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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Space Cakes
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  Author    Space Cakes  (currently 775 views)
Don
Posted: March 8th, 2017, 5:17pm Report to Moderator
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Space Cakes by Jonathan Sieff - Short, Comedy - CANDICE (16) must prevent her mum from serving the leftover cake to her friends at tea, because it contains marijuana. 11 pages - pdf, format

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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  March 13th, 2017, 5:34pm
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Simon
Posted: March 11th, 2017, 10:21am Report to Moderator
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Maybe you could have made it clear that is was Candice who was lying in bed, and that she is 16 years old, earlier. You have her say 'turn down that damn radio', but the reader doesn't know she is 16, at that point. On page 2, you write 'INT. CANDICE'S HOUSE, KITCHEN, then you needlessly repeat 'a large kitchen', immediately afterwards. Maybe 'a large room', would have been a better thing to write. I presume the question mark on page 8 is a mistake. I was disappointed I never got to see the reaction of eating the drugged cake. On the whole, the story built up very nicely, though.


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