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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  My Favorite Composer
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  Author    My Favorite Composer  (currently 222 views)
SimplyScripts
Posted: November 26th, 2016, 9:03am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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My Favorite Composer by Rodrigo Baumgartner Ayres - Short, Drama - Ivan 'The Composer' faces a creative crises and puts in jeopardy both his personal and professional live. 23 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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eldave1
Posted: November 26th, 2016, 11:46am Report to Moderator
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Rodrigo:


Quoted Text
INT. MODEST LOFT - STORMY NIGHT
We see a loft with little furniture. There’s a living area
and a kitchen area. Atop a short table we see an empty whisky
bottle, one glass half full and an ashtray with cigarette
butts. On the same table is a sound recording island with an
interface, a condenser microphone, earphones and a laptop
computer. There are posters of rock stars scattered on the
walls.


Get rid of the "we sees" (two of them in the opening). Also - not sure about Stormy Night since this is an interior shot (it's not stormy inside).

Instead - something like:

INT. MODEST LOFT - NIGHT

Sparsely furnished and small. The living area
and a kitchen area in one room.

An empty whisky bottle, a glass half full and an ashtray with cigarette
butts rest on top of a table next to....

The point being - just describe and eliminate the "we sees"



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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JakeJon
Posted: December 2nd, 2016, 11:18am Report to Moderator
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R,
I really enjoyed your screenplay.  Talk about  "Pathos".
  
When I first viewed Ivan's opening "song monologue", I said "oh no".  But after reading, twice, I wished I could have heard the music.  Artfully done.  Long dialogue is a risk, but I thought it "played" well here.  

The Ivan - Cassie dialogue, throughout, was entertaining and moved along nicely; supported your theme well.  Particularly, enjoyed Cassie imitating Phil.

I felt all the angry humor was fitting.  Sad but fitting.

I hated that their relationship was spiraling downward; failing; Good job, again.

Also thought you nicely massaged what could have been a very predictable ending.

One small thing: pg 14. "Cassie grabs the "arm"  of the guitar and holds the strings.'   I'm pretty sure she grabbed the "neck" of the guitar.  There could be a "vibrato arm" but not all guitars have a vibrato and it wouldn't work here.  You really need to change that.

Great stuff!
Once again, would have loved to have heard Ivan stinging it out.

JJ

Oh, is Mark Moon a real Rocker or are they your lyrics?

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
JakeJon  -  December 3rd, 2016, 12:08am
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RichardR
Posted: December 5th, 2016, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

I'm not a fan of long blocks of dialogue, especially song lyrics, but that's me.

The dialogue is often good and sharp, but it becomes redundant.  I think you can cut this one in half and still get your story across.

As the others comment, drop the 'we see' constructions.  Just describe what the audience will see.  Clean and simple.

Best
Richard
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muttonman
Posted: December 5th, 2016, 7:46pm Report to Moderator
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Some notes:
1) I'm really iffy about the opening song/monologue.  If you're directing it, that's fine, but if you're trying to sell it, it might turn some people off.

2)The ages of the characters shouldn't be in the script.  If it's important that they are a specific age, have a character mention it. Otherwise, just put "late thirties" or whatever.

3) If Cassie got them dinner and went grocery shopping, why is she surprised that Ivan didn't get groceries?

4) "To him the kiss feels lifeless".  How would you show this on screen?  It should read "He passively kisses her" or something like that.

5) " I am front man".  Grammatical error, should be "I'm a front man".  There were some other grammar issues similar to this one.  slows the reading down.

6) When Cassie says "which is thirty six", it sounds REALLY expostional. I would cut it out.

I got to page 10, but overall, I like the dialogue and I will finish reading it later.  I think with some tightening up and polishing, you could have a good script on your hands
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Director Ayres
Posted: January 11th, 2017, 2:58pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the feedback everyone. I ll be working on improving the script.
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