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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Trick or Tweet
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  Author    Trick or Tweet  (currently 1741 views)
Don
Posted: October 31st, 2017, 9:11am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Trick or Tweet by David Lambertson - Short, Comedy - President Trump is haunted by the ghosts of presidents past.  8 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Bogey
Posted: October 31st, 2017, 10:46am Report to Moderator
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Dave-

Love the premise.

The dialogue fell a little flat for me, I think because it was mostly a reiteration of what Trump's said in the past. I would have liked some fighting back with new levels of his ignorance of history (attack Washington with something like, "Well if you're so smart, how many times have you been on the cover of Time" or blame Lincoln for Charlottesville). Maybe an ironic tattoo revealed through the open robe?

Anyway, a fun read that I appreciated...especially the day after yesterday.
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eldave1
Posted: October 31st, 2017, 1:49pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Bogey
Dave-

Love the premise.

The dialogue fell a little flat for me, I think because it was mostly a reiteration of what Trump's said in the past. I would have liked some fighting back with new levels of his ignorance of history (attack Washington with something like, "Well if you're so smart, how many times have you been on the cover of Time" or blame Lincoln for Charlottesville). Maybe an ironic tattoo revealed through the open robe?



Anyway, a fun read that I appreciated...especially the day after yesterday.


Like your ideas - I like them. Thanks for the reaf.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: October 31st, 2017, 5:43pm Report to Moderator
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DAVE -

Shorts.  They are what they are.  So I don't try to read too much into them.

No changing Trump.  I enjoyed the premise and the script did have funny moments.

You seem to have a knack for comedy.  From where I sit ,  I don't think you had to pull a lot of strings to go for jokes, for the most part, they felt like they were coming organically out of the situation.   If that makes sense....


Good stuff.  Thanks for entertaining

Ghostie


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eldave1
Posted: October 31st, 2017, 7:28pm Report to Moderator
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DAVE -

Shorts.  They are what they are.  So I don't try to read too much into them.

No changing Trump.  I enjoyed the premise and the script did have funny moments.

You seem to have a knack for comedy.  From where I sit ,  I don't think you had to pull a lot of strings to go for jokes, for the most part, they felt like they were coming organically out of the situation.   If that makes sense....


Good stuff.  Thanks for entertaining

Ghostie

It does - thanks for the read


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Kirsten
Posted: November 2nd, 2017, 7:12am Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Hey Dave, that was fun.....you should send it to SNL!


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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eldave1
Posted: November 2nd, 2017, 9:45am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Kirsten
Hey Dave, that was fun.....you should send it to SNL!


Thanks, Kirsten- appreciated.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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khamanna
Posted: November 2nd, 2017, 12:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Dave.

you have Lincoln's arm's tense on p4 - thought that might be a typo.

Anyway, that was a lot of fun. I liked it a lot. Can't suggest anything here, I think it should stay as is. At first I saw Trump and thought that nothing good can come out of this. But this works very well for me.
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eldave1
Posted: November 2nd, 2017, 12:41pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from khamanna
Hey Dave.

you have Lincoln's arm's tense on p4 - thought that might be a typo.

Anyway, that was a lot of fun. I liked it a lot. Can't suggest anything here, I think it should stay as is. At first I saw Trump and thought that nothing good can come out of this. But this works very well for me.


Thanks. Khamanna - ironically, this was going to be my OWC submittal - got a third through it and saw no comedy genre so abandoned it for a bit - so, in a way, you inspired it's initiation.  Thanks for the read and the comments. Appreciated.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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khamanna
Posted: November 2nd, 2017, 1:53pm Report to Moderator
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Would it be about the fear of ghosts then, Dave?
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eldave1
Posted: November 2nd, 2017, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from khamanna
Would it be about the fear of ghosts then, Dave?


No - I changed it from the original since I was no longer having to meet the phobia or RIP requirement. It was going to be Peladophobia - the fear of becoming bald. Had material in that regard which I later discarded.  


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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MarkItZero
Posted: November 3rd, 2017, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
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I'm with Kirsten, this should be an SNL skit. Loved the Covfefe line.


That rug really tied the room together.
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eldave1
Posted: November 3rd, 2017, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MarkItZero
I'm with Kirsten, this should be an SNL skit. Loved the Covfefe line.


Thanks, mate. Glad you liked it.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Marty
Posted: November 6th, 2017, 8:37am Report to Moderator
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Dave,

I enjoyed this one. It was funny and well well written.

I agree with Kristen and MarkItZero, definitely SNL worthy.

Great work.

All the best,
Marty
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eldave1
Posted: November 6th, 2017, 10:35am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Marty
Dave,

I enjoyed this one. It was funny and well well written.

I agree with Kristen and MarkItZero, definitely SNL worthy.

Great work.

All the best,
Marty


Thanks, Marty - appreciated.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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