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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Memory of an Investigation
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  Author    Memory of an Investigation  (currently 1306 views)
Don
Posted: June 26th, 2012, 11:15am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Memory of an Investigation by Lochlan Bloom - Short, Drama - A detective must grapple with his own memory as he investigates the disappearance of a young girl. 9 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  September 27th, 2018, 4:21pm
revised draft
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Gage
Posted: June 26th, 2012, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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No title page?

Good imagery in the first paragraph.

"The camera dollies in to her neck and passed her out to the
blue sky above."  This sentence seems a bit broken.

A LOT of camera directions just on the first page.  Those tend to get a bit distracting for some people.

On the second page, everytime Antony speaks there is "..." which seems to interrupt the flow.  Maybe add a parenthetical.  As is, it seems that Antony has a speech problem.

Page three, when Antony speaks there needs to be a V.O.

It also seems that you are missing a lot of periods at the end of your sentences.

"CLOSE UP. NAKED COUPLE POST-COPITAL - DAY"
This cannot be a slug.  Naked people are not a place.

I am a bit confused.  This reminds me of Memento, with the memories and the non-linearity of it.  I liked it overall, you have a very set taste and style you are going for and it helped me imagine it as you did (I think).  However, I did not quite understand the purpose of the client.

Perhaps you could enlighten me?


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gregearnest
Posted: July 22nd, 2012, 12:13pm Report to Moderator
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I would really like to produce this film for the purpose of entering it in festivals, but I am having a hard time contacting the author. A little help?
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bert
Posted: July 22nd, 2012, 1:11pm Report to Moderator
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Buy the ticket, take the ride

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lochlanb5@gmail.com is what we got for this guy.

Whether it is good or not, no clue.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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