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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe
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  Author    Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe  (currently 239 views)
Don
Posted: November 5th, 2017, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe by Marty - Short, Comedy - Three men sweat out the results of their paternity test. 8 Pages. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Marty
Posted: November 13th, 2017, 12:16pm Report to Moderator
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All,

I was just wondering if anyone could give this a read and let me know if the flow of the story and the style of my writing is something I should continue to encompass in regards to my future work or if I should rethink they way I approach the page all together.

Also, if there is any additional feedback you'd like to share on top of that, I'd truly appreciate that as well.

Thank you in advance.

All the best,
Marty
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eldave1
Posted: November 13th, 2017, 2:29pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, Marty.

Page 1:

All dudes handsome and 20s. Only difference is one is edgy, one athletic, one awkward. Why not shake it up more? One 40s and professorial, one 30s - dressed like a wall street wannabe, one 20s, rugged and athletic.  It would make for a far more interesting ensemble. Hell, you could even male one of them married.

From the onset - not sure why these guys would know each other but I'll wait to see what develops.

Way to many "nods" - gets tedious.


Quoted Text
MICHAEL/ANTHONY/EASTON
Hi, Denise.


A bit boring/mundane for my taste. Why not difference responses from the two and just a sneer from the other.

A little stereotypical on the Denise character description (i.e., since she's got three men involved she has to be dressed that way - more interesting if she was a button down conservative type  - but again, will wait and see.

page 3


Quoted Text
ROBERT WILKINS, 40s, full business suite, full asshole.


Love the description - but I think you mean suit.


Quoted Text
ROBERT
Gentlemen. My names Robert Wilkins.


name's

Quoted Text

INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE, MEETING ROOM - DAY - LATER


No - has to be a week later - I would add a SUPER

I also had a hard time with the logistics - couldn't quite buy the scene where the nurse discloses their private lab results to a group.  

Okay - on the over all story. Well written enough but Just okay for me - has potential.  

In terms of your original question - I think you are mostly there style wise other than tone. I think you could work on that in scene description and dialogue. I read a blog post somewhere a while back where they described it as something like when you're writing a bar scene, make sure the reader can feel the sticky residue from the floor on their shoes.

The nod thing was something a long that line - you have a chance there to have distinct actions to help us understand the tone of a character - but there actions are all the same. Hence - they don't pop.

Hope this helps



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Marty
Posted: November 13th, 2017, 3:02pm Report to Moderator
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Dave,

Great feedback as always and very much appreciated.

Thank you for picking up on the typos and misspellings.

The SUPER is a great suggestion and something I should have thought about prior.

Also I could break up the age group for the men. I just had an image of three college aged kids taking a paternity test. Probably didn't do a good job at connecting how they all know one another.

Great advice regarding the blog you read. I'll definitely be keeping that in mind each time I write from now on.

This one fell flat. My apologies.

I'm trying to work out the kinks of the shorts before attempting the features.
Just trying to make sure I'm somewhat on the right path; story, structure, characters and dialogue wise.
I'll work on the tone, scene descriptions and dialogue more.
Make my weakest links stronger.

Thank you again.

All the best,
Marty
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eldave1
Posted: November 13th, 2017, 3:14pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Marty
Dave,

Great feedback as always and very much appreciated.

Thank you for picking up on the typos and misspellings.

The SUPER is a great suggestion and something I should have thought about prior.

Also I could break up the age group for the men. I just had an image of three college aged kids taking a paternity test. Probably didn't do a good job at connecting how they all know one another.

Great advice regarding the blog you read. I'll definitely be keeping that in mind each time I write from now on.

This one fell flat. My apologies.

I'm trying to work out the kinks of the shorts before attempting the features.
Just trying to make sure I'm somewhat on the right path; story, structure, characters and dialogue wise.
I'll work on the tone, scene descriptions and dialogue more.
Make my weakest links stronger.

Thank you again.

All the best,
Marty


My pleasure.

From my view of your writing you have the skill set to write a feature.

In terms of descriptions - Minimum words, maximum impact.

You do great with the former - just a little work on the latter.

Best of luck


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Marty
Posted: November 13th, 2017, 3:30pm Report to Moderator
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Dave,

I appreciate the kind words and the motivation.

I think I'll give it my best shot.

All the best,
Marty
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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: November 15th, 2017, 9:21pm Report to Moderator
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Marty,

I like Dave's suggestion of breaking up the ages of the guys.  Since it's a comedy, make one guy REALLY OLD (if you're younger, don't say 50 is old!).  I'm talking Methuselah old.  When he gets his results, he passes out.

I've always cracked up at the super old guys that ended up with young foxy women.  I especially appreciate it now, because I'm that old guy!!!


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
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Marty
Posted: November 15th, 2017, 10:33pm Report to Moderator
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Jeremiah,

Thank you for taking the time to read my script and offer up some great feedback. It's greatly appreciated.

In regards to making the men different ages, it seems as though, that is the best bet to make this story better. More comedic.

I think the saying goes, if a couple of people say you're drunk, go sit down. Then, you are drunk, so do sit down.
So I will take the advice of you and Dave and address this in rewrite/reworking of the story.

I like your suggestion of making one of them really old and passing out when he gets the results back. That's funny. I can picture it now.

Thank you for the new scene and your feedback.

All the best,
Marty
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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: November 16th, 2017, 9:06pm Report to Moderator
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My pleasure.  Good luck on the rewrite!


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
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khamanna
Posted: November 17th, 2017, 5:51am Report to Moderator
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Hi. This doesn't read like a comedy.

It reminds me of Laces - only there we had to guess the mother and it's not a short, not even a feature, it's a series. Fun to watch though.

Here you didn't get us into their heads and we don't know their stories. I don't sympathize with any of them because of that and for that reason, I'm not invested in the script.

You explained the story very late. I wish they talked about something in the beginning and you gave us some of the story to entice us read further.
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Marty
Posted: November 17th, 2017, 9:16am Report to Moderator
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khamanna,

Thank you for taking the time to read my script and provide me with feedback. I appreciate all of it.

I agree with your feedback.

This is not my best work, however, I will take it as a great learning experience.

Your criticism is valid and I hope to not disappoint you in the future. My apologies.

All the best,
Marty
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