Terminal Game by Fausto Lucignani - Short, Drama - An unemployed man attempts to ensure  his financial future by relying on his luck in an online casino. 4 pages

productionThis is the dramatic story of Hubert who, after losing his job at the age of 60 due to downsizing, tries to avoid the prospect of an impoverished life by betting one hundred dollars on a game in an online casino.  - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Technically speaking, I don't have a lot of problems with this.  You obviously know the rules and standards on how to write a script.

I only really have one nit to pick, and that's at the end.  Perhaps we need to see what he is doing on the computer screen.  I had to double check and make sure I didn't miss anything when he said his final words.  In the log line on this board, you tell us that he's gambling online as a way to ensure his financial future, but very little in the script tells us that. I just saw it as a degenerate gambler doing what he always does.  Perhaps have him talking to himself or someone else as he's gambling.

If I may critique the story, however.  I don't think 3 pages is enough for this story.  Why do we care about this guy?  He's fat and gambles too much, and both things tell us that he doesn't take care of himself.  And if he doesn't care about himself, why should we?  There isn't any emotional connection to the character.

Truth be told, this isn't really a story at all, but more of a glimpse into the life (and unfortunate end) of just some guy.

Some notes.

This one reminds me of a Twilight Zone episode.  Here's a guy on the down escalator, and just when he hits the jackpot, he keels over.  And it can work.  You might think about expanding this story.  

1.  Show this fat guy loading his desk into the box, under the watchful eye of security.
In the lobby of his building, he pulls out some cards from his mailbox.
2.  Show the notice on his door--rent past due.  If you want to have the door locked, that would work.  Let him climb the fire escape, his chest killing him.  Climbing in the window that never did lock.  
3.  When he unlocks the door to get his box, it's been raided, all his stuff thrown out and his one good thing stolen.
4.  He lies to his daughter about why he didn't answer the phone at work.  It's his birthday. He took the day off.  She tells him she's moving to India and won't be talking him after this.
5.  He lies to the woman on the phone about his job.  Like he lies to himself.  She tells him she's found someone else, someone who doesn't gamble, someone who takes care of himself.
6.  He tries to gamble and tries card after card, and they're all tapped out.
7.  he goes to the bathroom and retrieves all his meds, lining them up for perhaps the last way out.
8.  In the fridge is as lonely beer.  Good enough.  It's the worst birthday ever.
9.  He opens the two cards he received.  In one, he finds a VISA gift card -- 50 bucks.
10.  He uses the gift card to open his gambling app.  Hooray, it works.

And you know the ending.  If you're going to take a guy down, take him really down.  Then, pay dirt, but only for a moment.  He dies a winner?

Best
Richard

Hey Fausto, I think you're having a bit of trouble avoiding OTN dialogue. I've found it useful to approach each scene by thinking about what exactly you want to say/reveal, then try and go about it without ever actually saying any of it.

I'll give you an example of a scene from Gladiator. This is near the beginning, after Commodus tells Maximus he wants him to be the next Caesar instead of Joaquin Phoenix's character. Then Commodus' daughter confronts Maximus...

First, I'm going to write out an OTN version where I say exactly the things I'm trying to get out of the scene. Then compare that with how a pro does it. So here's my version, which is what not to do:

Quoted Text LUCILLA What did my father say? MAXIMUS I don't know. LUCILLA We have a history together so I know when you're lying. MAXIMUS Well, I don't lie all the time like you. LUCILLA My position requires that I tell lies. (then) Am I bothering you? MAXIMUS No. I'm just tired from battle. LUCILLA I know you care about my father. If my father makes my brother Caesar will you support him? MAXIMUS No, cuz he's a creepy psychopath.

Now, look at how a pro writer does it:

Quoted Text LUCILLA What does my father intend? MAXIMUS I don't know. LUCILLA You're lying. I could tell when you were lying even when we were children. You hate it. **A subtle way of saying they have a long history together. MAXIMUS I never acquired your comfort with it. **See how much better this is? He's calling her out that she's a practiced liar without actually saying that. LUCILLA True.  But then you never had to. Maximus, stop...      (he stops again) ... Is it really so terrible seeing me again? **Now she's countering by saying he had a simple soldier's life so he never had to deal with political subterfuge. But she doesn't actually say that, she says something quick and subtle that carries a lot of hidden meaning. MAXIMUS No.  I'm sorry.  I'm tired from the battle. LUCILLA And you are hurt to see my father dying. A beat. LUCILLA He will announce Commodus' succession.  That's why he summoned us.  Will you serve my brother as you served his father? MAXIMUS I will always serve the ideals of Rome. **Another words, hell no, your brother is a creepy freak and I don't like him and I'm going to give power back to the Senate as your father wanted. But he doesn't say any of that. Just one cryptic phrase which carries extra meaning for us.

There's actually more to unpack just from that one scene but those are the main things he does differently.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Looking at your script, I think the main things you're trying to get out the scene are:
-Your main character got fired.
-He's broke.
-He has health problems.
-He gambles.

The problem is you have your characters explicitly stating these things:

MAN
...At 9 this morning they gave me 30
minutes to leave the building...after
37 years with the company.

WOMAN (V.O.)
This is the way they lay-off people
nowadays...

WOMAN (V.O.)
Do you have savings?

MAN
No, I have a couple of hundred
dollars left in one card, I maxed-out
all the others.

WOMAN (V.O.)
You still gamble online?

MAN
Yeah...

MAN
Isn't easy at my age...and lately,
I'm not feeling too well.


So, here is my lame, non-pro attempt to do what that writer from Gladiator did:

MAN
Thirty-seven years in that shit-stain
cubicle, they ain't got no right. I've
half a mind to get me a
class action.

WOMAN
Why, so you can burn that at the
tracks too?

MAN
It ain't easy being content like you.
Sometimes I gotta live. I live my life.

WOMAN
Yeah, and for how much longer?

The man lets out a hacking cough.

WOMAN
Look, I've got a bit saved away, just
for your medical bills--

MAN
Don't even think it.

WOMAN
What will you do then?

MAN
What I always do, keep rolling
the dice.


**So no one ever actually utters anything specifically about getting fired, having gambling problems, having health issues, or being broke. But it's pretty obvious all those things are in play here.

MarkItZero,
-Your main character got fired.
-He's broke.
-He has health problems.
-He gambles. This is exactly what the premise of the script. You're a real pro. From your explanation, I see perfectly what I did wrong.  OTN dialogue is my cross...I'll rewrite the script following your suggestions. I thank you for the time you have spent helping me!
All my best,
Fausto

MM & RR,
thank you very much for your reviews. I wanted to keep the script short with the idea of developing the story later on. Before that, however, I have to fix a few problems. I have great ideas for stories but I have to work on dialogue. A technique not too easy to master.
Thanks again for your help. I deeply appreciate it.
My best,
Fausto

Some notes.

A couple of things I like to remember when writing dialogue.  

When something is difficult to say, people tend to talk around it.  He's not a drunk, he has an illness.  Mom's not a junkie, she  has 'issues'.

All people lie.  Not all the time, not even a lot, but sometimes the lie fits better than the truth, especially when they talk about themselves.  

Good dialogue is often a question answered with a question.
Is that your car?
Why do you want to know?

Often, with good dialogue, you can dispense with the character names and still know who says what.  The voices are that distinct.  

Last.  Let the characters speak.  It's what they will say in this situation--not what you want them to say.

Best
Richard

Richard,
thank you very much for your tips. Many times I fall into the trap of writing exactly what they mean at that moment..."I'm hungry" instead of "I'm going out to the bakery"....
I need to learn this skill.
My best and thanks again.
Fausto

Fausto:

Nice title.

I pretty much agree with the comments from the other posters. so I won't rehash that.

In terms of the conversation with the woman over the phone. I would move it. My suggestion is to have her in the office when the dude is packing his stuff in the box. Just her looking at him would help with some of the OTN dialogue. e.g., she won't need to talk about his wait when she addresses his blood pressure. You can have an action where she looks at his belly nearly popping out his dress shirt buttons - "High blood pressure?". Long winded way of saying - to me - anytime you can have the character in the room rather than over the phone it will help smooth out the dialogue because it allows you to show your character seeing things and reacting to them rather than just talking about them.  

Eldave 1,
thank you very much for your help. I'll rewrite the script following all the suggestions I received so far. To explain why a wrote a 3-page script, the reason is that I wanted to present a 1-2-3 quick story...with the character in a  crisis and his demise at the moment in which he had found a solution to his problems.
Thanks again.
My best,
Fausto

Look forward to the next draft

Hi Fausto,

Unfortunately I have just watched Waking Ned Devine, so the ending didnt come as a surprise. The story fell flat. From what im learning these short shorts have to have an impacting orginal twist for them to work.

Just keep at it...

Hi Kristen,
thank you very much for reading my script. I agree with you, a extra short needs a powerful twist to work...I will work on this. In my mind, to die at the moment he was winning was the twist.
Best regards,
Fausto