Second Chance by Richard Russell - Short, Drama - When a son misses the chance to say goodbye to his father, his wife tries to find a way. 6 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Richard - solid writing for the most part - no quibbles or nits from my view.

I did think that the Frisbee video became tedious. Since the wife had a treasure trove of other ones I would replace some of the Frisbee Videos with other ones.

The Mannequin was a bit much for me - I thought it diminished the impact. For Charlie to find relief here he has to suspend disbelief - has to believe that the voice is really his Dad's. Just seemed that talking to a mannequin (i.e., as opposed to something like an interactive computer program) would hamper rather than help that suspension. Not sure I am being clear and it might just be me.

Anyway - I liked the theme of the story and thought it was well constructed.  

Honest critique here, but I felt that the ending was a bit of a cop out.  He's struggling with the fact that he didn't get to say goodbye to his dad before he died, but all of a sudden, talking to a robot is going to give him closure?  I don't buy it... He would get equal closure talking to a headstone.

Suggestion, if I may.  Since you're in sci-fi land anyway, why not play the story out a bit longer?  first, maybe explain that they were somehow able to upload his fathers consciousness into a computer before he died, as opposed to an elaborate algorithm.  However, the son rejects the robot.  Then a series of circumstances forces the son to complete a task with the robot (perhaps via a road trip) and along the way, he accepts that, even though this isn't is father, it does allow him to finally say goodbye to him.  The fact that he so quickly accepts this robot is a bit unreal to me and kinda lessens the emotional impact.

Just a suggestion, you can do with it what you'd like.

Overall though, good structure, and good writing.  Keep up the good work!

Gents,

Thanks for the read and the comments.  I was looking for a 'feel good' script, and I guess I sorta missed the mark.  I agree that revamping to use modern technology i s probably the way to go.

Best
Richard

More than welcome - best of luck

R,
Felt like you were going for extra thick syrup for the pancakes and the neck of the bottle got clogged.

Keep shaking.

JJ

Richard, as usual well scripted. However, I would try to make it more emotional, more real (if it's possible with a computer/robot). In essence, the relationship between Charlie and the machine, should be more human.
My best to you.
Fausto

Hi Richard,

Great writing and structure, just needs more tearjerker depth, and more of a lead up to the mannequin.