Silence, Eventually by Steven Clark - Short, Drama - Two young men suffer an eventful first date at a night club, but that's neither the beginning, or the end, of their personal struggles. 11 pages - pdf, format

++++

I loved this. It's well written and has a really great flow to it.

Torn straight out of the headlines, but a really good perspective.

I have one issue, the ending felt so anti climatic.

I thought either the family would find out he was gay and flip out or the most satisfying ending for me would have been that the parents knew and were just waiting for him to come out in his own time.

So when he gets home they are so happy he is alive and the gay thing doesn’t matter.

You would obviously need to link the parents to knowing about the club but that wouldn’t be too hard. Could have searched his room when he didn’t come home and found a flyer for the club. I think if you had ended this way, you just might have gotten a tear out of me

Still great, just my thoughts.

Well done.

Damn, Warren. That's a great friggin idea! I should run more of my scripts past you. Thanks for the comments. I'm glad you liked it!

DO IT, DO IT, DO IT!

I meant it, I think you got something great here and I'm so damn picky

Steven,

Beautiful story. Loved it.  I also agree with Warren about the ending, which sounds perfect. Perhaps, Kyle walks in the door, to hear the news already all over the tv and radio. The family has been huddled around, hoping, waiting, for him to walk in the door.

Best

Steven: Solid writing here - you spent some time and effort on this one and it shows. A couple of nits from me:

Quoted Text ROZ (42), a skinny African American cross-dresser who takes noticeable care of her looks,

This could just be me - but it took me two reads to figure out if Roz was a woman crossed dressed as a man or vice versa (i.e., since you refer to "her" looks rather than "his" looks.  

Quoted Text KYLEI I just got finished pretending I was dead with two corpses lying on top of me. So, no, I'm not okay

The only piece of dialogue that I did not care for - it was too OTN nose for me. Seemed un - natural. Maybe the discussion of this could take place while Kyle is being tended to by Roz. A lot of blood on his shirt - from the shrapnel - no - from the bodies he was hiding under. Just a thought.

Concur with Warren - The ending lacks a little punch. I think a TV set on in the background with the news of the shooting could be effective (maybe they could be in the Living Room rather than the kitchen - the news on - the flyer that Warren mentioned in one of their hands.

Not a fan of them both accepting. I would like it better if the Mother embraced him - "Thank God, you got out alive. Are you okay?" - The Father watches the embrace - disappointed and confused walks out of the room saying - "No, apparently he's not."   The young brother saying when you fade to black. "Mommy, what does Daddy mean?

Just to clean for me to have a love fest at the end.

Anyway - this is a great effort - and easy read and a compelling story - it drew me in.

Ron,

Thanks for the read! I appreciate you taking the time and I'm glad you liked this one. I left a review over on the Fucky Luckers thread!

Dave,

Appreciate the time as always.

The action with Roz. I could see where this might read a little off but... Seeing as her name is Roz, and I described her as a woman, I'm just assuming me using the term cross dresser would kinda spell it out. Plus, I would have to guess that a male cross dressing as a woman might be more prevalent than the other way around. Now THAT might just be me.

And I see what you're saying with that dialogue. I guess it is a little OTN, but I'm gonna hold off on changing it just yet. Perhaps it could've been said earlier. Still, it goes a long way to suggest the kind of trauma Kyle has suffered. We'll see. Thanks for your notes!

ALSO -- I just updated this with a new ending. I certainly didn't want it to be a love fest, either. So, I tried to keep it simple and understated. Let me know your thoughts if you have the time. Thanks again!

Steve

A much more satisfying ending.

I can see this being made and hope it is.

Would honestly be surprised if it didn’t get picked up.

Concur with Warren

Dave and Warren & Ron,

Thanks for the help with this. You guys rock.

Oh, well, after all, reading and watching your stuff, I'm completely used to the way you nail the slow beats, build a beautiful rhythm, and serve identification with tone from start to finish. I definitely get a connection to your scripts. It's even getting better and better, I'd say. The sensibility in your dramas, how you show human nature, is impressive; pure feelings. Just go on, Steve. It's just good all along, professional to a degree that you even make it look easy. Is it?

Alex,

Thanks for checking this out. Very glad you liked it. Actually, this was kinda easy to write as the story came to me within an hour or so on a drive home from upstate. A director had contacted me previously and asked if I could write something that involved the Orlando night club shooting, low budget and with an emotional angle. So, I wrote this. It wasn't exactly what he was looking for. His vision for this was completely different. So, we just agreed to disagree. But I'm pretty happy with how this turned out. Thanks again!

Steve

Hey Steven.

I'm not sure what I could add that hasn't already been said.  You updated the ending so I cannot compare the two but in any case I enjoyed this one.

One aspect that I really enjoy with your writing is your ability to illustrate awkwardness and discomfort with actions alone between the casual lines of dialogue, especially when Kyle and Sam kind of jumble around in the morning.  That part of the writing was, for me, exceptional.

The ending works but I feel as though the flier itself wouldn't fully convince Kyle's father that that club was where his son was at (assuming that he searches for every possible reason for his son NOT to be gay).  I know that the evidence is pretty staggering to support Kyle being at that club and his mother seems more than convinced but I still feel as though his father would still question it.  They were having breakfast are at least I suspect so the suspicion that he was at that club didn't fully convince them so that to me would indicate that his father is still skeptical.  Sorry to droll on like this and it's fine the way it's written but I feel as though Kyle's father wouldn't be as swayed that Kyle was there so much as his mother.  Perhaps a little more interaction between the two would clear things up a bit and add to the climax but that's just me.

Either way, great job with this one.

-Johnny

Steven,

Good job.  Don't have a lot to say that will help.  This works for me.  

Best
Richard

John,

Thanks for checking this out. I see your point, and it's valid. However, when doing the rewrite of the ending -- which didn't even show what happened inside the house -- I wanted it to be about what wasn't said. His father, we can assume, is happy he's okay, but he never smiled, hugged him, and he was the one that produced the flier. I think -- hope-- that speaks for itself.

Richard,

Thanks for the read and I'm glad this worked for you. Appreciated, and congrats on your OWC!

Steve

I didn't read other reviews so I apologise for doubling up on anything!

Firstly, is Roz a cross-dresser or a transwoman?  A cross-dresser, in the context of a gay club, would be a drag queen and are referred to as "he" generally. But you've called Roz "she" in the text which leads me to believe she's a transwoman. PS, just an aside - trans people don't like being mixed up with cross-dressers, if that is actually what's happened here.

There's like, 99.99% of good dialogue here with everything working fine. There's one or two lines that don't work:
"I just got finished pretending I wasdead with two corpses lying on top of me. So, no, I'm not okay" is generally an unexpected way for someone to react after that trauma, but I understand you need to establish what just happened. You could easily fix this just by changing Kyle's implied tone to quiet shock when he says that line, rather than frustration.

So, I like this fresh take on the "first date" in a traumatic event. It made me want to see more of the pair, even though the length works fine. Scene with the sprinkler is nice. The recurring "newborn diaper" motif is interesting for the reader and director to interpret.

I'm assuming this was inspired by the Orlando shooting?

I know a few gay people and even if they don't cross dress they can be referred to as 'she'. I've always assumed it depended on whether they were givers or takers... I also assumed that it depended on who was saying it, as I don't think all givers are always givers and all takers always takers. It would be better if somebody who was actually gay could pipe in - uhm, probably a poor choice of words.

I'm "actually gay" :p and the above is my genuine understanding. I meant no ill-will to the writer, and within  the community you'll get different answers anyway.

EDIT: Dustin, I just read your comment properly, I've never in my life met a gay man who prefers "she", especially not based on whether they are "givers or takers" (whatever that means). I'm actually pretty sure your gay friends are fucking with you.

I'm actually pretty sure your gay friends are fucking with you.
[quote][/quote]

Sorry - this just struck me as a hilarious line - I'm stealing it for a script.

AlsoBen,

Thanks for the comments. Some good points you made. I'll look into the dialogue one cuz Dave mentioned something about it, and your idea may be a good way to tone it down without actually changing it.

Re: Roz. Roz is based in a real person I knew. Roz was a guy, dressed like a woman for the most part, and wanted to be referred to as she, her, etc. I'm not too up on all terms or titles, which is why I chose cross-dresser and referred to Roz as she in the script mainly out of respect.

Thanks for reading!

Steve

Not sure why the Roz thing is causing so much confusion.

If the person named is a cross-dresser going by a female name (Roz) and is being called “she”, it seems obvious that he would be a man dressed as a woman. And for filming purposes whether the person is actually transgender is not going to come into play.

Okay, I'm not going to derail this thread much more...

Quoted from Stevediablo I know a lot of gay guys that like to call each other "her/she/ I'm that bitch"

But that certainly doesn't make "she" a preferred pronoun in the sense that female is their preferred gender. "It's all for show", as you said. And it's certainly not widespread.

Quoted from StevenClark Re: Roz. Roz is based in a real person I knew. Roz was a guy, dressed like a woman for the most part, and wanted to be referred to as she, her, etc. I'm not too up on all terms or titles, which is why I chose cross-dresser and referred to Roz as she in the script mainly out of respect.

Steven, that makes Roz (and your friend, maybe?) a transwoman, not a crossdresser - still not a big deal, just clarifying for you

I'm glad I could help, re: the dialogue.

My uncle is also gay, but he doesn't do that. He's been with his partner for 30 odd years. I think it's more for the people on the dance scene, like a fashion thing. Many will put on effeminate voices and dress in hot pants and the like.

Hi Steve,

Some excellent work here. I loved the idea of this closeted young man being unable to talk to his own parents about the horrors he just experienced. A kid of this age unable to share such a trauma with his family (due to the fact that he hasn't come out to them yet), well, that's just heart-wrenching. And the whole Kyle and Sam thing is touching and rendered beautifully, with subtlety and skill.

The ending is also great - I guess, Warren deserves some credit for that too. Here's the thing, though: I think Kyle's parents appeared to be too calm for the occasion. If they had actually suspected that he might have been among the victims, wouldn't they have tried to contact him on his cell phone, for starters? And if that hadn't been possible, wouldn't they have looked for him or called the police? So, for plausibility's sake, here are two little suggestions: a) Kyle couldn't be contacted because he had lost his cell phone during the shooting. b) His mother found the flyer, but didn't say anything to the father being worried about his reaction to Kyle's homosexuality. That would explain the seeming calmness in the house when Kyle returned: his mother needed to act "normally" (which would add even more drama).

Again, great work with this. Definitely one of your best.

Manolis

Manolis,

Thanks for the read, bud. Noticed you have something new up, too. I'll be checking that out when I can.

Glad you liked this. One thing your comments made me realize is how Sam's situation, which seems almost an afterthought , mirrors Kyle's. Sam has no family to speak of, yet here's Kyle with a family yet unable to tell them.

I thought of what you mentioned about Kyle's father not seeming to be appropriately furious/upset -- I'm not sure how important that is at this point, only because they think he was there. They're not certain. Mom seems to know better, and we get a good sense of her feelings, the Father a bit less so. And I think that's okay. It only mirrors Orlando, it's not necessarily exactly what happened there. Maybe I'm rationalizing. But it didn't seem to me to be that big a deal. Yet.

Steve

Finally got to read it... great writing as usual bro.

Nice interaction between Kyle and Sam and how you mirrored that with his Mom at the end.
I think  the father finding the flyer at the end was enough along with the mom's embrace. I think it was more powerful ending than one big happy hugfest...
Actions speak louder than words and you write some great action scenes.

Great work, hopefully it'll get picked up.

Some great writing led me seamlessly through the script. Not my type of thing, but it's a nice romantic tale that will appeal to the LBGT filmmakers out there. Topical. Current. Reads like a winner to me. Good luck.

Mark,

Thanks for reading, buddy. Appreciated as always and I'm happy that this worked for you.

Dustin,

Thanks for going through this for me. Appreciate  the comments and compliments. Thank you.

Quoted from AlsoBen Steven, that makes Roz (and your friend, maybe?) a transwoman, not a crossdresser - still not a big deal, just clarifying for you

Actually, I felt I have to chime in here.  It really depends on the personal preference.

There was a really, really sweet and kind cross dresser I once knew - an older "woman" named Mary.  She wasn't trans, but very much preferred going by the female pronoun.

She also gave *great* back rubs, FWIW!!  

Hey Steven,

Didn't scan previous reviews, so I might be doubling up on stuff.

A nice short. Writing was easy on the eyes. Visual.

Minor stuff:
* I assume Roz is a man dressed in woman's clothes, but "he" is referred to as "she". One instance Roz rolls "his" shirt up.
Not that this matter too much if filmed.
* P5: Sam regrets this as soon as he says it -- telling us, how does he regret it?

Good work and good luck.

Frank

Hey Steve,

Very powerful piece this one. Been meaning to get around to reading and commenting, noticed you dropped in on mine and then thought, ooh, time for payback.  

Overall I love it. I wasn't quite sure, other than for cinematic purposes why the two don't go into the house and shower - the amount of blood, I suspect, and it is far more visually dramatic.

This line below felt a bit writery/contrived to me. Btw, shouldn't that be 'lying' on top of me?

I just got finished pretending I was
dead with two corpses lying on top of
me. So, no, I'm not okay.

This line below, really great, touched me.

I'm sorry. It's just that... I don't
know. It'd be kinda nice to feel
afraid of losing someone's love once
in a while

And finally, sorry to say, cause you use it twice, the father and the diaper analogy seemed a bit out of place to me, but this is description so... it's artistic license. Just cause I found it a little odd doesn't mean anything. No comments read by me prior to posting, btw, so...

A very powerful and impacting piece. Good choice you didn't overdo it with the father's reaction too and left him rather mute in reaction. Old habits are going to die hard I suspect, or rather homophobia, so it's far more realistic.

Congrats on the STS spot too. Any bites yet? I wish you all the best in getting this picked up. Festivals and Directors of a certain ilk would be clamouring for something like this, I would think.

Very nicely done.

Frank,

Thanks for the read and the call out on the "he regrets this..." line.  It felt kinda funny when I write it, and I don't normally write lines like that. Guess I know why now, huh?

Libby,

Thanks for your thoughts. There seems to be a consensus on that first line you mentioned, so I might change it or think of a way to tone it down a bit. And that second line you mentioned... Yeah, I liked that one a lot myself. Thanks for noticing that.

The ending came about in a quick rewrite that was suggested to me, and I kept it minimal. Glad it worked for you. Most seem to like it anyway.

Steve

Congrats on the option.

I knew it wouldn’t take long.

Aha! Well done. Looking forward to seeing it.

Thanks for all the help you guys have me with this. Especially Warren, who helped put the finishing touch on this.

A production company, Sinister 7, contacted me on this and they're throwing this right into pre-production. And they're also very receptive to keeping me involved with the whole process, which is kinda cool (and rare) for a writer. Will let you know when this starts filming.

Well, that was fast. Can't wait to see it filmed. Congrats!

Quoted Text Thanks for all the help you guys have me with this. Especially Warren, who helped put the finishing touch on this.

Thanks for the mention, means a lot.

I can't wait to see this. I'm sure it's going to go far.

Stills and a clip from Silence, Eventually which is currently in post production. (click on the images to embiggen).

Silence, Eventually by Steven Clark - Short, Drama - Two young men suffer an eventful first date at a night club, but that's neither the beginning, or the end, of their personal struggles. 11 pages - pdf, format

looking forward to it

Yes, yes, yes!! Bring it.

I literally can not wait to see this.

Fantastic.

Quoted from Don (click on the images to embiggen).

.  
Congrats Steve! Look forward to it.

Thanks, Don, for posting this so quickly!

Glad you're all looking forward to it! I should mention a couple things - this script was discovered literally about an hour after I posted it in a Facebook short filmmaking group. So, it's always good to promote your stuff in different places. And the other thing - it was such a pleasure working with Sinister 7 (the prodco). They kept me involved every step of the way - from group phone conversations to texts and whatnot. They loved the script, but just as important to them, they constantly wanted my input so they could really get a feel for the characters, why I wrote this, what movie was I thinking about when I wrote it and where my head was at. These guys were great! Every screenwriter should have a crew like this working with them.

Quick note about the video clip - its more a behind the scenes thing, and note that they put red cellophane on a car headlight to get a police car light effect. Pretty tricksy. Don't know when this'll be ready, but I'm sure it'll be posted once it is. Thanks again!

Steve

Congrats Steve

It's alway great to get a script produced.

Thanks Mark. It is nice getting your work produced...especially when it's done well!

Hi Steven,
   OMG that was crazy intense.  I almost wish you started it a bit earlier with him hiding.  But, that's me.

What a fast moving story.  I can see why this got picked up and I wouldn't be shocked if you win an award for that.  

I don't think it's OTN the fact that he pulled 2 corpses on top of him.  I mean, he did that and was just describing it.  OTN, to me, is more about feelings and talking around stuff.  You merely explained how he survived.

Of course, in the last OWC I entered in, someone said that in my desire to avoid OTN for one situation, I actually was OTN for another situation, so, it is almost impossible to not have some dialog that is OTN in one way or another...  Cue the blonde song, sorry, old people music.

Congrats on getting it made.  Can't wait to see it.

Dan

I think the corpse line, what some may have been suggesting, was it might have felt a little out of place in that circumstance. Not terribly so, but a tiny bit. I can see that. But I left it anyway.

Never occurred to me to show anything inside the club because I knew that would be difficult to shoot.

Thanks for reading, Dan.

Any news on this one, Steven?

Shameless bump as well. If you haven’t read it, get on it. Great stuff!

Warren,

Hey, thanks for the bump on this. Couldn't have written this without your input. Anyway...

I just messaged the director last week because it's been a while now. After they hyped it so much during filming and all. I thought now they may have been having issues.  But, it is wrapped, and the director assured me they are very happy with how it turned out. That said, it's anyone's guess when it'll be ready to share. He told me not to worry! Haha.

The waiting game can be painful. One of my shorts has been in post for a year now. I know it's done, I've seen the BTS photos and there is a trailer, and I shared them on SS. God knows whats happening.

Well I'm sure you'll keep us posted. I look forward to seeing it.