The Nutcase by Warren Duncan - Short, Dark Comedy - A peculiar man must make a choice between what he loves and what he desires. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi, all. Not sure how this one is going to go down. I've generally always been a pretty safe writer in terms of the flow of my story.

This is a bit jarring, and intentionally so. I wanted to try something a little different.

I saw The Lobster awhile back and I liked how uncomfortable it made me feel but still kept that dark humor throughout. This is me trying to do that... but badly

Comments appreciate and return reads always supplied. Thanks.

Hey, Warren - gave it a read:

SPOILERS

First a few take it or leave it nit issues:

Quoted Text INT. BATHROOM - DAY NORMAN, 40, average looking with hair parted neatly to one side, brushes his teeth.He spits into the sink and places the brush down parallel next to his comb. INT. HALLWAY - DAY Norman walks down the hallway, he stops at a closed door, looks at it and smiles.

Might just be me - but I was not sure where the hallway was (i.e., in office or at Norman's home). Maybe:

INT. APARTMENT/BATHROOM - DAY

INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY - DAY

Or Norman's HOME rather than apt. As an alternative, just to make it clear he is in the same location you could also go with.

INT. BATHROOM - DAY

NORMAN, 40, average looking with hair parted neatly to one side, brushes his teeth.He spits into the sink and places the brush down parallel next to his comb. He enters the

HALLWAY

And stops at a closed door....

Another nit - if you keep it as is you don't really need he walks down the "hallway" since Hallway is already in the slug.

Quoted Text He opens a draw -- OFFICE ANGELA, 25, attractive, in that naughty librarian way, walks past Norman’s cubicle.

Took me two looks to realize you meant drawer and were interrupting the action (i.e., thought it was a typo at first). Got it - but I don't really think it is needed.

I would change Angela "passes" to "Angela approaches" since she wouldn't really say anything once she passed. Again, a real nit, I know.

Quoted Text ANGELA God, could he be any more creepy.

Should there be a question mark at the end of the sentence?

Quoted Text ANGELA I wouldn't consider saying hi in the morning talking to him.

This dialogue was a little clumsy for me. And she didn't say hi.  How about - I just said good morning. That ain't exactly chatting with him."

Quoted Text SETH Go for Seth.

Didn't understand the dialogue here.

Okay - done with the nits . On to the story.

The abrupt insert of the bracelet at the end was unclear to me at first.  I didn't know where the bracelet was. I'm assuming on the little girl's wrist - but since we went back to the van - not sure. Assuming that the nut of the story is that Norman attempts to abduct a girl only to discover that she has a peanut allergy, I might add some clarification to the ending to be something like:

MOMENTS LATER

The van flies around the corner and comes to a grinding halt.

Norman exits, opens the van door, and places the girl gently on the sidewalk.

She CRIES loudly.

Norman re-enters the van and tires screech as he drives away.

As the Girl rubs tears from her eyes we spot a BRACELET on her wrist.

INSERT - MEDICAL ALERT BRACELET

Peanut allergy.

Didn't quite buy that none of the kids would scream, alerting the Mothers, when Norman grabbed the girl. I would consider just one Mother, nose buried in a smart phone or something, and one girl in the playground.

I would also minimize the presence of SETH in this story and expand on the Angela - Norman conversation in the lunch room. The "we really don't talk exchange" was perfect and I think it is a ripe place to add a few more in that vein. e.g., Angela: So, how old is she? Norman: Hmm. I'm not really sure.  Anyway - foreshadowing conversations along those lines.

The main premise I think is solid.

Warren,

Like the peanut butter sandwich bit in the canteen, captures the tone and I could see that working well on screen.  

This pulled me along right to the ending.  It just feels almost too abrupt - unfinished even and I’m not sure I fully understand the intent.  My understanding is Norman’s trying to kidnap and imprison (but not harm?) and the kid’s peanut allergy makes her unsuitable given his love of peanut butter.  So he essentially abandons the abduction for her welfare.  It’s an engaging set-up with a suitably creepy character for the page count.  The dark humour is there (and appreciated) but for me the moment of pay-off felt more like the start of something bigger with the reveal of Norman’s dark side.  To that end it left me wanting.  

For such a short piece I’d be tempted to open with the peanut butter angle - it’s key to the idea so perhaps better to make it stand out from the start.

Steve

I enjoyed the read. Norm reminded me some of Milton from Office Space.

SPOILERS

I also feel like expanding the conversation in the lunch room would help. When I re-read it I felt like he should have been staring at a picture of the girl he would later abduct in the lunch room scene....Maybe Angela could question him about the picture (i.e. how long ago was that taken?) and he could respond with a recent date maybe?

Thanks for the read, Dave and Steve.

Dave, I have used almost every one of your suggestions and fixed the typos, just need to get my internet to work so I can load the script (On my phone at the moment).

Something I didn't change but hopefully clarified was the fact that the little girl was, in a way, secluded from the rest of the children and the mothers where completely distracted. That's why she was an easy target. I did add the smart phone as an extra distraction.

Thanks for the advice, it's always very helpful. The draw/drawer thing is just plain embarrassing, should have picked that up, and I did it twice!



Steve, Dave's fixes were quick and easy, will have to have more of a think about how I can potentially expand on this and bring the peanut butter in earlier.

Appreciate the read, guys.

Hi, Roy. Thanks for reading.

That is pretty much the kind of character I was going for.

I like your suggestion, I may very well use it.

Thanks.

Quoted from Warren Thanks for the read, Dave and Steve. Dave, I have used almost every one of your suggestions and fixed the typos, just need to get my internet to work so I can load the script (On my phone at the moment). Something I didn't change but hopefully clarified was the fact that the little girl was, in a way, secluded from the rest of the children and the mothers where completely distracted. That's why she was an easy target. I did add the smart phone as an extra distraction. Thanks for the advice, it's always very helpful. The draw/drawer thing is just plain embarrassing, should have picked that up, and I did it twice! Steve, Dave's fixes were quick and easy, will have to have more of a think about how I can potentially expand on this and bring the peanut butter in earlier. Appreciate the read, guys.

No problem - glad the notes helped

Okay, I've made a fair few changes but this bloodly stupid Australian internet isn't playing the game at the moment. I'll get the new one up asap.

Finally got the new version up. I used a lot of the suggestions, so thanks for the help guys.

Hope this is more to everyone's liking.

Hey Warren...

So he abducts the little girl but she's not a good fit cause of her peanut allergy, so that in fact saves her life? That part is nifty.

I couldn't really fathom how he could abduct her with all the parents around... I suppose it's possible.

The office set up doesn't work for me.

I'd have the whole location set in the park. Have him eat his sandwich there with delight and do more with his creepy physical appearance and idiosyncrasies. Have him lick the peanut butter off the split bread etc., and nobody even casts a look in his direction, too involved in their smart phones etc. Maybe have him overweight, greasy hair, shifty eyes - all that peanut butter would have an effect on his size.

The initial premise is quirky, creepy and original.

Happy ending though.

Thanks for the read, LC.

The parents aren't meant to be all around. I've already tried to clear it up in the rewrite, the parents are separate to the kids and distracted by what they are doing, and the little girl is an easy target because she is close and alone. I feel like I've written it clear enough, maybe not.

Any particular reason the office set up doesn't work? The point was to throw some normality into an otherwise odd situation. I wanted it to be quite opposite to the rest of the script, as previously mentioned.

I think having him be the stereotypical looking kiddy fiddler would be exactly that, stereotypical. It would also give away the story if a guy who looks dodgy is sitting alone at a playground. The point was to only set him up as a bit of an odd ball with the reveal at the end, not just give it all away, that a very different story completely.

Hey Warren,

Well, this turned out very different than I expected. At first I thought Angela would be central to the story – Norman's love interest or something. I even thought that the girl's abduction was related somehow to her. For a secondary character, she just takes too much of the script, IMO.

Also, there's not enough context to figure out why Norman abducts the girl. Does he actually want to "adopt" her as his daughter? Is he a pedophile of some sort? Either way, it's rather disturbing. Perhaps it would be easier to swallow if he abducted an adult, like Angela, and then let her go because of her peanut allergy.

I did find funny this part:

Quoted Text ANGELA I never realized you had a daughter. NORMAN We don't really talk. ANGELA Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. NORMAN No I mean we... He points to Angela and back at himself. NORMAN ... don't really talk. ANGELA What? NORMAN You said you never realized I had a daughter and then I said we -- Angela gets up. ANGELA Oh my God, I’m out.

Overall, though, I think this needs some work. Even then, I'm not sure it would be my cup of tea, to be honest.

Manolis

Thanks for the read, Manolis.

Norman is very much a pedophile and this is meant to be hard to swallow. It's a dark comedy. Trying to make light of a dark subject matter. As I said in my first comment, I kind of tried to replicate how the movie The Lobster made me feel. If you are disturbed I'm half way there, all I need is for you to see the humor in it.

But if you don't think it would be your cup of tea either way then you probably aren't my target audience.

Appreciate your input.

Interestingly, I also have an idea for a short comedy about a pedophile, but I hope it is more swallowable. No actual children involved.

Good luck with your script.

Manolis

Sorry to hijack just for a sec...
Manolis (cause I know you'd rather know) it's: 'hard to swallow' and 'more palatable', unless of course you were being funny. FYI NESB writers, either way.

Thanks, Libby. Yes, I was being cute. Should have put the word in quotation marks.

Hey, Warren.

I thought it was good - I liked the fact she was allergic and he can't take it. He's sure a nutcase.
But a lot of attention is on Angela and Seth. These two should have been in episodes. Just passing by I think. I couldn't understand at first who it's about for that reason.

But loved the fact that Norman tells Angela that the two of them don't talk. And she doesn't get what he said. That made me root for Norman - and I started thinking he was normal.

Hi khamanna,

I'm glad bits of this worked for you. I knew it wouldn't be to everyone's liking but it's been rattling around in my head for awhile and needed to come out.

Thanks for reading.

Warren,

A line in the last page has me scratching my head - Norman ugly CRIES... Typo, or is that what you intended? Anyway, trying to figure out if I liked this or not. Someone else mentioned how all the parents didn't notice Norman pulling the girl off the playground, and I agree. I might've had the girl run off somewhere just out of sight, then let Norman swoop in. That would also build up the tension of that particular scene. Just a thought. I guess I did like it. One little thought - perhaps have Angela make a comment about Norman's love of peanut butter. It would add only a line of dialogue or two, but it could go a long way towards making your reveal more impactful. Another thing...

The picture of the girl on his phone. Is that really his daughter? Given Norman's propensity towards young girls, are we to believe a freak like Norman was actually married and had a daughter? Or perhaps this bedroom in his house is something he has planned for his next victim? Has he done this sort of thing before? I know, a lot of questions, but I think they might need to be addressed to give Norman some context.

Steve

Thanks for the read, Steve.

No typo with the "ugly CRIES", it was an attempt at humor. Have you never seen someone ugly cry? That really over dramatic cry

It's the same girl as she is introduced in caps then and the second time we see her it's no caps and it says " the girl", I figured people would assume the same girl.

I don't think it matters whether he has done this before or not, not sure how it's really relevant.

Why people are struggling with the fact that the girl was easy to snatch? I've pointed out that she is alone and separate to the rest of the children and that all the mothers are consumed in what they are doing. Norman also does the act very quickly and without hesitation.

Not sure if you have kids but they can literally vanish on you in two seconds even when you think you are paying attention.

I will take your points into consideration.

Appreciate the read as always.

I gotcha. As far as the pic being the same girl, I'd make a mention of that somewhere in your writing, or make it
More obvious when we see her in the park that it is the same girl. Maybe just me, but like I said I wasn't sure -  that one flew over my head because as I'm reading I don't really want to be paying that close attention, I just want to be pulled in by the story. I do have kids, and you most certainly are correct they can disappear in the blink of an eye. It's happened to me, without incident thankfully. However, I can see a frazzled looking mother as she sees the spot where her daughter was sitting adding more tension to that particular scene.

But all this is me really.

However, the one thing I totally stand by is adding a little more to Norman's character. As per the story, prior to the kidnapping, we know that he's quirky and loves peanut butter. Nothing that I could see that clued us into the possibility he might be a pedophillic kidnapper. Nothing crazy. But dropping a few hints here and there.  

Still, if you leave it as is it's still a creepy little tale with a dark comic edge.

Steve

Don't know what to make of this one. I liked the stuff in the office. This quirky character you establish. The dialogue with the confused exchange of "we don't really talk". I thought the initial awkwardness was going to lead to some kind of connection between the two characters. Like Angela learning he's not such a horrible guy after all, or lured into believing that mistakenly, and there'd be some payoff there.  

But then she abruptly ends the conversation. And that's the last we see of her. Followed by the reveal of Norman being a pedophile. So, all those scenes are just a random peak at his office life. Angela and Seth don't play into the story at all.

You could cut that all out and open on Norman at the playground looking creepy, eating peanut butter, with a backpack full of peanut butter jars. Then abducting the child.

But, like I said, I enjoyed the office stuff the most. Even though it's not really necessary for delivering on this one joke. I would rather have the office stuff without the pedophile angle. But then you wouldn't have an ending... so I have no idea what to do. Lol.

Thanks for the read James,

This was initially meant to be like a one pager with a bit of a setup to Norman's awkwardness at home then the abduction but then I started writing and it grew and grew.

I did purposefully want the end to feel quite different to the rest of the script but I think the common consensus is that it doesn't work.

I think I might call it a day on this one and stick to what I know.

Thanks to all for your input.

Warre, everything has been said about your script...so, I'll add just my one cent...the story has a good start and build up...Norman is a criminal...this feature should be emphasized more deeply at the end...you could extend the scene with the girl to put more horror in the story. How was he able to get the girl with all the mothers around watching their children...not easy to do...also, and it's my fault, I did not clearly get the connection with the jars of peanut butter at the very end.
Overall, a convincing script.
My best,
Fausto

Oh my god, how many times do I have to say the mothers weren't watching the kids, it CLEARLY says that in the script. "consumed in gossip or with their heads down in their smart phones", what part of that sentence makes you think the mothers were around watching their children?

I realize this script is a fizzer, I wanted to try something different and it didn't work, but come on hahahahaha.

This is also not a horror, so why would I add more horror? It also clearly says dark comedy.

I won't be adding to, or changing this script in any way at this point,  so although reads and comments are always appreciated, this is dead in the water.

The thread that wouldn't die! Bwoo haha hah.

But seriously, to add one last thing. Have you considered that there might be something in that passage you're just not getting across with the way it's written? First off, you never single out "that" child's mother, you just referred to them as a group. That right there lends a certain detachment to the situation. If you had singled out one particular mother, this scene might have gotten the desired effect. And I only say this because, almost to a man, everyone seemed to have an issue with it. Just something to think about. I'll go now.

Steve

Hey Warren,

Really tricky one to attempt to write this, I mean the twist isn't exactly that palatable, but it's not like the subject matter hasn't been written about before (The Woodsman and a few others).

It was a good, clean script. If you were aiming to make Norman a sympathetic character at the beginning then you managed it, and then the twist is extreme but yet is believable, so it works. I didn't exactly love it, due to the subject matter, but as a script it's good.

Gotta agree with the parent thing though. As a parent, my experience is that you're either the type of paranoid person who's got their eyes on them the whole time, or you sit on a bench playing with your phone and let them charge around causing chaos. Never have I seen a clutch of parents all just staring at their mobiles and letting the kids just get on with playing, but shit, if it works for your script then just stick with it. My opinion would be that if Norman looks a bit odd (as he appears to), some parent would have spotted him.

Regardless, stick to your guns if you want, but a lot of folk seem to have an issue with it. Maybe reduce the amount of folk in the playground, have Norman hiding in a bush near the sand pit or dressed up in standard parent garb as camouflage (a Baby Bjorn, a nappy bag or carting around a scooter).

Cam

Haha, this truly is the script that does not want to die, I only comment because it's at the top of the thread. I wouldn't bump it.

Not sticking to my guns at this point. I just don't want to add to or change the script because it's not worth the time or effort. I tried something different (for me, that is), I failed, I can live with it.

Thanks for reading but you obviously read the comments and knew I was done with it so not sure why you would waste your time.

There are many other scripts that haven't been looked at, I'm sure the writer would appreciate the read.

1. Licks peanut butter "In an almost sexual manner."

You had me at hello.  I like this already. Very descriptive and tells a lot about the character.

2. The Seth and Angela conversation was perfect.

3. 'The enjoyment evident in his face'

The lobster line was also great.  Everything with peanut butter has been just gold so far.

4. 'Spits it back into bag'

I laughed out loud here. It was unexpected and caught me by surprise. Very very  funny

5. 'Look of enjoyment returns.'

Lol

Now onto the ending.  I thought pages 1-5 were phenomenal. I didn't love the ending for a couple of reasons.

We never before get a hint that Norman could be a child snatcher, that came out of the blue.

I see what you were going for with the peanut allergy thing but that didn't make me laugh in the same way the other stuff did. The other stuff was effortless.  This felt forced.

For some reason I wanted Norman to have a happy ending (maybe because he's a sympathetic protagonist). Perhaps  it's his daughter with the peanut allergy, so Norman gets rid his beloved nut collection before she arrives... BUT his look of enjoyment is bigger when she's around AND she accepts him just the way he is.

Call me sappy but that would bring things around full circle. I feel like this took a detour from Funny Weird Guy Boulevard to Psycho Lane.

With that said, the writing is top notch. I've somehow never seen your stuff. I'll keep an eye out for it now.

Everything was clear and vivid.  Kudos!

Hi Cooper,

Thanks for the read, I thought this script had died the slow death it deserved so I was surprised to see it at the top of the pile again.

Like you, most reviews have had an issue with the ending.

I'm glad there was a lot you seemed to like and you have made me consider revisiting this down the line. I'll have a think about the ending and see what I can come up with.

Anything you would like me to take a look at? Not really reading features at the moment but happy to read a short.

Could you take a look at just the first act of the thing I'm working on (about 20pgs - http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-workinprogress/m-1501286942/). I'm hyper focused on that section.

Otherwise I'll just shoot you a line when I write up a good short. Cheers!

PS - this thread won't die because the script is good. Just go with it lol.