Devastora by Claudio Sanchez - Short, Comedy - Devastora is a deadly assassin, also she is hot. 8 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work

Dialog was awful, but kinda liked the premise. Characters were good too, despite the material.

What ensues can only be described as a
40 minute gun fight wherein Devastora flips her hair like
10 times and does those sideways flips where her legs open
all wide. The thugs all shoot at her with machine guns,
rocket launchers, and someone even has a fuckin tank in the
nightclub.

Now, I know this is meant to be a comedy, perhaps an over-the-top one, but... Really? 40 minutes described in a sentence doesn't work. A tank in the nightclub? Don't think so.

Take a more structured approach to the material and something like this could work.

Awesome, thanks for the input Arundel.

A little backstory: I wrote this because 70% of people in my screenwriting class wrote about a female spy/assassin and they were always kinda cringe-y and over-the-top, not very self-aware. The script is meant to be a cheesy comedy, inspired by satires like The Naked Gun or Team America: World Police.

I wrote the script very quickly, so thank you for wading through it! After submitting, I noticed a few grammatical errors, and I think I also missed the mark by putting attempts at comedy in the action lines. If I do some editing, it would be to make those bits part of some kind of narration.

Thanks again!