Nun Too Soon by David Lambertson - Short, Comedy - Two women taking separate paths end up at exactly the same place.  10 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Ah, Dave, this is a cracker!

Final line had me in stitches, glad it was delivered by Theresa. Wise move.

Cabbie interjecting was great and your female characters both had unique voices befitting their very different stations in life.

It's late here so I'll read again tomorrow - I think one line pulled me up, but definitely no complaints otherwise, if that...

Splendiferous punchline, great easy dialogue, kept me glued all the way., and very entertaining.

Great job.

Quoted from LC Ah, Dave, this is a cracker! Final line had me in stitches, glad it was delivered by Theresa. Wise move. Cabbie interjecting was great and your female characters both had unique voices befitting their very different stations in life. It's late here so I'll read again tomorrow - I think one line pulled me up, but definitely no complaints otherwise, if that... Splendiferous punchline, great easy dialogue, kept me glued all the way., and very entertaining. Great job.

Thanks, Libby - very kind words.

This was one of two I wrote for the last OWC. I entered "Meeting the Other Woman" instead as the Cab Driver in the original script for this one  had to be a woman (to fit the contest rules) and I really wanted him to be a man - so I put it on the back shelf till now.  Glad you liked it.

Good script...but, I think you can make the twist a little less obvious by not having the father be an investment banker and also not have the women travel to the same location. It gave it away, IMHO. Maybe Theresa is supposed to meet him in a restaurant nearby and she planned on walking there from the hotel like she did to the other hotel.

Great last line.

This made me think of this. You might get a laugh out of it! A short in itself right there.  
http://www.news.com.au/lifesty.....a3fa90f1e88aefd17f33

Quoted from Grandma Bear Good script...but, I think you can make the twist a little less obvious by not having the father be an investment banker and also not have the women travel to the same location. It gave it away, IMHO. Maybe Theresa is supposed to meet him in a restaurant nearby and she planned on walking there from the hotel like she did to the other hotel. Great last line. This made me think of this. You might get a laugh out of it! A short in itself right there.   http://www.news.com.au/lifesty.....a3fa90f1e88aefd17f33

Ooh - like the suggestion - will incorporate into next draft - thanks

Love the article - priceless!

You could have Kimberly tell the cabbie that she's going to Hotel Hugo and then Theresa could read off of a note or hand him the address to the restaurant and him saying something like "Don's Pizza, yeah I know where that is. It's only a block away from the hotel."

Just a thought.

MAX THE DRIVER
(proudly)
I got it right off.



The (proudly) made this line for me.

Solid dialogue - felt organic throughout with the comic awkwardness of the situation always simmering just below the surface.  The conversation kept me distracted me from the inevitable pay-off - I think it hit me just as they pull up.  That said, I like that you didn’t end on the realisation that they’re both there to ‘meet’ dad.  You took it an extra step with the whole ‘surprise’ thing.  Nicely handled.  I'd be surprised if you don’t get some interest in this one.  

All the best,

Steve

Do hookers know their client's real name? Asking for a friend...

Thinking maybe they both text him at the same time from the cab (saying they're arriving), and he responds to each, but mixes up the messages - the nun gets the message that was supposed to go to the hooker, and visa versa.

Quoted from Grandma Bear You could have Kimberly tell the cabbie that she's going to Hotel Hugo and then Theresa could read off of a note or hand him the address to the restaurant and him saying something like "Don's Pizza, yeah I know where that is. It's only a block away from the hotel." Just a thought.

that would work

Quoted from stevemiles MAX THE DRIVER (proudly) I got it right off. The (proudly) made this line for me. Solid dialogue - felt organic throughout with the comic awkwardness of the situation always simmering just below the surface.  The conversation kept me distracted me from the inevitable pay-off - I think it hit me just as they pull up.  That said, I like that you didn’t end on the realisation that they’re both there to ‘meet’ dad.  You took it an extra step with the whole ‘surprise’ thing.  Nicely handled.  I'd be surprised if you don’t get some interest in this one.   All the best, Steve

Thanks Steve - much appreciated

Quoted from Bogey Do hookers know their client's real name? Asking for a friend... Thinking maybe they both text him at the same time from the cab (saying they're arriving), and he responds to each, but mixes up the messages - the nun gets the message that was supposed to go to the hooker, and visa versa.

Thanks so much for the read - I'll think about the suggestion - on face value - it seems a little coincendental

Nice job, Dave! Characters felt real and distinct right off the bat. You set up some good tension simmering throughout the drive.

Some things to consider...

pg. 5 --

Quoted Text KIMBERLY Wait a minute. If you’re a Nun, what were you doing at the Westin Hotel? THERESA I walked there - from St. Anthony’s. It’s just a few blocks. It’s easier to grab a cab there. KIMBERLY Hmm. So you’re really are a friggin Nun? THERESA You make it sound like I’m an alien.

I'd consider cutting all the above and going straight into Kimberly's next line of "Aint never shared a cab with a Nun..."

I don't know why she'd still be doubting Theresa's nun credentials at this point. She certainly has the personality of a nun. Seems like Kimberly would just roll with it. And I don't think the audience is going to be considering the logistics of how/why Theresa was outside the Westin.

Not that important, but just something to make the whole cab scene as lean as possible without losing anything essential character/story-wise.


pg. 6 --

Quoted Text KIMBERLY So, Sister....Wait. Should I call you Theresa or Sister? THERESA Theresa’s fine. KIMBERLY Am I going to hell? Because of the - you know. MAX THE DRIVER The hooker thing.

I wonder if you could work in something to suggest Kimberly is in fact concerned on some level for her immortal soul. Maybe she pauses and stares out the window a moment before asking. She's so blasé about everything else it might be interesting if this did appear to weigh a tiny bit on her conscious.


pg. 8 --

It felt a little anti-climatic that they discover the connection off screen in between scenes. Theresa asks where Kimberly's headed, and she says "Here". Then it goes right to the next scene where they've already figured out it's her father.

Maybe something along the lines of this...

Theresa retrieves CASH from her purse, hands it to Max.

THERESA
That’s twenty two.
(to Kimberly)
Joseph says I'm not supposed to tip
drivers at his building but I don't
see why not.

KIMBERLY
Joseph?

THERESA
My father.

KIMBERLY
Huh. The guy I'm supposed
to be meeting at the hotel
is named Joseph.

A slow, horrible realization dawns on Theresa's face.

THERESA
Oh Dear Lord.

And... finally it hits Kimberly:

KIMBERLY
Oh shit.

Sometimes I think we writers add finicky critique cause that's how we would write it. And, of course cause we've been asked to provide feedback.

But sometimes we can give too much input when something already works and doesn't need fixing.

This is imh, a case in point.

I mean no disrespect to anyone btw. Your POV is valued, (after all that's how this site works), and y'all are providing suggestions.

I really enjoyed this and was immersed in it and I didn't get the twist till right at the last minute, so it worked for me and it made me laugh. Mission accomplished.

I've written scripts before where too much input led to the rewrite being an unholy mess. Just something to keep in mind when something is good already.

P.S. SteveM's comment is very interesting from a story building, clever writing vantage point. I agree with the fact you 'distracted' very well (I called it 'immersed') to the point I didn't see the flip coming.

And, no, Dave is not paying me commission btw.

Hey Dave,

Like Libby, I had a lot of fun reading this and wouldn't really change much. It's a funny, clever, easy-to-shoot script. I'm sure we'll have the chance to enjoy it as a film too.

My only suggestion would be to have Theresa say something like "My mother/brother told me he's in town on bussiness and stays at that hotel". Otherwise, it looks like it was her father who gave her the information, which is strange (considering the birthday gift he had chosen for himself).

Loved it, though. You should write more shorts.

Manolis    

Quoted Text Nice job, Dave! Characters felt real and distinct right off the bat. You set up some good tension simmering throughout the drive.

Thanks, bud - much appreciated.

Some things to consider...

Quoted Text I'd consider cutting all the above and going straight into Kimberly's next line of "Aint never shared a cab with a Nun..." I don't know why she'd still be doubting Theresa's nun credentials at this point. She certainly has the personality of a nun. Seems like Kimberly would just roll with it. And I don't think the audience is going to be considering the logistics of how/why Theresa was outside the Westin. Not that important, but just something to make the whole cab scene as lean as possible without losing anything essential character/story-wise.

Don't really agree here - I do think I owe an explanation of why a nun would be going from one hotel to another hotel. I'd actually like to add just a little more to the Taxi scene - more to build on their budding relationship - I just ran out of ideas in this regard.

Quoted Text I wonder if you could work in something to suggest Kimberly is in fact concerned on some level for her immortal soul. Maybe she pauses and stares out the window a moment before asking. She's so blasé about everything else it might be interesting if this did appear to weigh a tiny bit on her conscious.

Interesting in terms of character development - but I do not want to move the tone away from light comedic. Could be a way to accomplish both - thinking.

pg. 8 --

Quoted Text It felt a little anti-climatic that they discover the connection off screen in between scenes. Theresa asks where Kimberly's headed, and she says "Here". Then it goes right to the next scene where they've already figured out it's her father. Maybe something along the lines of this... Theresa retrieves CASH from her purse, hands it to Max. THERESA That’s twenty two. (to Kimberly) Joseph says I'm not supposed to tip drivers at his building but I don't see why not. KIMBERLY Joseph? THERESA My father. KIMBERLY Huh. The guy I'm supposed to be meeting at the hotel is named Joseph. A slow, horrible realization dawns on Theresa's face. THERESA Oh Dear Lord. And... finally it hits Kimberly: KIMBERLY Oh shit.

Don't really agree here. I think the humor derives from what they discovered as opposed to how they discover it.  Also think that the revelation outside the cab provides more of a bang to the twist/coincidence then it would if I built towards it.

Thanks for the read and comments, James - much appreciated.