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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Scarlett Heart
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  Author    Scarlett Heart  (currently 729 views)
Don
Posted: September 21st, 2017, 6:45pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Scarlett Heart by Miguel Pelaez - Short, Comedy, Drama - A high school senior struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts, but then meets an adorkable goofball girl. 11 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


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HyperMatt
Posted: November 10th, 2017, 3:56pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting twist at the end. I think this means (SPOILER ALERT) that Kyle dying at Universal
Studios was a dream. This is more of a dramedy, a tragic romantic one. It had this great quirky sense of melancholy about it.
I love how you played out the theme of death, and taking one's life. I like the contrast between
Kyle and Scarlett. Kyle being timid and introspective, and Scarlett's eccentricity. I think most (if not all)
of the comedy in this script comes from her. She reminded me of that Lovegood girl in the Harry
Potter movies. I think the transitions  in time worked well with little disruption to the plot.
It would be nice to see this on film.

A few things:
-Usually on names for dialogue, you show the first name not the full name.
'PENELOPE AREAS' should be PENELOPE.

page 1.911 OPERATOR should be 911 OPERATOR (V.O).
tires to console her - 'tires' should be tries

page 2. 'fridays' - should be Fridays.
I would just do a transition - viewer is not going to know 45 minutes have passed (unless you
show a transitioning clock?)

page 6. 'The' Scarlett picks up - should be 'Then' Scarlett picks up.
SCARLETT WALKER  -should be SCARLETT (V.O)' snce we are hearing her voice on the phone.

page 7. 'jetta' - should be Jetta (Do you really have to be specific on the car?).


Good luck with it. Fix it. Enter it into as many comps as you can.

Matthew


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