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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Silence, Eventually - Filmed -  In Post Production
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  Author    Silence, Eventually - Filmed -  In Post Production  (currently 5528 views)
Don
Posted: August 21st, 2016, 10:27am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Silence, Eventually by Steven Clark - Short, Drama - Two young men suffer an eventful first date at a night club, but that's neither the beginning, or the end, of their personal struggles. 11 pages - pdf, format

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Don  -  January 1st, 2017, 1:10pm
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Warren
Posted: August 21st, 2016, 9:42pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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I loved this. It's well written and has a really great flow to it.

Torn straight out of the headlines, but a really good perspective.

I have one issue, the ending felt so anti climatic.

I thought either the family would find out he was gay and flip out or the most satisfying ending for me would have been that the parents knew and were just waiting for him to come out in his own time.

So when he gets home they are so happy he is alive and the gay thing doesn’t matter.

You would obviously need to link the parents to knowing about the club but that wouldn’t be too hard. Could have searched his room when he didn’t come home and found a flyer for the club. I think if you had ended this way, you just might have gotten a tear out of me

Still great, just my thoughts.

Well done.



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Warren  -  January 2nd, 2017, 10:23pm
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SAC
Posted: August 21st, 2016, 10:09pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Damn, Warren. That's a great friggin idea! I should run more of my scripts past you. Thanks for the comments. I'm glad you liked it!


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Warren
Posted: August 21st, 2016, 10:28pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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DO IT, DO IT, DO IT!

I meant it, I think you got something great here and I'm so damn picky



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Warren  -  August 21st, 2016, 10:30pm
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RonH
Posted: August 22nd, 2016, 3:12pm Report to Moderator
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Steven,

Beautiful story. Loved it.  I also agree with Warren about the ending, which sounds perfect. Perhaps, Kyle walks in the door, to hear the news already all over the tv and radio. The family has been huddled around, hoping, waiting, for him to walk in the door.

Best
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eldave1
Posted: August 22nd, 2016, 6:37pm Report to Moderator
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Steven: Solid writing here - you spent some time and effort on this one and it shows. A couple of nits from me:


Quoted Text
ROZ (42), a skinny African American cross-dresser who takes noticeable care of her looks,


This could just be me - but it took me two reads to figure out if Roz was a woman crossed dressed as a man or vice versa (i.e., since you refer to "her" looks rather than "his" looks.  


Quoted Text
KYLEI
I just got finished pretending I was dead with two corpses lying on top of me. So, no, I'm not okay


The only piece of dialogue that I did not care for - it was too OTN nose for me. Seemed un - natural. Maybe the discussion of this could take place while Kyle is being tended to by Roz. A lot of blood on his shirt - from the shrapnel - no - from the bodies he was hiding under. Just a thought.

Concur with Warren - The ending lacks a little punch. I think a TV set on in the background with the news of the shooting could be effective (maybe they could be in the Living Room rather than the kitchen - the news on - the flyer that Warren mentioned in one of their hands.

Not a fan of them both accepting. I would like it better if the Mother embraced him - "Thank God, you got out alive. Are you okay?" - The Father watches the embrace - disappointed and confused walks out of the room saying - "No, apparently he's not."   The young brother saying when you fade to black. "Mommy, what does Daddy mean?

Just to clean for me to have a love fest at the end.

Anyway - this is a great effort - and easy read and a compelling story - it drew me in.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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SAC
Posted: August 23rd, 2016, 7:31am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Ron,

Thanks for the read! I appreciate you taking the time and I'm glad you liked this one. I left a review over on the Fucky Luckers thread!

Dave,

Appreciate the time as always.

The action with Roz. I could see where this might read a little off but... Seeing as her name is Roz, and I described her as a woman, I'm just assuming me using the term cross dresser would kinda spell it out. Plus, I would have to guess that a male cross dressing as a woman might be more prevalent than the other way around. Now THAT might just be me.

And I see what you're saying with that dialogue. I guess it is a little OTN, but I'm gonna hold off on changing it just yet. Perhaps it could've been said earlier. Still, it goes a long way to suggest the kind of trauma Kyle has suffered. We'll see. Thanks for your notes!

ALSO -- I just updated this with a new ending. I certainly didn't want it to be a love fest, either. So, I tried to keep it simple and understated. Let me know your thoughts if you have the time. Thanks again!

Steve


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Warren
Posted: August 23rd, 2016, 6:47pm Report to Moderator
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A much more satisfying ending.

I can see this being made and hope it is.

Would honestly be surprised if it didn’t get picked up.



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eldave1
Posted: August 24th, 2016, 10:23am Report to Moderator
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Concur with Warren


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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SAC
Posted: August 24th, 2016, 8:48pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Dave and Warren & Ron,

Thanks for the help with this. You guys rock.


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PrussianMosby
Posted: August 25th, 2016, 12:55am Report to Moderator
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Oh, well, after all, reading and watching your stuff, I'm completely used to the way you nail the slow beats, build a beautiful rhythm, and serve identification with tone from start to finish. I definitely get a connection to your scripts. It's even getting better and better, I'd say. The sensibility in your dramas, how you show human nature, is impressive; pure feelings. Just go on, Steve. It's just good all along, professional to a degree that you even make it look easy. Is it?



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SAC
Posted: August 25th, 2016, 4:43pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Alex,

Thanks for checking this out. Very glad you liked it. Actually, this was kinda easy to write as the story came to me within an hour or so on a drive home from upstate. A director had contacted me previously and asked if I could write something that involved the Orlando night club shooting, low budget and with an emotional angle. So, I wrote this. It wasn't exactly what he was looking for. His vision for this was completely different. So, we just agreed to disagree. But I'm pretty happy with how this turned out. Thanks again!

Steve


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RegularJohn
Posted: August 27th, 2016, 12:47pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Steven.

I'm not sure what I could add that hasn't already been said.  You updated the ending so I cannot compare the two but in any case I enjoyed this one.

One aspect that I really enjoy with your writing is your ability to illustrate awkwardness and discomfort with actions alone between the casual lines of dialogue, especially when Kyle and Sam kind of jumble around in the morning.  That part of the writing was, for me, exceptional.

The ending works but I feel as though the flier itself wouldn't fully convince Kyle's father that that club was where his son was at (assuming that he searches for every possible reason for his son NOT to be gay).  I know that the evidence is pretty staggering to support Kyle being at that club and his mother seems more than convinced but I still feel as though his father would still question it.  They were having breakfast are at least I suspect so the suspicion that he was at that club didn't fully convince them so that to me would indicate that his father is still skeptical.  Sorry to droll on like this and it's fine the way it's written but I feel as though Kyle's father wouldn't be as swayed that Kyle was there so much as his mother.  Perhaps a little more interaction between the two would clear things up a bit and add to the climax but that's just me.

Either way, great job with this one.

-Johnny


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RichardR
Posted: August 29th, 2016, 1:50pm Report to Moderator
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Steven,

Good job.  Don't have a lot to say that will help.  This works for me.  

Best
Richard
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SAC
Posted: August 29th, 2016, 9:49pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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John,

Thanks for checking this out. I see your point, and it's valid. However, when doing the rewrite of the ending -- which didn't even show what happened inside the house -- I wanted it to be about what wasn't said. His father, we can assume, is happy he's okay, but he never smiled, hugged him, and he was the one that produced the flier. I think -- hope-- that speaks for itself.

Richard,

Thanks for the read and I'm glad this worked for you. Appreciated, and congrats on your OWC!

Steve


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