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Hi, all. Not sure how this one is going to go down. I've generally always been a pretty safe writer in terms of the flow of my story.
This is a bit jarring, and intentionally so. I wanted to try something a little different.
I saw The Lobster awhile back and I liked how uncomfortable it made me feel but still kept that dark humor throughout. This is me trying to do that... but badly
Comments appreciate and return reads always supplied. Thanks.
NORMAN, 40, average looking with hair parted neatly to one side, brushes his teeth.He spits into the sink and places the brush down parallel next to his comb.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Norman walks down the hallway, he stops at a closed door, looks at it and smiles.
Might just be me - but I was not sure where the hallway was (i.e., in office or at Norman's home). Maybe:
INT. APARTMENT/BATHROOM - DAY
INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY - DAY
Or Norman's HOME rather than apt. As an alternative, just to make it clear he is in the same location you could also go with.
INT. BATHROOM - DAY
NORMAN, 40, average looking with hair parted neatly to one side, brushes his teeth.He spits into the sink and places the brush down parallel next to his comb. He enters the
HALLWAY
And stops at a closed door....
Another nit - if you keep it as is you don't really need he walks down the "hallway" since Hallway is already in the slug.
Quoted Text
He opens a draw --
OFFICE
ANGELA, 25, attractive, in that naughty librarian way, walks past Norman’s cubicle.
Took me two looks to realize you meant drawer and were interrupting the action (i.e., thought it was a typo at first). Got it - but I don't really think it is needed.
I would change Angela "passes" to "Angela approaches" since she wouldn't really say anything once she passed. Again, a real nit, I know.
Quoted Text
ANGELA God, could he be any more creepy.
Should there be a question mark at the end of the sentence?
Quoted Text
ANGELA I wouldn't consider saying hi in the morning talking to him.
This dialogue was a little clumsy for me. And she didn't say hi. How about - I just said good morning. That ain't exactly chatting with him."
Quoted Text
SETH Go for Seth.
Didn't understand the dialogue here.
Okay - done with the nits . On to the story.
The abrupt insert of the bracelet at the end was unclear to me at first. I didn't know where the bracelet was. I'm assuming on the little girl's wrist - but since we went back to the van - not sure. Assuming that the nut of the story is that Norman attempts to abduct a girl only to discover that she has a peanut allergy, I might add some clarification to the ending to be something like:
MOMENTS LATER
The van flies around the corner and comes to a grinding halt.
Norman exits, opens the van door, and places the girl gently on the sidewalk.
She CRIES loudly.
Norman re-enters the van and tires screech as he drives away.
As the Girl rubs tears from her eyes we spot a BRACELET on her wrist.
INSERT - MEDICAL ALERT BRACELET
Peanut allergy.
Didn't quite buy that none of the kids would scream, alerting the Mothers, when Norman grabbed the girl. I would consider just one Mother, nose buried in a smart phone or something, and one girl in the playground.
I would also minimize the presence of SETH in this story and expand on the Angela - Norman conversation in the lunch room. The "we really don't talk exchange" was perfect and I think it is a ripe place to add a few more in that vein. e.g., Angela: So, how old is she? Norman: Hmm. I'm not really sure. Anyway - foreshadowing conversations along those lines.
Like the peanut butter sandwich bit in the canteen, captures the tone and I could see that working well on screen.
This pulled me along right to the ending. It just feels almost too abrupt - unfinished even and I’m not sure I fully understand the intent. My understanding is Norman’s trying to kidnap and imprison (but not harm?) and the kid’s peanut allergy makes her unsuitable given his love of peanut butter. So he essentially abandons the abduction for her welfare. It’s an engaging set-up with a suitably creepy character for the page count. The dark humour is there (and appreciated) but for me the moment of pay-off felt more like the start of something bigger with the reveal of Norman’s dark side. To that end it left me wanting.
For such a short piece I’d be tempted to open with the peanut butter angle - it’s key to the idea so perhaps better to make it stand out from the start.
Steve
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
I enjoyed the read. Norm reminded me some of Milton from Office Space.
SPOILERS
I also feel like expanding the conversation in the lunch room would help. When I re-read it I felt like he should have been staring at a picture of the girl he would later abduct in the lunch room scene....Maybe Angela could question him about the picture (i.e. how long ago was that taken?) and he could respond with a recent date maybe?
Dave, I have used almost every one of your suggestions and fixed the typos, just need to get my internet to work so I can load the script (On my phone at the moment).
Something I didn't change but hopefully clarified was the fact that the little girl was, in a way, secluded from the rest of the children and the mothers where completely distracted. That's why she was an easy target. I did add the smart phone as an extra distraction.
Thanks for the advice, it's always very helpful. The draw/drawer thing is just plain embarrassing, should have picked that up, and I did it twice!
Steve, Dave's fixes were quick and easy, will have to have more of a think about how I can potentially expand on this and bring the peanut butter in earlier.
Dave, I have used almost every one of your suggestions and fixed the typos, just need to get my internet to work so I can load the script (On my phone at the moment).
Something I didn't change but hopefully clarified was the fact that the little girl was, in a way, secluded from the rest of the children and the mothers where completely distracted. That's why she was an easy target. I did add the smart phone as an extra distraction.
Thanks for the advice, it's always very helpful. The draw/drawer thing is just plain embarrassing, should have picked that up, and I did it twice!
Steve, Dave's fixes were quick and easy, will have to have more of a think about how I can potentially expand on this and bring the peanut butter in earlier.
So he abducts the little girl but she's not a good fit cause of her peanut allergy, so that in fact saves her life? That part is nifty.
I couldn't really fathom how he could abduct her with all the parents around... I suppose it's possible.
The office set up doesn't work for me.
I'd have the whole location set in the park. Have him eat his sandwich there with delight and do more with his creepy physical appearance and idiosyncrasies. Have him lick the peanut butter off the split bread etc., and nobody even casts a look in his direction, too involved in their smart phones etc. Maybe have him overweight, greasy hair, shifty eyes - all that peanut butter would have an effect on his size.
The initial premise is quirky, creepy and original.
The parents aren't meant to be all around. I've already tried to clear it up in the rewrite, the parents are separate to the kids and distracted by what they are doing, and the little girl is an easy target because she is close and alone. I feel like I've written it clear enough, maybe not.
Any particular reason the office set up doesn't work? The point was to throw some normality into an otherwise odd situation. I wanted it to be quite opposite to the rest of the script, as previously mentioned.
I think having him be the stereotypical looking kiddy fiddler would be exactly that, stereotypical. It would also give away the story if a guy who looks dodgy is sitting alone at a playground. The point was to only set him up as a bit of an odd ball with the reveal at the end, not just give it all away, that a very different story completely.
Well, this turned out very different than I expected. At first I thought Angela would be central to the story – Norman's love interest or something. I even thought that the girl's abduction was related somehow to her. For a secondary character, she just takes too much of the script, IMO.
Also, there's not enough context to figure out why Norman abducts the girl. Does he actually want to "adopt" her as his daughter? Is he a pedophile of some sort? Either way, it's rather disturbing. Perhaps it would be easier to swallow if he abducted an adult, like Angela, and then let her go because of her peanut allergy.
I did find funny this part:
Quoted Text
ANGELA I never realized you had a daughter.
NORMAN We don't really talk.
ANGELA Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.
NORMAN No I mean we...
He points to Angela and back at himself.
NORMAN ... don't really talk.
ANGELA What?
NORMAN You said you never realized I had a daughter and then I said we --
Angela gets up.
ANGELA Oh my God, I’m out.
Overall, though, I think this needs some work. Even then, I'm not sure it would be my cup of tea, to be honest.
Norman is very much a pedophile and this is meant to be hard to swallow. It's a dark comedy. Trying to make light of a dark subject matter. As I said in my first comment, I kind of tried to replicate how the movie The Lobster made me feel. If you are disturbed I'm half way there, all I need is for you to see the humor in it.
But if you don't think it would be your cup of tea either way then you probably aren't my target audience.