Hi Eldave,
Oh no, I don't take the notes negatively at all. Rewriting is part of being a true writer I have heard, and also being new at writing scripts, I can use all the advice anyone wants to give. A little of what you said is what was in my mind as I was writing but I couldn't translate it to the page.

Oh man, those are excellent ideas.....is it stealing if I take most of everyone's comments here and then work them into a rewrite.....I think yeah just the rookie cop coming would be good. The other one Silva kind of kills the conflict/the reality. And I think just having the 'rookie' cop would add a lot more tension, suspense...as what you mentioned. The story is sort of flat if that makes sense but I didn't know why.

Thank you and also you gave your opinions/notes kindly and a writer can't object to that! I appreciate you all and how you all gave solutions.

Thanks again and yeah your script I read held me all the way through...I kind of liked George but I didn't but really did....awesome job.

Thank you for your time.

PS There probably will come a day when someone comments and I disagree and that's fine too. Also, it's so great to get feedback from other writers and not just family or friends who can't see the script problems, but who mean well.

It's funny how I seem to have a bit of a logic problem in some of my work, like Jared taking a nap etc...I will watch the () and also have been deleting the CUT TOs. There are so many things to learn about formatting, but once you practice long enough, it's like driving, right? It becomes second nature?

Take care and I will read your story about the policeman and domestic violence right after I rewrite this. I am funny like that, when I read other writers' work when I write, because sometimes I will start sounding like them. At least when I was a teenager and I was writing, sometimes I would be reading some of my favorite authors like Stephen King, Anne Rice, Koontz (too many to name) and I would lose my own voice. I still don't think I have found my own unique writer's voice yet but I will. If that makes any sense at all..it's in four am here.

I am really glad to be part of this community. I am taking some screenwriting classes but I have so much just from this thread that it's like a class in itself. After I get a ton of practice, I may disagree and have good reasons for doing so, but right now, I am in the learning phase still.

Have a great Sunday everyone.

Quoted Text Oh man, those are excellent ideas.....is it stealing if I take most of everyone's comments here and then work them into a rewrite

No - I do it all the time. Feel free.

I started on this site a little over two years ago when I wrote my first script at the ripe old age of 58 having never written one before. It needed a lot of work because, although I had a passion for writing, I was horrible at it in terms of format, structure, etc. 90% of what I have learned since I started was here on this site along with my good friend Google. You already have raw talent which is something you really can't learn - I am guessing given you will progress at light speed.

Jen,

I've been writing a long time.  I've been doing shorts for roughly 2 years.  Good luck with your work.


Best
Richard

Quoted from RichardR Jen, I've been writing a long time.  I've been doing shorts for roughly 2 years.  Good luck with your work. Best Richard

Thank you, you too. I will be back to post more after I read some members' work, do a rewrite and homework-making myself use my self discipline lol.

Quoted from eldave1 No - I do it all the time. Feel free. I started on this site a little over two years ago when I wrote my first script at the ripe old age of 58 having never written one before. It needed a lot of work because, although I had a passion for writing, I was horrible at it in terms of format, structure, etc. 90% of what I have learned since I started was here on this site along with my good friend Google. You already have raw talent which is something you really can't learn - I am guessing given you will progress at light speed.

Thank you so much, that is such a compliment and it means a lot to me. I know I have a long road to go, but I love to write as we all do here, or we wouldn't be on this site.

I just re read your post about the ending of Desperation. Oh my gosh, what a fantastic ending...I wasn't happy with them just driving off, there was no pizzazz, I could feel it on or by instinct if that makes sense. I love the ending idea you have of self defense.

I know you said you use notes to rewrite your own work which is what I know this feedback is for,  but I feel weird taking credit for the whole ending of him shooting Jared and the self defense thing-that is a spectacular ending. I don't know why I couldn't get that on paper....inexperience maybe?

Anyway, thanks to all of you and as I learn more, I hope to contribute helpful notes to members.

Please fill free to use the ending if you want - just glad to help.

A few quick notes...

The line where she mentions his meds, cut that out completely.  I know someone suggest re working it, but I don't think you need it at all.  It almost makes an excuse for Jared, and he doesn't need one.  If you are trying to make him a sympathetic bad guy, there are other ways to do it.

"He's so close she can smell the mint from his toothpaste."  You can't film that, so just say how close he is to her, i.e. he is so close, their faces practically touch, or something like that.

"CARUSO
Doesn't look like roleplay to me...and
you're involved, Silva. Oh my God.
SILVA
It's not your business, Caruso."

You can cut that out.  The audience can figure out that Caruso has figured it out with good acting.

I don't mind the shot in the leg, even though it's not realistic, as someone else mentioned... We're using movie rules and movie rules state that the good guy doesn't kill unless absolutely necessary.  The only thing I would change in that scene, is I would have Jared without a gun and possibly charging at Caruso, thinking he won't shoot.  If they both had their guns drawn and pointed at each other, it would take too long to re-aim from his head to his leg, and Jared would get the shot off first.

Last thing, I would cut the last two lines of dialogue and just have them drive away in silence. (personal preference though)

Overall, I think this would great as a scene from a movie that you (or someone) could film in order to get a full length movie made.  Compelling, just needs polished.

Keep up the good work!

Quoted from muttonman A few quick notes... The line where she mentions his meds, cut that out completely.  I know someone suggest re working it, but I don't think you need it at all.  It almost makes an excuse for Jared, and he doesn't need one.  If you are trying to make him a sympathetic bad guy, there are other ways to do it. "He's so close she can smell the mint from his toothpaste."  You can't film that, so just say how close he is to her, i.e. he is so close, their faces practically touch, or something like that. "CARUSO Doesn't look like roleplay to me...and you're involved, Silva. Oh my God. SILVA It's not your business, Caruso." You can cut that out.  The audience can figure out that Caruso has figured it out with good acting. I don't mind the shot in the leg, even though it's not realistic, as someone else mentioned... We're using movie rules and movie rules state that the good guy doesn't kill unless absolutely necessary.  The only thing I would change in that scene, is I would have Jared without a gun and possibly charging at Caruso, thinking he won't shoot.  If they both had their guns drawn and pointed at each other, it would take too long to re-aim from his head to his leg, and Jared would get the shot off first. Last thing, I would cut the last two lines of dialogue and just have them drive away in silence. (personal preference though) Overall, I think this would great as a scene from a movie that you (or someone) could film in order to get a full length movie made.  Compelling, just needs polished. Keep up the good work!

Hi Muttonman, sorry it took so long to reply.

First of all, thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment. I am learning what can't be filmed-excellent point about the toothpaste part. And I agree with what can be cut. I just need what tells the story, not the extras and I am learning that screenwriting has to be concise and to show not tell.

Everyone that commented has helped so much and I am in the middle of changing it to what I think will be a much better, more realistic story/script. This was the very first script I wrote  and it's funny how much I have learned already and how I can make it much, much better thanks to others' feedback.

I am working on a third short script, then maybe I will move on to a feature length one! I want to rewrite my first two though as I think they can be better.

You all are really cool in how you suggest things. I also was scared to death of putting my work out there, but it has to get out there sometime!

Thank you all again and I am doing my part of being a member here, and I will be reading and posting on others' work.

I am overwhelmed at the moment, but it's a happy overwhelming feeling. You guys are all awesome and there is so much talent here! I was just reading a few scripts today but there are hundreds to read. I would love to lock myself in a room and read for a week.   Lol.

I am picturing it as just the one rookie cop out on the call, not needing the other character. Anyway, writing is rewriting, but I will post another version soon.

Thanks for listening. And thank you all for being so welcoming to a newbie! I hope down the road I can give good feedback to others as I learn more. I may stick to being encouraging for my feedback, as I am not sure how much I have to offer in the way of critiques until I am more experienced.

Hope this post makes sense, I am half asleep.