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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Mass du Gelatinous
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Don
Posted: May 27th, 2017, 12:36pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Mass du Gelatinous by Steven Clark - Short, Comedy - A green evil lurks in Mickey's refrigerator, and it must be destroyed. Before dinner time, anyway. 7 pages - pdf, format

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eldave1
Posted: May 27th, 2017, 7:51pm Report to Moderator
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script not found


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Don
Posted: May 27th, 2017, 8:03pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Quoted from eldave1
script not found

Fixed


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LC
Posted: May 27th, 2017, 8:45pm Report to Moderator
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Green is the theme. Kids hate vegetables.

I can't help myself in pulling you up on a couple of things, though the first I know is deliberate:

'...all cute and stuff stuff?
Almost like evill laughter Almost like?

And,  I think it'd be more droll if Mickey says: 'I'm eight'. I dunno, the 'only' took away from what I presume would be Mickey's deadpan delivery. Jmh.

Nice turn around at the end. Kids and their living nightmares.

Lots of fun, Steve. I like it!


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SAC
Posted: May 27th, 2017, 10:33pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Libby,

Thanks for reading! I wrote this real quick, so not much time for crazy edits. But yes, the "stuff" was deliberate and the "only" eight is debatable. Maybe. I kinda wanted to write something me and my son could perform together for the rest of the family and I came up with this. Silly fun. My kid knows I write (he's 7) and he's acted in a couple plays so he's been bugging me! Anyway, thanks again!

Steve


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LC
Posted: May 28th, 2017, 12:53am Report to Moderator
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Steve,  I'm always picky about the writing stuff. Actually, I think often writers critique other writers according to how they would write the words, how it sounds to their ear.

Perhaps I shoulda been more obvious about the fact I think this'd make a great little film or skit, or even animation.

Out of interest, have you read this one with your son,  did he have input?


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SAC
Posted: May 28th, 2017, 5:20am Report to Moderator
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… but some dreams do

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Libby,  

Funny you mention animation because that was going thru my head while writing. I think this would lend itself towards that, although I listed it as a comedy. And like I mentioned, it was written hastily. Had to go to work and I really wanted to bang it out. And no, haven't read it to my boy yet.  I will let you know how that goes. Actually, some dude emailed me a while back about writing something he could film for him and his two young sons to act in! I forgot about that till just right now. Think I'll send this to him!


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eldave1
Posted: May 28th, 2017, 11:20am Report to Moderator
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Okay - gave this a read.

Quite liked it - several places brought a smile to my face. Overall, the writing was crisp and clean with little wasted space.

SPOILERS

Was not sure about the weapons of choice for Dad and Son. Maybe add a wait - he hates healthy food - and they start pelting the monster with something healthy or at least tape it to the end of their stick - just food for thought

I like the way it went - just a fantasy with a little lesson - nice job.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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khamanna
Posted: May 28th, 2017, 3:35pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked it.

And the way he sees Dad. Dad is pretty funny, and the kid sees him accordingly - Dad wants to make a man out of him at the worst time possible. Dad lets the toilet water drip - I supposed it's how he sees his Mom and Dad.

Dad was so funny that I'd like more of him. And I want the final words from Dad as well. Something to mirror what he did in his son's daydream. I think it could give the script some roundness if you know what I mean.
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RichardR
Posted: May 29th, 2017, 7:59am Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

This one reminds me of Walter Mitty, a daydream of heroic proportions.  And it works well except they don't actually win the battle.  Otherwise, good job.  If you could make mom a bit more domineering, then you get some extra value.

Best
Richard
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SAC
Posted: May 29th, 2017, 11:07pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Dave,  

Thanks for the read and notes! Glad you liked it. Pretty much written off the cuff. Wasn't sure where I was going with this, but halfway thru is where I thought about an "eat your greens" lesson and that's what I went with.

Khamanna,

Thanks! Glad you liked the father. I knew I wanted this to be a comedy and figured the father would be a good character to get that from. I understand what you mean about the roundness, and if I can figure a zippy closing line from dad I'll throw it in there.

Surprised no one mentioned the Gangs of New York line I threw in there!

Steve


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SAC
Posted: May 31st, 2017, 11:18am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Richard,

Thanks! I thought about making mom more domineering, and I easily could have, but I just wanted to keep it light. Glad you liked it.

Steve


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Warren
Posted: June 12th, 2017, 5:03am Report to Moderator
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Hi Steve,

Gave this a read. Not really my thing, light comedy, if you've read my stuff as I know you have, I'm more into the stabbing, and the killing, and the darkness in people, but it did bring a smile to my face a few times.

The dialogue between father and son was quite witty at times.

A few typos, two that I can remember, sorry didn't write them down. Should be easy to spot on another read through.

Other than that the writing is solid and easy to follow. Pretty sure I saw what you wanted me to see.

Nice work.


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SAC
Posted: June 13th, 2017, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Thanks for the read, Warren. I understand it's not your thing but I appreciate you checking it out anyway. I'll get to work on something that involves some stabbing pretty soon!  


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Warren
Posted: June 13th, 2017, 8:48pm Report to Moderator
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Haha, I look forward to it


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Cameron
Posted: July 2nd, 2017, 11:23am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SAC
I'll get to work on something that involves some stabbing pretty soon!


That's dedication right there Steve, writing for the critics.

I liked it. It's playful, a bit daft in parts, but any serious criticism of actions in the main body of work (I had a few lined up which seemed a bit odd) are removed at the end when the twisty bit happens. It never felt particularly threatening, inspite of the peril from within the fridge, and I reckon that's the correct mood, and for me it definitely works.

The only thing I can really think of improving upon is the Walter Mitty style return to reality. I'd try to introduce some contrast, just to emphasise end of the fantasy bit. Maybe a SMASH as his mum hammers a glass bottle of milk down on the table, and Mickey is awoken from his day dream. Even a "CUT TO:", just something to clarify the scene for the reader so it hits them straight off, rather than an organic realisation a few lines down the track.

Well done, I liked.

Cam
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SAC
Posted: July 2nd, 2017, 9:43pm Report to Moderator
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… but some dreams do

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Cam,

Thanks for the read! You make some pretty solid points. I like the idea of Mom making a noise or something that snaps Mickey out of his daydream. If I ever have a reason to give this one a rewrite I'll definitely take that advice. Thanks again.

Steve


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