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INT. MODEST LOFT - STORMY NIGHT We see a loft with little furniture. There’s a living area and a kitchen area. Atop a short table we see an empty whisky bottle, one glass half full and an ashtray with cigarette butts. On the same table is a sound recording island with an interface, a condenser microphone, earphones and a laptop computer. There are posters of rock stars scattered on the walls.
Get rid of the "we sees" (two of them in the opening). Also - not sure about Stormy Night since this is an interior shot (it's not stormy inside).
Instead - something like:
INT. MODEST LOFT - NIGHT
Sparsely furnished and small. The living area and a kitchen area in one room.
An empty whisky bottle, a glass half full and an ashtray with cigarette butts rest on top of a table next to....
The point being - just describe and eliminate the "we sees"
R, I really enjoyed your screenplay. Talk about "Pathos".
When I first viewed Ivan's opening "song monologue", I said "oh no". But after reading, twice, I wished I could have heard the music. Artfully done. Long dialogue is a risk, but I thought it "played" well here.
The Ivan - Cassie dialogue, throughout, was entertaining and moved along nicely; supported your theme well. Particularly, enjoyed Cassie imitating Phil.
I felt all the angry humor was fitting. Sad but fitting.
I hated that their relationship was spiraling downward; failing; Good job, again.
Also thought you nicely massaged what could have been a very predictable ending.
One small thing: pg 14. "Cassie grabs the "arm" of the guitar and holds the strings.' I'm pretty sure she grabbed the "neck" of the guitar. There could be a "vibrato arm" but not all guitars have a vibrato and it wouldn't work here. You really need to change that.
Great stuff! Once again, would have loved to have heard Ivan stinging it out.
Oh, is Mark Moon a real Rocker or are they your lyrics?