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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Parties by Leo
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Don
Posted: June 10th, 2018, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Parties by Leo by Anthony Cawood (AnthonyCawood) writing as xYz - Short, Comedy - The worlds most famous artist and inventor has one last job to do. 8 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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HyperMatt
Posted: June 12th, 2018, 2:24pm Report to Moderator
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I think you would get more interest if people knew this was about Leonardo Da Vinci. Everyone loves Da Vinci (I do anyway). Didn't realise it until I started reading, I'm dim like that. Maybe the title could be 'Parties by Da Vinci'? (but what do I know?)
I sense a Monty Python thing going on (or Carry on Leo?).


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HyperMatt
Posted: June 12th, 2018, 2:53pm Report to Moderator
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The period characters were well realised, my only criticism on that, they seemed a bit too 'contemporary Americanized (even I don't know what I mean by that). But it is clear this is a tongue in cheek piece.
I liked that comic dark ending, that's real British humour.
Like the scene introducing Lino bursting out of the cake, made me think of Pope Leo X's greater excesses (that would make a great subject for a script).
I like the party scene where we get to see all of Da Vinci's noted inventions (I would have loved to see something with Da Vinci's bronze horse, but I'm digressing again).  
I thought Leo and Roberto's talk at the start could have been shorter.
The story was quite warm despite the ending, it left a sweet taste in the mouth.
Pg 1.  - 'Leo Laughs' - add Full stop
This is quite an indulgent short and would be expensive, and that is not counting the twin kids you'll have to find. I felt it lent itself more to a feature. A British comedy flick (please, no Eric Idle in the lead!)


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 12th, 2018, 3:21pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Matt and thanks for taking a look.

This was written for the last but one writing challenge on this very site, so I threw all budget considerations out of the window and indulged myself... I also don't normally write comedy, so was a bit of an experiment in that regards too.

I am considering expanding the concept so will keep all your comments in mind.

Thanks again!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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HyperMatt
Posted: June 15th, 2018, 4:54am Report to Moderator
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Please include the horse of bronze!

Did you ever see the BBC documenary about Leonardo with Mark Rylance in the role? That was one of the first things I saw him in, what a brilliant performeance.


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