'm still waiting for Aunty to exit the--Loo?

JJ


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 16
Athenian
Posted: December 6th, 2016, 1:07pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
203
Posts Per Day
0.06
Hi again, Dave.

Thanks for the word suggestions and the other comments. I'm gonna do a rewrite, probably using the first scene as a flashback or something. Others have found it confusing too.

I'll post some feedback on "La Loteria" within the next couple weeks. Good luck with it!

Manolis
Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 16
Athenian
Posted: December 6th, 2016, 1:48pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
203
Posts Per Day
0.06

Quoted from LC
Hey Manolis


Hey Libby,

What a great review! Thanks a lot - I'll definitely take your suggestions into consideration.


Quoted from LC
First read through I loved what you're going for here. As usual your humour always shines through your scripts. You have a gift for simple well thought out comedies often with a dark edge i.e., black humour, and this one is no exception.


Thanks for your kind words.


Quoted from LC
A few things are getting a little lost in translation so I hope you'll forgive me for pointing them out.

First thing is 'swole' in the description. Hmm... Okay, the Urban dictionary gives me this example:

Craig: yo Ray Ray have you seen Trey lately? Ray: yeah he's been hittin the weights hasn't he? Craig: yeah he's swole dawg

I definitely wouldn't use the word 'swole' as it's clearly not an adjective for description. Fine for dialogue if the characters were from that neck of the woods and spoke slang in this manner.

Likewise: Presbyopic - apparently just means aging of the eyes and short sightedness, inability to focus. You're going for character and I get that - the mental pic for me is one of the guys from The Untouchables - I'll let you know if I think of his name later.

'round spectacles with thick lenses' would do the trick. Sometimes the simple description is the best.

menacing look would suffice over menacingly calm, but hey, that's me nitpicking.


"Swole", "presbyopic", "menacingly calm" - David also thinks I should change them. Thanks for suggesting a few alternatives.


Quoted from LC
I love the visual with the stand-over man munching on the hard candies - great visual and nice little touch of character.  

So, the doc has a gambling debt and Mr Big and his lackey have come to collect. Great start, great visuals. I like that Paolo is depicted a a little nerdy, dweeby little man - least that's how I pictured him next to the physically intimidating Giuseppe. I also like that Giuseppe just munches on lollies and doesn't say anything.


Thanks. Giuseppe munching the candies also sets the comedic tone, IMO.


Quoted from LC
I did wonder at the placement of Giuseppe as the first character introduced but then again you're giving a visual of the big guy first I presume.


Yes. It could work on screen, but I'll try to make it clearer. Actually, I'm thinking of using this whole scene as a flashback (after the now second scene) to introduce Doctor Blake before Paolo and Giuseppe. But I haven't made my mind yet.


Quoted from LC
PAOLO
No.

I think you could choose a better response from Paolo in this instance considering the line that comes before this.  Cause he's actually not saying, 'no that really won't do'.

I'd have him respond in a disingenuous way. Something like:
Oh, that's so sad, I suppose she has lived a rich and full life so that's something, no?

He's being facetious that way, and the double meaning would work well too, especially in relation to the doc. It acts as being threatening too i.e., that the doc's life might be a short one if he doesn't cough up the money he owes.

PAOLO
So make sure that you inherit her
in time. If that's your only
option.


I'd re-word that a little. Something like:

You'd better make sure you get what's coming to you
sooner rather than later hadn't you? If you get my
meaning.


Good ideas. In my mind, Paolo is a man of few words, but I agree that he could use more suggestive language.


Quoted from LC
I'd change 'richest' to 'wealthiest' - more loaded meaning.
Ah, I see you do use that word later on.


Yeah, I just thought it better not to use the same word twice.


Quoted from LC
oxygen concentrator /portable oxygen tank  perhaps?

lab coat and wrung hands, (wrings his hands?)

And yet.
And yet...
(Martha continues her thought further down) So I'd include ellipses here.


Thanks for these ones too.


Quoted from LC
This lady is
totally my hero.


Hmm, sounds like something a teenager might say and not quite fitting to a more mature aged person in the role of nurse and longstanding confidante and friend.

I look up to
Maybe:
Has been a role model for my own life
Something like that. Even though I get she's cheeky.


Either "look up" or "role model" would work fine, thanks.


Quoted from LC
Strong as a rock,
strong as an ox
hard as a rock
?? Up to you of course. Just making suggestions with the usual idioms.


Thanks, I'll go with the ox.


Quoted from LC
She chooses
I think out of respect Martha'd probably deferentially use the title: Missus (Mrs). Martha does works for her, after all.


You are right, thanks again.


Quoted from LC
a little bottle
I'd call it a vial and syringe

Pulls a vial and syringe from his briefcase.


Wasn't familiar with "vial", thanks.


Quoted from LC
accidentally knocks the glass
Unless the glass of water is mentioned earlier it should be: knocks a glass of water over.


Actually, the glass had been mentioned in the beginning of the second scene. It would help, though, if I suggested that a glass of water always sat there.


Quoted from LC
She approaches Doctor Blake’s covered, shaking body.
She approaches Doctor Blake's shaking body under the bedclothes, the sheet drawn tightly up over his face.


Thanks, I'll just copy-paste this.


Quoted from LC
oxygen thing.
oxygen tank


Would "that oxygen thingy" be okay? That's how I meant it.


Quoted from LC
Bottles and stuff SMASH
'stuff' ? doesn't sound so great. Perhaps: medicine bottles and paraphernalia smash onto/fall onto the floor.


Yes, this would definitely sound better.


Quoted from LC
Some comments on story specifically:

I think it's great. Like I said, first read, I thought: classic Manolis humour. On second read I thought you might want to even add to it.

I love that Aunty never speaks - reminds me of the Fawlty Towers Ep with Polly masquerading as Sybil sick in bed.

So, was Martha meant to be doing an altruistic thing for her beloved?
Btw, it might help if Aunty has a name: Aunty Mavis, Aunty Bertha. ?


I'll try it and see how it works.


Quoted from LC
As far as how the plot progresses I just feel some reference needs to be made to Aunty and Martha having had a 'plan' in case, or having had 'that conversation' prior. Otherwise Martha comes off as acting too hastily and almost turns into the villain of the piece, even though we know that role is truly the doc's.

If she suspects it's the doc under the bed clothes that's  fine, but clearly the toilet flushing at the end proves she does not. It might seem as if she's after the money too unless a reference is made to them having had the 'talk' as I alluded to earlier.

Perhaps Aunty made Martha promise if it got to the point Martha could no longer look after herself (i.e., go to the toilet unassisted etc.) or if she went a little bonkers, that Martha would assist her in dying with dignity.

I think you need some line prior like: I vowed to your Aunty should she ever lose her faculties or give up on life, or:  if I should ever see her give up the good fight...
Oh, I should say no more... Or even like my latter line: just allude to it.

This then vindicates her in the audience's mind and makes her actions appear altruistic, otherwise she comes across as a quick thinking money grabbing murderer.


Here's the thing: If Martha had the auntie's consent, why would she shove a pillow in her face without asking her? And why would the auntie fiercely fight for her life, as Martha thought? I do think the “mercy killing” needs to be Martha's initiative.

But this could perfectly work: "if I should ever see her give up the good fight... Oh, I should say no more." Or perhaps I could use some ambiguous quote from Martha's notebook, which could make her believe that the aunt would wish, deep down, for her "euthanasia" at this point.


Quoted from LC
One final sight gag I think might be funny similar to 'the big bad wolf' or the Fawlty Towers ep., is perhaps if the doc throws a shower cap or night-cap of Aunty's on prior to jumping into the bed to make it appear to Martha that the head poking out of the bed is indeed Aunty.


Yet another good idea. In such case, of course, I'd better mention earlier that the aunt wears a shower cap to bed.


Quoted from LC
Overall, very entertaining as usual. Few little tweaks I think you've got something that would come up a treat on screen. Definitely a funny farce that would translate well on film. I'd add to it personally. Love the candy-eating thug like I said - characterisations like that really elevate the humour.


Thanks again!


Quoted from LC
Oh, and Manolis, no real need to critique any of mine if you've got a lot on your plate.


The past few days have been busier than expected, but I really enjoyed your script and would like to post a few comments on it. Definitely within this week.


Quoted from LC
Enjoyed this very much and I look forward to another draft if you write one.


I'm gonna rewrite the script in a few days. Thanks for taking the time to make a ton of helpful suggestions – you should charge for this. An amazing review, really.

Best,
Manolis
Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 16
Athenian
Posted: December 6th, 2016, 1:51pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
203
Posts Per Day
0.06

Quoted from JakeJon
Hi M,
Certainly not prudent for me to add any SP advice.  So this will be brief.

Just letting you know I read it &  loved it.  Clean, concise and most important to me, CLEVER.

Martha's a great character, loved her.  Nicely done.

I didn't quite get the opening scene and I'm not sure it was necessary,  BUT I loved Giuseppe.  I'd hang on to him.  Swole?  I guess I'm not in Kansas anymore.

Dr. Blake, sufficiently conniving I thought.

Great ending!   I'm still waiting for Aunty to exit the--Loo?

JJ


Hey JJ (Ronald, right?),

Thanks for the comment - glad you liked the script. Hopefully, the new draft will be better and clearer at parts.

I'm gonna read some of your own scripts and post a comment or two when I find the time. Thanks again!

Manolis

Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 16
JakeJon
Posted: December 7th, 2016, 1:03pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Location
NewJersey
Posts
187
Posts Per Day
0.07
Hi, M

STEPS - posted now, 19pgs

If u get the chance.  thanks,

JJ
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 16
stevemiles
Posted: December 7th, 2016, 3:46pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
745
Posts Per Day
0.16
Manolis,

Got nothing by way of notes for you.  This works fine for me.  Solid set-up; desperate doc trying to pay off a gambling debt.  Devoted caregiver - can't stand to see her patient/friend suffer...  Excellent pay-off.  We never even have to see the Aunt for this to work.  Good luck with this.

Steve  


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 12 - 16
Fausto
Posted: December 9th, 2016, 2:51pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
New Jersey
Posts
193
Posts Per Day
0.06
Hi Manolis,
I really like your script....however, I also think that it needs a little streamlining...I mean characters more defined (Blake), less use of  a "complicate" vernacular and maybe, a different way of dying, more sophisticated "syringe?"...the doc dying with a poisonous  injection is, in my view, very appealing.
Great creative job.
All my best,
Fausto
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 16
Athenian
Posted: December 11th, 2016, 12:17pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
203
Posts Per Day
0.06

Quoted from stevemiles
Manolis,

Got nothing by way of notes for you.  This works fine for me.  Solid set-up; desperate doc trying to pay off a gambling debt.  Devoted caregiver - can't stand to see her patient/friend suffer...  Excellent pay-off.  We never even have to see the Aunt for this to work.  Good luck with this.

Steve  


Hey Steve, thanks for the read and your kind words!

Glad you liked the script as it is - I tried to do a major rewrite, but wasn't happy with the result. I'll change just a few things, probably.

Thanks again!

Manolis
Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 16
Athenian
Posted: December 11th, 2016, 12:20pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
203
Posts Per Day
0.06

Quoted from Fausto
Hi Manolis,
I really like your script....however, I also think that it needs a little streamlining...I mean characters more defined (Blake), less use of  a "complicate" vernacular and maybe, a different way of dying, more sophisticated "syringe?"...the doc dying with a poisonous  injection is, in my view, very appealing.
Great creative job.
All my best,
Fausto


Hi Fausto,

Thanks! Glad you liked the script, overall.

Like I told Dave, if Martha used a syringe, Doctor Blake would be able to react and his identity would be revealed. The pillow is a good choice IMO, in this respect.

As for the "complicated vernacular", can you give some example? I'm NEVER sure if my English dialogue sounds natural enough, so any help would be appreciated.

Thanks for your time and comment!

Manolis
Logged
Private Message Reply: 15 - 16
Athenian
Posted: December 11th, 2016, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
203
Posts Per Day
0.06
BTW, Steve and Fausto, if there's any recent script you'd like feedback on, let me know.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 16 - 16
 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Comedy Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006