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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Wrong Number
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  Author    Wrong Number  (currently 719 views)
Don
Posted: June 25th, 2017, 7:54pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Wrong Number by Christopher Pope - Short, Dark Comedy - A man calls his maid to do him a favor. Later, he learns that he makes a terrible mistake. 4 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Warren
Posted: June 25th, 2017, 8:30pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi Christopher,

Staight away there are two unfilmables:  


Quoted Text
on the way home from his brutally long day
at work.
Knowing he’s going to be late


A script is meant to be visual. How would we know he has had a brutally long day, and how whould we know that he knows he is going to be late? You need to find a way to show us these things not tell us.

No need to number the scenes.

It's a good story, problem is, it's been done almost exactly on this site and produced. Go to the produced films link and watch Pro Kopf. I think you'll see the many similarities.

Good luck with it.


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eldave1
Posted: June 26th, 2017, 6:59pm Report to Moderator
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In addition to Warren's comments:

Hard to find the reasonable basis for the maid to shoot two people. This:


Quoted Text
GARRETT
Good...it’s a damn shame really.
Now I want you to open the window,
and throw both of the bodies out
into the swimming pool.


Makes no sense other than the set-up for the twist. A maid is going to pick up two bodies and throw them in the pool. I would use something more realistic - e.g, okay, lock the house and wait by the pool.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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