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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Christmas Dinner
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Don
Posted: January 20th, 2017, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Christmas Dinner by Richard Russell - Short, Drama - A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who leads him to a much needed Christmas Dinner. 7 apges - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Kirsten
Posted: January 22nd, 2017, 8:58pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Giving up is not an option....

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Hi Richard, great writing, great dialogue...easy to follow, cool story....


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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Fausto
Posted: January 23rd, 2017, 11:05am Report to Moderator
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Hi Richard,
excellent story! Excellent dialogue! I wish you the best with it.
Fausto
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SAC
Posted: January 26th, 2017, 10:36pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Fantastic story, Richard! I loved this. It'll take some doing to get this made but it'd be worth it, I feel. You really capture a mood here - not so much the Christmas spirit, but a sense of belonging that can only be brought about by lonelinness. And the Christmas angle only serves to make it that much more powerful, more touching. Excellent job here!

Steve


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jayrex
Posted: January 27th, 2017, 6:30am Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Nice story Richard, heartwarming.

All the best,

JT


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LC
Posted: January 27th, 2017, 6:53am Report to Moderator
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Been a while, Jayrex...
Welcome back.


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Steven
Posted: February 2nd, 2017, 10:11am Report to Moderator
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Damn, that was good.

The dialogue between Roy and the waitress seems like someone who has actually spent time in these small diners in the middle of nowhere.

My ONLY critique, which is super minor, would be that Roy doesn't actually say "Damn fool forgot his bag."

Instead, write an action line where he notices the bag still on the seat. I've always had this thing about characters talking to themselves while no one else is around, ONLY to provide some exposition to the audience.

If he trips on the way out of the truck, and says "shit," well that's acceptable. But if he says "I'll gotta watch my footing," that's wrong.

But yea, really dug it.
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RichardR
Posted: February 4th, 2017, 11:06am Report to Moderator
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All,

I'm glad you enjoyed the story.  This one came about because my sister said I never write a happy story.  It was kind of a challenge.  So, I guess it works.  My sister thanks you.

Best
Richard
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