Light Lunch by Barry Katz - Short, Comedy - A hungry man struggles to stretch a dollar at an upscale salad bar. 2 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

A nice light read - enjoyable.

Thanks for the read, eldave1... much appreciated!

Fun, quick read.  

Not sure I'd test the science behind it, but that's besides the point.  Could see this working as a commercial - not sure what for... light salad dressing?  Send it off to Kraft, you never know it might just take off.

Blame Dave, he started it.

B,
Cute stuff.

Still waiting to see the light bulb go off in the man's Head.  ONLY KIDDING!

I thought for sure the man would be floating away after the trip over the apple cart;  not enough helium, I guess.

A light, AIRY read.  Nicely done.

JJ

Thanks, all!  A friend of mine also thought it might make a good commercial.  I've been known to produce a few spec Doritos commercials.  Kinda glad the Doritos contest is over, though.  It was always the same old song and dance that won.

Useless plug, but this was my favorite entry:  https://vimeo.com/69435696

Some notes.

This one reads like a Chaplin Little Tramp silent movie.  Well done.  And it's just close enough to doable to be believed.

Best
Richard

The ESTABLISHING threw me off right off the bat. I've sincerely never seen that before in a script. Necessary?

I'm also not a big fan of THE MAN as a character name. There's nothing inherently wrong with it, but it barely describes the character and feels downright lazy. Think of something, man. You can call him anything you want. Fucking Hungry Jack would be an improvement, however stupid.

But... no biggie. Sometimes I feel like I have to throw some bullshit out there just to make a "real" review. Just doesn't feel like I'm doing much at all otherwise.

The logistics of the man's trick are a little strange from a physical standpoint. I'm surprised he didn't lose the salad in the process. But I bought it. Even if I didn't, the payoff was satisfying and genuinely funny. I probably would've gone along with it anyway.

Overall, nice. A complete story, short and sweet in just two pages, not to mention entertaining. Solid title and logline as well. Don't see those all the time. Thanks for the laughs, dude.

Thanks for the read and review, James!  I realize that THE MAN is very generic for a character name, but the only reason I used it is because the man's name is never revealed.  Therefore, calling him Brad or Peter or whatever wouldn't add anything.  

I deliberately didn't describe him because I wanted to keep his appearance "open" for the sake of casting. It also doesn't add or detract from the story one way or another.  Although I do picture him on the slender side.

Appreciate the kind words, though!  Comedy is difficult to write.

Barry,
If you're still around;

Finally viewed your Doritos entries.  Clever and Amusing.

Also, THE SHOW, Morning Roast.  Background?

JJ

Hey, JJ!

I had four Doritos commercial entries in total.  One of them "The Break Job" had a cameo in "The Show" when they cut to a commercial break - good eye!

For fun, I wrote a spec Geico commercial, but haven't actually shot it.  I've been toying with the idea of throwing the script up on SS to see what happens.  It's set in the U.K., so I'll either some green screen action or a film crew in the U.K. to bring it to life.  Not sure anything can come from it as the ad agency that represents them wouldn't even give me the time of day when I approached them with the script.  They don't look at work that wasn't originated internally.  Regardless, it would make a cool addition to someone's reel.  

I liked this one. At first I was thinking, I'm I supposed to cheer for a dishonest person, but you handled that well with the ironic twist.

I also checked out your Doritos commercial since I made one several years back as well. I have to say, I liked yours better.

Comedy is your forte'. Cheers!    

Thanks, Angry Bear!  I'd love to see your Doritos entry if you'd like to share it with me

This was mine. Not particularly funny, but it was still fun to do. There are actually quite a few people here that made their own Doritos commercials. My favorite of the ones that won, was the one where a Great Dane and a man buried the cat...  

https://vimeo.com/26137893

Good effort on the commercial, Angry Bear!  As you probably figured out by watching every winning commercial over the past several years, if you don't have a baby, kid, or animal as the focal point, you have no chance of winning.  I, personally, never went that route in hopes that the judges would eventually take a liking to something different, but it never happened

Barry & A. Bear,

Loved watching you stuff.  Keep throwing it out there.  

JJ

"Light Lunch" is going into pre-production in the U.K.  I'm currently working with the director on a couple of alternate endings.  He felt as though the current ending was a bit too predictable.  We'll be looking for feedback on the new endings.  Happy to share the revisions with anyone out there who is interested in reading them.

Yet another letdown from a prospective filmmaker.  It's amazing how many times someone has asked for permission to produce my short film, only to disappear off the face of the earth.  I digress.  "Light Lunch" is still available for production if anyone is interested.  I have several alternate endings to choose from as well

Sorry to hear that

It seems that this is just the way things go sometimes unfortunately. This has happened to me several times. On two occasions they even filmed the scripts then decided not to complete them.

Anyway… hopefully it finds a new home soon.

You should ensure the filmmaker has form. Not worth having films out there with your name on that you may be embarrassed about later. If they never finish, it's probably for the best.

Barry,

Sorry to hear that.  Do you have a review of the script?  If so, shot it over to me.  I am ramping up script reviews, again.  Let's see if a little attention can get this produced.

- Don

Barry

This gave me a chuckle. I'm too lazy to look it up but would this actually work?

Great closing shot.

Sorry to hear the filming fell through though.

Col.