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Mass du Gelatinous (currently 1912 views) |
Don |
Posted: May 27th, 2017, 12:36pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Mass du Gelatinous by Steven Clark - Short, Comedy - A green evil lurks in Mickey's refrigerator, and it must be destroyed. Before dinner time, anyway. 7 pages - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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eldave1 |
Posted: May 27th, 2017, 7:51pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
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Reply: 1 - 16 |
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Don |
Posted: May 27th, 2017, 8:03pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
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| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Reply: 2 - 16 |
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LC |
Posted: May 27th, 2017, 8:45pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7581 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Green is the theme. Kids hate vegetables. I can't help myself in pulling you up on a couple of things, though the first I know is deliberate: '...all cute and stuff stuff? Almost like evill laughter Almost like? And, I think it'd be more droll if Mickey says: 'I'm eight'. I dunno, the 'only' took away from what I presume would be Mickey's deadpan delivery. Jmh. Nice turn around at the end. Kids and their living nightmares. Lots of fun, Steve. I like it! |
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Reply: 3 - 16 |
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SAC |
Posted: May 27th, 2017, 10:33pm |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3201 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Libby,
Thanks for reading! I wrote this real quick, so not much time for crazy edits. But yes, the "stuff" was deliberate and the "only" eight is debatable. Maybe. I kinda wanted to write something me and my son could perform together for the rest of the family and I came up with this. Silly fun. My kid knows I write (he's 7) and he's acted in a couple plays so he's been bugging me! Anyway, thanks again!
Steve |
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Reply: 4 - 16 |
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LC |
Posted: May 28th, 2017, 12:53am |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7581 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Steve, I'm always picky about the writing stuff. Actually, I think often writers critique other writers according to how they would write the words, how it sounds to their ear.
Perhaps I shoulda been more obvious about the fact I think this'd make a great little film or skit, or even animation.
Out of interest, have you read this one with your son, did he have input? |
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Reply: 5 - 16 |
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SAC |
Posted: May 28th, 2017, 5:20am |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3201 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Libby,
Funny you mention animation because that was going thru my head while writing. I think this would lend itself towards that, although I listed it as a comedy. And like I mentioned, it was written hastily. Had to go to work and I really wanted to bang it out. And no, haven't read it to my boy yet. I will let you know how that goes. Actually, some dude emailed me a while back about writing something he could film for him and his two young sons to act in! I forgot about that till just right now. Think I'll send this to him! |
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Reply: 6 - 16 |
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eldave1 |
Posted: May 28th, 2017, 11:20am |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
Okay - gave this a read. Quite liked it - several places brought a smile to my face. Overall, the writing was crisp and clean with little wasted space. SPOILERS Was not sure about the weapons of choice for Dad and Son. Maybe add a wait - he hates healthy food - and they start pelting the monster with something healthy or at least tape it to the end of their stick - just food for thought I like the way it went - just a fantasy with a little lesson - nice job. |
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Reply: 7 - 16 |
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khamanna |
Posted: May 28th, 2017, 3:35pm |
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January Project Group
Posts4194 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
I really liked it.
And the way he sees Dad. Dad is pretty funny, and the kid sees him accordingly - Dad wants to make a man out of him at the worst time possible. Dad lets the toilet water drip - I supposed it's how he sees his Mom and Dad.
Dad was so funny that I'd like more of him. And I want the final words from Dad as well. Something to mirror what he did in his son's daydream. I think it could give the script some roundness if you know what I mean. |
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Reply: 8 - 16 |
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RichardR |
Posted: May 29th, 2017, 7:59am |
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Posts889 Posts Per Day 0.26 |
Some notes.
This one reminds me of Walter Mitty, a daydream of heroic proportions. And it works well except they don't actually win the battle. Otherwise, good job. If you could make mom a bit more domineering, then you get some extra value.
Best Richard |
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Reply: 9 - 16 |
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SAC |
Posted: May 29th, 2017, 11:07pm |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3201 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Dave,
Thanks for the read and notes! Glad you liked it. Pretty much written off the cuff. Wasn't sure where I was going with this, but halfway thru is where I thought about an "eat your greens" lesson and that's what I went with.
Khamanna,
Thanks! Glad you liked the father. I knew I wanted this to be a comedy and figured the father would be a good character to get that from. I understand what you mean about the roundness, and if I can figure a zippy closing line from dad I'll throw it in there.
Surprised no one mentioned the Gangs of New York line I threw in there!
Steve |
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Reply: 10 - 16 |
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SAC |
Posted: May 31st, 2017, 11:18am |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3201 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Richard,
Thanks! I thought about making mom more domineering, and I easily could have, but I just wanted to keep it light. Glad you liked it.
Steve |
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Reply: 11 - 16 |
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Warren |
Posted: June 12th, 2017, 5:03am |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
Hi Steve,
Gave this a read. Not really my thing, light comedy, if you've read my stuff as I know you have, I'm more into the stabbing, and the killing, and the darkness in people, but it did bring a smile to my face a few times.
The dialogue between father and son was quite witty at times.
A few typos, two that I can remember, sorry didn't write them down. Should be easy to spot on another read through.
Other than that the writing is solid and easy to follow. Pretty sure I saw what you wanted me to see.
Nice work.
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Reply: 12 - 16 |
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SAC |
Posted: June 13th, 2017, 8:32pm |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3201 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Thanks for the read, Warren. I understand it's not your thing but I appreciate you checking it out anyway. I'll get to work on something that involves some stabbing pretty soon! |
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Reply: 13 - 16 |
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Warren |
Posted: June 13th, 2017, 8:48pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
Haha, I look forward to it |
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Reply: 14 - 16 |
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Cameron |
Posted: July 2nd, 2017, 11:23am |
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Guest User
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I'll get to work on something that involves some stabbing pretty soon! |
That's dedication right there Steve, writing for the critics. I liked it. It's playful, a bit daft in parts, but any serious criticism of actions in the main body of work (I had a few lined up which seemed a bit odd) are removed at the end when the twisty bit happens. It never felt particularly threatening, inspite of the peril from within the fridge, and I reckon that's the correct mood, and for me it definitely works. The only thing I can really think of improving upon is the Walter Mitty style return to reality. I'd try to introduce some contrast, just to emphasise end of the fantasy bit. Maybe a SMASH as his mum hammers a glass bottle of milk down on the table, and Mickey is awoken from his day dream. Even a "CUT TO:", just something to clarify the scene for the reader so it hits them straight off, rather than an organic realisation a few lines down the track. Well done, I liked. Cam |
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SAC |
Posted: July 2nd, 2017, 9:43pm |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3201 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Cam,
Thanks for the read! You make some pretty solid points. I like the idea of Mom making a noise or something that snaps Mickey out of his daydream. If I ever have a reason to give this one a rewrite I'll definitely take that advice. Thanks again.
Steve |
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