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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Stayin' Alive
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  Author    Stayin' Alive  (currently 279 views)
Don
Posted: February 11th, 2018, 3:30pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Stayin' Alive by Paul Knauer - Short, Comedy - A cocky bug's day goes sideways. 2 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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ChrisBodily
Posted: February 13th, 2018, 1:42am Report to Moderator
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This reads like a shooting script. Normally, camera angles/shots and song choices are big no-no's, unless you're already an established writer and/or director. Tarantino can get away with it because he already has the clout to do so. But when you're a rookie, it's best to stick to the rules.

Similarly, beginning writers should avoid anything to the tune of "we see" or "we hear."

Watch out for passive voice. "Something happens" vs. "Something is happening" or "Something has happened."

"Near[-]misses"

The script appears to be written in the first person (plural). That works for prose, but not for a script.

This is starting to read more like an amusement park ride or 3D attraction than a script.

Characters aren't capped. They need to be when first introduced.

So... can we hear the guy sing or not?

The black transition should go on the right, not left.

It's a cute/funny idea, but fails as a script. You just need to rewrite it as a script and you'll be good to go.


FADE IN:
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PKCardinal
Posted: February 13th, 2018, 11:35pm Report to Moderator
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Appreciate the response. I'm definitely aware of the "rules." But, on this one, I wasn't interested in following them. I normally avoid "we" like the plague that it is. But, I think it's right for this script. Same with the camera angles.

Because of that, I'll take the amusement park ride note as a compliment. That's exactly what I'm going for: You're the one that's going on the ride. (We're the bugs.)

I'd never do any of that in a feature script. Check out my thriller script for how I'd normally write.

Side note:
It was written for a challenge between some friends. We were gonna shoot a bunch of super short shorts. Plans fell through, so I thought I'd throw it on here for anyone who wants a chuckle. (But, basically, it IS a shooting script.)


Great thoughts. Truly appreciate all of them. Thanks for taking the time to read my script. Since we're unlikely to shoot it this year, at least someone got to read it.

Best,
Paul


Happy to trade reviews... just ask.
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Kirsten
Posted: February 17th, 2018, 5:24pm Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Hey Paul

I liked it. Very cool. It's a good idea. Short and sweet. And unfortunate, plus I love that song....


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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PKCardinal
Posted: February 18th, 2018, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Kirsten.

That song is a total brain worm. Took me weeks to shake it after writing the script. Can't imagine how long it would take an editor to shake it after cutting this piece together.


Happy to trade reviews... just ask.
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