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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  My Imaginary Friend - Filmed
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  Author    My Imaginary Friend - Filmed  (currently 6980 views)
LC
Posted: July 18th, 2016, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
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Warren, Ben has a point about your slugs.

When a 'short' like this is confined to one location mini slugs would be my choice. Cleaner to follow/read.

As for your logline don't get me wrong, the construction is good, and it reads well, but with the twist I'm just not sure...

That's if I've got the twist right, of course.



SPOILERS

Perhaps others could weigh in before I even think of suggesting an alt. I dunno maybe the misdirection of the log adds to this as well...


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Warren
Posted: July 18th, 2016, 6:46pm Report to Moderator
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Cheers, LC.

Will have another look.


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MarkItZero
Posted: July 18th, 2016, 7:23pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked the dialogue between Oliver and Emily, bought into that whole dynamic right away. I was left scratching my head at the ending but in a good way. It made me wanna go back and read it again. So I did and now I think I got it. Maybe. 80% sure. But it's definitely confusing in a good way.


That rug really tied the room together.
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Warren
Posted: July 18th, 2016, 7:31pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read, James.

Glad you liked it. It's definitely a thinker. I found the writing quite challanging as well but I really do feel it's all in there, purposely vague as always.

I do agree with a previous comment that it would probably play out better on screen, but  I hope it still makes for an engaging and thought provoking read.

Really happy with how the dialogue works between Oliver and Emily.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: July 19th, 2016, 10:14am Report to Moderator
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Hey Warren.

First off all the logline. It made me want to read the script. That to me is a good logline. I'd say 90% of the loglines I see on scripts do the opposite. This one perked my interest and made me read page 1, which is the result you want.

The script itself was well worth reading. It was compelling and I wanted to know what happened next. It was easy to follow the action and the dialogue seemed very natural. If I was being fussy I'd say you don't need the parenthetical with the police officer. If you've written the action/dialogue right it should be obvious he's speaking to the other officer, as no-one else is in the scene.

I'd also avoid 'begins to' and 'starts to' if possible.  You would never write 'Oliver stops skipping around the table' so try not to do the opposite which reads equally odd.

The father seemed one-dimensional. He was very much the evil drunk, abusive father in every second of screen time, so much so he seemed there simply to be that archetype rather than a real, flushed out character. I realize this is a short so you don't have the time to develop him that much but because of this, when dad flipped out it seemed he just did this solely to fit into your story rather than a natural culmination of events.  

The ending I didn't get so I did read it again. Then I thought I had it sussed but the way you've written it, especially the last line, confused me so now I'm not sure.

POTENTIAL SPOILER ALERT

What I think has happened is this is Oliver remembering something that happened to him as a child. But if so who is the boy? If it is Oliver why doesn't it say Oliver instead of boy? And if it is, how come the dad can't see or hear Oliver?

The last line throws me. The bullet just misses Danny. It reads like someone shoots at Danny at the moment we see the picture.

I do like this though. My comments are hopefully helpful, I think with a bit of a re-draft this could be very producible indeed.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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RichardR
Posted: July 19th, 2016, 3:29pm Report to Moderator
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Warren,

Some notes.

Since you seem serious, I'll go through this one a bit more thoroughly.

I believe without is one word.

The closet is flung anywhere.  Oliver flings open the closet, right?

The opening scenes play well.  I'm not sure why Danny has to wear a white vest, but that's me.  You might consider having Oliver just 'cower' as opposed to 'sits cowering'.

The story works for me, although I was sort of hoping.....SPOILERS!!!

that Danny, Kate, and Emily were all imaginary, but the photograph nixes that.

Good job on pulling a switch for us, making Emily the imaginary friend instead of Oliver.  It reads well, although you might consider making Kate and Danny a bit more two dimensional.  That's just me.  Good job.

Best
Richard
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AdamJohns
Posted: July 19th, 2016, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
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Really liked this script, Warren. Loved the reveal at the end. I wouldn't change the logline at all.

John
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Warren
Posted: July 19th, 2016, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read, Mark and Richard.

Firstly thanks for your positive comments.

As far as the incorrect wording and format pickups, I will change as appropriate.

In the interest of making this the best possible script it can be I will let everyone know what I had in mind when I wrote it.

In a sense, I like the fact that people are taking slightly different things from it and it is still working for them, kinda sort of, but this was the picture in my head.

MASSIVE SPOILERS:

So straight up the logline is obviously misdirection.

I will say I tried to pack a lot in for under 10 pages.

Emily is the imaginary friend and Danny and Kate don’t exist, well they do as they are Oliver’s parents but they aren’t actually in the room at anytime. They are an extension of the imaginary friend bit, but not ‘friends’.

Danny and Kate are purposefully written as one dimensional characters, they represent how Oliver sees them. I felt breathing anymore life into them would make them ‘more real’ and this didn’t seem like a good idea in a piece that is already confusing.

The whole script is essentially someone that has lost the plot due to years of abuse. All his interactions are fabricated in his mind.

Here it gets more confusing, but it’s in there. Oliver is clearly written to be way more affected by Danny’s actions and fears Danny more than Emily. Emily even comforts her ‘imaginary friend’ after a confrontation with Danny. This shouldn’t really make sense, but in the context of the story and the complete picture it does.

At the end we hear two gunshots and the bottle break. Oliver takes a shot at the picture of Danny (which the cop sees at the end, this also reveals Oliver as a young boy). The second shot being the one to the head and then obviously the bottle next to Oliver which we heard break. Essentially he has turned into a drunk just like his abusive father.

So in the end, was this overly ambitious? Probably. Did I enjoy creating this topsy turvy world where nothing is quite as it seems? Oh God yes!

I like the fact that this script has been engaging enough to make people want to reread all or some of it, and that is really what I wanted. I wanted it complex, something to make you think.



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Warren
Posted: July 19th, 2016, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, JayZ.

Glad you liked it.


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LC
Posted: July 19th, 2016, 5:58pm Report to Moderator
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Warren, I'm glad you said it, cause I was just about to spill the beans myself, with SPOILERS of course.

I do think this might be obvious onscreen. But to add clarity I think the key is to better describe Oliver's clothing in the denouement. Make sure he is dressed identically to the opening scene.

That top and tail should be visually clear instead of 'dressed like a madman' which suggests something else altogether. Reiterate the 'orange hair' 'multicoloured ill fitting clothes' etc. And I'd consider making Oliver a similar age to Emily and have these as more recent events, otherwise I think you're adding a level of confusion that might make the final produced film less satisfying for your audience.. 'Madman' was the bit that stymied me in the first place, and I have a feeling it's tripping others up.

P.S. I'm glad I got the twist.

The thing is, clever and confusing v a satisfying twist, well, I'm always going to enjoy the latter more when watching the film, unless of course it's Memento which delivered on both counts.

Again, Jmh.


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Warren
Posted: July 19th, 2016, 6:37pm Report to Moderator
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LC, this was my logic.

So although it isn’t written, I assumed, maybe incorrectly, that people would realise Oliver is still dressed the same. The reason I used the two polar opposite descriptions of him was to emphasis the delusion again. To a kid he is a funny looking, playful guy. To a grown adult, a police officer, he would look like a madman (with the idea that he is still dressed the same as earlier).

As far as the age difference. I did struggle with this. Oliver had to be old enough to live by himself and have access to a gun, how close could I really make the ages? I mean, if he was 18 would it make much difference? I liked the age I chose because it gives this delusion a few years to manifest into such an extreme thing. A lot of that isn’t written but I thought it seemed logical in my head.

I guess for me the link was that Emily was the same age as Oliver in the picture. (just realized I didn't put it in. I originally had Oliver's name when he is revealed at the end, like Mark suggested. I took it out because I didn't want it to be so 'in your face', I think I will go back to what I had originally)

Interested to know what your thoughts are, if you have the time.

Thanks for giving this more attention, much appreciated.



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Warren  -  July 19th, 2016, 9:52pm
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LC
Posted: July 20th, 2016, 1:51am Report to Moderator
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Hmm, well while I understand what you're saying, and I can only speak for myself,  I'll reiterate that the reason I needed to read it twice before I got it was the 'madman' description threw me.

You could be complicating the read unnecessarily. Plus a potential director /producer should know he's dressed the same way as at the top of the story.
.
As long as they do get it I don't suppose it really matters, then again if a lot of readers are confused I'd be making that ending clearer, otherwise I feel you're being cryptic for the sake of being clever and making your reader work harder than necessary, and to what end? It could in fact be detrimental to you getting it picked up quicker.. But then again, we'll wait and see...  


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Warren
Posted: July 20th, 2016, 2:19am Report to Moderator
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I edited it during lunch and am uploading the new version now.

Thanks,LC. I definitely get what you're saying.


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BenL
Posted: July 20th, 2016, 2:22am Report to Moderator
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Well, now that Warren revealed the truth about the story I must admit that I didn't get it.

Writing something ambitious that makes the reader think is not easy because the twist has to be perfectly clear. Otherwise it just doesn't work because if the readers have to spend a lot of time trying to figure out what's going on that's a bad sign. I was facing the same issue with a sci-fi feature that I started to write long time ago, then I decided to let it go for a while and move on to a new script until I'd figure out a way how to do it so that a reader would get it right away.

I think the ending should be clearer, not sure if everyone will get this right away. But it's great to see that you're trying to write something ambitious instead of two characters sitting on a couch having a useless conversation about life.

So thumbs up for that!
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Warren
Posted: July 20th, 2016, 2:38am Report to Moderator
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New version is up now. It's still the same story but I feel the ending is a lot clearer, hopefully not to the point that it takes away from the story.

Thanks, all.


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