Oscar,
I'm not sure if changes were made from your first submission of Caution Wet Floor to your second, but in the event no changes were made, I posted the following below to your new submission.
Oscar,
Congratulations on finishing your screenplay.
A few observations and suggestions:
Page 1. You have a scene heading/slugline indicating we are inside but you have Kevin stands outside. That was probably just a typo but then you have to address the next scene when you bring us outside if we are indeed already outside unless we are actually inside.
I wouldn't use crestfallen. I'd use sad or disappointed. I feel like it flows better and you don't have to google sad or disappointed. That's just my opinion. Example: Page 3.
Overall I get where you were going with this story and what you were trying to do with it. I think some dialogue could help out the story.
I hope some of this helps.
Best of luck to you with your current and future projects. |