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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  The Nutcase
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  Author    The Nutcase  (currently 2090 views)
Don
Posted: June 17th, 2017, 11:10am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Nutcase by Warren Duncan - Short, Dark Comedy - A peculiar man must make a choice between what he loves and what he desires. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Warren
Posted: June 17th, 2017, 1:26pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi, all. Not sure how this one is going to go down. I've generally always been a pretty safe writer in terms of the flow of my story.

This is a bit jarring, and intentionally so. I wanted to try something a little different.

I saw The Lobster awhile back and I liked how uncomfortable it made me feel but still kept that dark humor throughout. This is me trying to do that... but badly

Comments appreciate and return reads always supplied. Thanks.






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Warren  -  June 17th, 2017, 9:49pm
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eldave1
Posted: June 17th, 2017, 3:23pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Warren - gave it a read:

SPOILERS

First a few take it or leave it nit issues:


Quoted Text
INT. BATHROOM - DAY

NORMAN, 40, average looking with hair parted neatly to one side, brushes his teeth.He spits into the sink and places the brush down parallel next to his comb.

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Norman walks down the hallway, he stops at a closed door, looks at it and smiles.


Might just be me - but I was not sure where the hallway was (i.e., in office or at Norman's home). Maybe:

INT. APARTMENT/BATHROOM - DAY

INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY - DAY

Or Norman's HOME rather than apt. As an alternative, just to make it clear he is in the same location you could also go with.

INT. BATHROOM - DAY

NORMAN, 40, average looking with hair parted neatly to one side, brushes his teeth.He spits into the sink and places the brush down parallel next to his comb. He enters the

HALLWAY

And stops at a closed door....

Another nit - if you keep it as is you don't really need he walks down the "hallway" since Hallway is already in the slug.


Quoted Text
He opens a draw --

OFFICE

ANGELA, 25, attractive, in that naughty librarian way, walks past Norman’s cubicle.


Took me two looks to realize you meant drawer and were interrupting the action (i.e., thought it was a typo at first). Got it - but I don't really think it is needed.

I would change Angela "passes" to "Angela approaches" since she wouldn't really say anything once she passed. Again, a real nit, I know.


Quoted Text
ANGELA
God, could he be any more creepy.


Should there be a question mark at the end of the sentence?


Quoted Text
ANGELA
I wouldn't consider saying hi in the morning talking to him.


This dialogue was a little clumsy for me. And she didn't say hi.  How about - I just said good morning. That ain't exactly chatting with him."


Quoted Text
SETH
Go for Seth.


Didn't understand the dialogue here.

Okay - done with the nits . On to the story.

The abrupt insert of the bracelet at the end was unclear to me at first.  I didn't know where the bracelet was. I'm assuming on the little girl's wrist - but since we went back to the van - not sure. Assuming that the nut of the story is that Norman attempts to abduct a girl only to discover that she has a peanut allergy, I might add some clarification to the ending to be something like:

MOMENTS LATER

The van flies around the corner and comes to a grinding halt.

Norman exits, opens the van door, and places the girl gently on the sidewalk.

She CRIES loudly.

Norman re-enters the van and tires screech as he drives away.

As the Girl rubs tears from her eyes we spot a BRACELET on her wrist.

INSERT - MEDICAL ALERT BRACELET

Peanut allergy.

Didn't quite buy that none of the kids would scream, alerting the Mothers, when Norman grabbed the girl. I would consider just one Mother, nose buried in a smart phone or something, and one girl in the playground.

I would also minimize the presence of SETH in this story and expand on the Angela - Norman conversation in the lunch room. The "we really don't talk exchange" was perfect and I think it is a ripe place to add a few more in that vein. e.g., Angela: So, how old is she? Norman: Hmm. I'm not really sure.  Anyway - foreshadowing conversations along those lines.

The main premise I think is solid.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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stevemiles
Posted: June 17th, 2017, 4:25pm Report to Moderator
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Warren,

Like the peanut butter sandwich bit in the canteen, captures the tone and I could see that working well on screen.  

This pulled me along right to the ending.  It just feels almost too abrupt - unfinished even and I’m not sure I fully understand the intent.  My understanding is Norman’s trying to kidnap and imprison (but not harm?) and the kid’s peanut allergy makes her unsuitable given his love of peanut butter.  So he essentially abandons the abduction for her welfare.  It’s an engaging set-up with a suitably creepy character for the page count.  The dark humour is there (and appreciated) but for me the moment of pay-off felt more like the start of something bigger with the reveal of Norman’s dark side.  To that end it left me wanting.  

For such a short piece I’d be tempted to open with the peanut butter angle - it’s key to the idea so perhaps better to make it stand out from the start.

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Roy
Posted: June 17th, 2017, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed the read. Norm reminded me some of Milton from Office Space.

SPOILERS

I also feel like expanding the conversation in the lunch room would help. When I re-read it I felt like he should have been staring at a picture of the girl he would later abduct in the lunch room scene....Maybe Angela could question him about the picture (i.e. how long ago was that taken?) and he could respond with a recent date maybe?





Revision History (1 edits)
Roy  -  June 17th, 2017, 7:18pm
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Warren
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Of The Ancients


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Thanks for the read, Dave and Steve.

Dave, I have used almost every one of your suggestions and fixed the typos, just need to get my internet to work so I can load the script (On my phone at the moment).

Something I didn't change but hopefully clarified was the fact that the little girl was, in a way, secluded from the rest of the children and the mothers where completely distracted. That's why she was an easy target. I did add the smart phone as an extra distraction.

Thanks for the advice, it's always very helpful. The draw/drawer thing is just plain embarrassing, should have picked that up, and I did it twice!



Steve, Dave's fixes were quick and easy, will have to have more of a think about how I can potentially expand on this and bring the peanut butter in earlier.

Appreciate the read, guys.


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Warren
Posted: June 17th, 2017, 4:58pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Hi, Roy. Thanks for reading.

That is pretty much the kind of character I was going for.

I like your suggestion, I may very well use it.

Thanks.


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eldave1
Posted: June 17th, 2017, 5:13pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Warren
Thanks for the read, Dave and Steve.

Dave, I have used almost every one of your suggestions and fixed the typos, just need to get my internet to work so I can load the script (On my phone at the moment).

Something I didn't change but hopefully clarified was the fact that the little girl was, in a way, secluded from the rest of the children and the mothers where completely distracted. That's why she was an easy target. I did add the smart phone as an extra distraction.

Thanks for the advice, it's always very helpful. The draw/drawer thing is just plain embarrassing, should have picked that up, and I did it twice!



Steve, Dave's fixes were quick and easy, will have to have more of a think about how I can potentially expand on this and bring the peanut butter in earlier.

Appreciate the read, guys.


No problem - glad the notes helped


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Warren
Posted: June 17th, 2017, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, I've made a fair few changes but this bloodly stupid Australian internet isn't playing the game at the moment. I'll get the new one up asap.






Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Warren  -  June 17th, 2017, 9:49pm
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Warren
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Finally got the new version up. I used a lot of the suggestions, so thanks for the help guys.

Hope this is more to everyone's liking.


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LC
Posted: June 18th, 2017, 1:15am Report to Moderator
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Hey Warren...

So he abducts the little girl but she's not a good fit cause of her peanut allergy, so that in fact saves her life? That part is nifty.

I couldn't really fathom how he could abduct her with all the parents around... I suppose it's possible.

The office set up doesn't work for me.

I'd have the whole location set in the park. Have him eat his sandwich there with delight and do more with his creepy physical appearance and idiosyncrasies. Have him lick the peanut butter off the split bread etc., and nobody even casts a look in his direction, too involved in their smart phones etc. Maybe have him overweight, greasy hair, shifty eyes - all that peanut butter would have an effect on his size.

The initial premise is quirky, creepy and original.

Happy ending though.


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Warren
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Thanks for the read, LC.

The parents aren't meant to be all around. I've already tried to clear it up in the rewrite, the parents are separate to the kids and distracted by what they are doing, and the little girl is an easy target because she is close and alone. I feel like I've written it clear enough, maybe not.

Any particular reason the office set up doesn't work? The point was to throw some normality into an otherwise odd situation. I wanted it to be quite opposite to the rest of the script, as previously mentioned.

I think having him be the stereotypical looking kiddy fiddler would be exactly that, stereotypical. It would also give away the story if a guy who looks dodgy is sitting alone at a playground. The point was to only set him up as a bit of an odd ball with the reveal at the end, not just give it all away, that a very different story completely.


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Athenian
Posted: June 18th, 2017, 7:53am Report to Moderator
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Hey Warren,

Well, this turned out very different than I expected. At first I thought Angela would be central to the story – Norman's love interest or something. I even thought that the girl's abduction was related somehow to her. For a secondary character, she just takes too much of the script, IMO.

Also, there's not enough context to figure out why Norman abducts the girl. Does he actually want to "adopt" her as his daughter? Is he a pedophile of some sort? Either way, it's rather disturbing. Perhaps it would be easier to swallow if he abducted an adult, like Angela, and then let her go because of her peanut allergy.

I did find funny this part:


Quoted Text
ANGELA
I never realized you had a daughter.

NORMAN
We don't really talk.

ANGELA
Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.

NORMAN
No I mean we...

He points to Angela and back at himself.

NORMAN
... don't really talk.

ANGELA
What?

NORMAN
You said you never realized I had a
daughter and then I said we --

Angela gets up.

ANGELA
Oh my God, I’m out.


Overall, though, I think this needs some work. Even then, I'm not sure it would be my cup of tea, to be honest.

Manolis
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Warren
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Of The Ancients


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Thanks for the read, Manolis.

Norman is very much a pedophile and this is meant to be hard to swallow. It's a dark comedy. Trying to make light of a dark subject matter. As I said in my first comment, I kind of tried to replicate how the movie The Lobster made me feel. If you are disturbed I'm half way there, all I need is for you to see the humor in it.

But if you don't think it would be your cup of tea either way then you probably aren't my target audience.

Appreciate your input.


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Athenian
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Interestingly, I also have an idea for a short comedy about a pedophile, but I hope it is more swallowable. No actual children involved.

Good luck with your script.

Manolis
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