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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  The Nutcase
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  Author    The Nutcase  (currently 2093 views)
LC
Posted: June 18th, 2017, 6:24pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry to hijack just for a sec...
Manolis (cause I know you'd rather know) it's: 'hard to swallow' and 'more palatable', unless of course you were being funny. FYI NESB writers, either way.


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Athenian
Posted: June 19th, 2017, 11:21am Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Libby. Yes, I was being cute. Should have put the word in quotation marks.
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khamanna
Posted: June 19th, 2017, 4:17pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Warren.

I thought it was good - I liked the fact she was allergic and he can't take it. He's sure a nutcase.
But a lot of attention is on Angela and Seth. These two should have been in episodes. Just passing by I think. I couldn't understand at first who it's about for that reason.

But loved the fact that Norman tells Angela that the two of them don't talk. And she doesn't get what he said. That made me root for Norman - and I started thinking he was normal.

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Warren
Posted: June 19th, 2017, 5:59pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Hi khamanna,

I'm glad bits of this worked for you. I knew it wouldn't be to everyone's liking but it's been rattling around in my head for awhile and needed to come out.

Thanks for reading.


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SAC
Posted: June 19th, 2017, 8:07pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Warren,

A line in the last page has me scratching my head - Norman ugly CRIES... Typo, or is that what you intended? Anyway, trying to figure out if I liked this or not. Someone else mentioned how all the parents didn't notice Norman pulling the girl off the playground, and I agree. I might've had the girl run off somewhere just out of sight, then let Norman swoop in. That would also build up the tension of that particular scene. Just a thought. I guess I did like it. One little thought - perhaps have Angela make a comment about Norman's love of peanut butter. It would add only a line of dialogue or two, but it could go a long way towards making your reveal more impactful. Another thing...

The picture of the girl on his phone. Is that really his daughter? Given Norman's propensity towards young girls, are we to believe a freak like Norman was actually married and had a daughter? Or perhaps this bedroom in his house is something he has planned for his next victim? Has he done this sort of thing before? I know, a lot of questions, but I think they might need to be addressed to give Norman some context.

Steve


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Warren
Posted: June 19th, 2017, 8:53pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read, Steve.

No typo with the "ugly CRIES", it was an attempt at humor. Have you never seen someone ugly cry? That really over dramatic cry

It's the same girl as she is introduced in caps then and the second time we see her it's no caps and it says " the girl", I figured people would assume the same girl.

I don't think it matters whether he has done this before or not, not sure how it's really relevant.

Why people are struggling with the fact that the girl was easy to snatch? I've pointed out that she is alone and separate to the rest of the children and that all the mothers are consumed in what they are doing. Norman also does the act very quickly and without hesitation.

Not sure if you have kids but they can literally vanish on you in two seconds even when you think you are paying attention.

I will take your points into consideration.

Appreciate the read as always.


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SAC
Posted: June 19th, 2017, 9:15pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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I gotcha. As far as the pic being the same girl, I'd make a mention of that somewhere in your writing, or make it
More obvious when we see her in the park that it is the same girl. Maybe just me, but like I said I wasn't sure -  that one flew over my head because as I'm reading I don't really want to be paying that close attention, I just want to be pulled in by the story. I do have kids, and you most certainly are correct they can disappear in the blink of an eye. It's happened to me, without incident thankfully. However, I can see a frazzled looking mother as she sees the spot where her daughter was sitting adding more tension to that particular scene.

But all this is me really.

However, the one thing I totally stand by is adding a little more to Norman's character. As per the story, prior to the kidnapping, we know that he's quirky and loves peanut butter. Nothing that I could see that clued us into the possibility he might be a pedophillic kidnapper. Nothing crazy. But dropping a few hints here and there.  

Still, if you leave it as is it's still a creepy little tale with a dark comic edge.

Steve


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MarkItZero
Posted: June 20th, 2017, 3:48pm Report to Moderator
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Don't know what to make of this one. I liked the stuff in the office. This quirky character you establish. The dialogue with the confused exchange of "we don't really talk". I thought the initial awkwardness was going to lead to some kind of connection between the two characters. Like Angela learning he's not such a horrible guy after all, or lured into believing that mistakenly, and there'd be some payoff there.  

But then she abruptly ends the conversation. And that's the last we see of her. Followed by the reveal of Norman being a pedophile. So, all those scenes are just a random peak at his office life. Angela and Seth don't play into the story at all.

You could cut that all out and open on Norman at the playground looking creepy, eating peanut butter, with a backpack full of peanut butter jars. Then abducting the child.

But, like I said, I enjoyed the office stuff the most. Even though it's not really necessary for delivering on this one joke. I would rather have the office stuff without the pedophile angle. But then you wouldn't have an ending... so I have no idea what to do. Lol.


That rug really tied the room together.
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Warren
Posted: June 20th, 2017, 4:21pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read James,

This was initially meant to be like a one pager with a bit of a setup to Norman's awkwardness at home then the abduction but then I started writing and it grew and grew.

I did purposefully want the end to feel quite different to the rest of the script but I think the common consensus is that it doesn't work.

I think I might call it a day on this one and stick to what I know.

Thanks to all for your input.


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Fausto
Posted: June 23rd, 2017, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
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Warre, everything has been said about your script...so, I'll add just my one cent...the story has a good start and build up...Norman is a criminal...this feature should be emphasized more deeply at the end...you could extend the scene with the girl to put more horror in the story. How was he able to get the girl with all the mothers around watching their children...not easy to do...also, and it's my fault, I did not clearly get the connection with the jars of peanut butter at the very end.
Overall, a convincing script.
My best,
Fausto
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Warren
Posted: June 23rd, 2017, 5:03pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Oh my god, how many times do I have to say the mothers weren't watching the kids, it CLEARLY says that in the script. "consumed in gossip or with their heads down in their smart phones", what part of that sentence makes you think the mothers were around watching their children?

I realize this script is a fizzer, I wanted to try something different and it didn't work, but come on hahahahaha.

This is also not a horror, so why would I add more horror? It also clearly says dark comedy.

I won't be adding to, or changing this script in any way at this point,  so although reads and comments are always appreciated, this is dead in the water.


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SAC
Posted: June 24th, 2017, 6:12pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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The thread that wouldn't die! Bwoo haha hah.

But seriously, to add one last thing. Have you considered that there might be something in that passage you're just not getting across with the way it's written? First off, you never single out "that" child's mother, you just referred to them as a group. That right there lends a certain detachment to the situation. If you had singled out one particular mother, this scene might have gotten the desired effect. And I only say this because, almost to a man, everyone seemed to have an issue with it. Just something to think about. I'll go now.

Steve


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Cameron
Posted: June 25th, 2017, 3:23am Report to Moderator
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Hey Warren,

Really tricky one to attempt to write this, I mean the twist isn't exactly that palatable, but it's not like the subject matter hasn't been written about before (The Woodsman and a few others).

It was a good, clean script. If you were aiming to make Norman a sympathetic character at the beginning then you managed it, and then the twist is extreme but yet is believable, so it works. I didn't exactly love it, due to the subject matter, but as a script it's good.

Gotta agree with the parent thing though. As a parent, my experience is that you're either the type of paranoid person who's got their eyes on them the whole time, or you sit on a bench playing with your phone and let them charge around causing chaos. Never have I seen a clutch of parents all just staring at their mobiles and letting the kids just get on with playing, but shit, if it works for your script then just stick with it. My opinion would be that if Norman looks a bit odd (as he appears to), some parent would have spotted him.

Regardless, stick to your guns if you want, but a lot of folk seem to have an issue with it. Maybe reduce the amount of folk in the playground, have Norman hiding in a bush near the sand pit or dressed up in standard parent garb as camouflage (a Baby Bjorn, a nappy bag or carting around a scooter).

Cam
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Warren
Posted: June 25th, 2017, 4:01am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Haha, this truly is the script that does not want to die, I only comment because it's at the top of the thread. I wouldn't bump it.

Not sticking to my guns at this point. I just don't want to add to or change the script because it's not worth the time or effort. I tried something different (for me, that is), I failed, I can live with it.

Thanks for reading but you obviously read the comments and knew I was done with it so not sure why you would waste your time.

There are many other scripts that haven't been looked at, I'm sure the writer would appreciate the read.


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Cooper
Posted: August 2nd, 2017, 8:08pm Report to Moderator
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1. Licks peanut butter "In an almost sexual manner."

You had me at hello.  I like this already. Very descriptive and tells a lot about the character.

2. The Seth and Angela conversation was perfect.

3. 'The enjoyment evident in his face'

The lobster line was also great.  Everything with peanut butter has been just gold so far.

4. 'Spits it back into bag'

I laughed out loud here. It was unexpected and caught me by surprise. Very very  funny

5. 'Look of enjoyment returns.'

Lol

Now onto the ending.  I thought pages 1-5 were phenomenal. I didn't love the ending for a couple of reasons.

We never before get a hint that Norman could be a child snatcher, that came out of the blue.

I see what you were going for with the peanut allergy thing but that didn't make me laugh in the same way the other stuff did. The other stuff was effortless.  This felt forced.

For some reason I wanted Norman to have a happy ending (maybe because he's a sympathetic protagonist). Perhaps  it's his daughter with the peanut allergy, so Norman gets rid his beloved nut collection before she arrives... BUT his look of enjoyment is bigger when she's around AND she accepts him just the way he is.

Call me sappy but that would bring things around full circle. I feel like this took a detour from Funny Weird Guy Boulevard to Psycho Lane.

With that said, the writing is top notch. I've somehow never seen your stuff. I'll keep an eye out for it now.

Everything was clear and vivid.  Kudos!



Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
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