Bloodlust by Josh Park - Short, Drama - A couple of vampires, quarantined in a remote ranch and shunned from society, try to live their lives as best as they can.  13 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Josh,

The writing was good, was an easy read, a couple of spelling errors. The story is good, but because of a few things i'm going to mention it fell flat for me.

I like the idea of the vampires being captured, and made to feel like it will be okay and the harrassment by the teenagers. But the characters weren't developed enough, whatever was happening to them dramatically didn't effect me like it should.  The use of the character names 'Boy, Girl' didn't help with character development and became very grating. It made them seem unimportant. Plus not showing us at the beginning what they look like added to that sterile feeling.

I did see a comment made by someone on SS about not bothering with a description of the characters because once its in production anyone can play the part, doesn't matter what they look like... absolutely, but I've noticed personally as a reader of the spec, i want to see the people, I want to know what they look like, it adds more to the story, their personality, ... especially if the story is character driven like this.


*SPOILER*

I felt too that there needed to be more obvious romantic action at the beginning, so we know right from the start this is a couple in love. So at the end when she has to put him out of his misery we really feel for her. We need to feel their strong love at the beginning, so we can feel her strong pain at the end...  i.e when she is in the bathroom he has his arms around her, gives her a kiss he says something incredibly deep about his love for her....along those lines....

Speaking of that scene --- "GIRL (20's) stares in the mirror. With her pointer finger, she rubs her FANGS, studying them intently." ----- I liked the imagery and the fact that she can see herself. Nice work...

I liked the dialogue between them, most of it felt real.

The 'man on tape' dialogue seemed repetitive at the beginning. The use of 'please keep in mind' is in the first 2 parts of dialogue, maybe use that once. In the 2nd and 3rd he mentions their risk to society twice. -----'It is also protection for the general population.' and 'We need separation because you do pose an inherent danger to the rest of the population.'

The rest of the man on tape dialogue was spot on,  the couch potato remark was cute.

Overall this story has a good premise with good writing that just needs work on getting the reader to really feel for these guys and their situation.

Keep with it!

Thank you so much! Yeah I deefinitely feel the clunkiness coming off the page for a lot of it, but wasn't sure how to fix it. I think a lot more showing instead of telling is going to help relieve that.

Some notes.

This one began with a lot of promise.  Two vampires are trapped on the farm where they are slowly starved.  Then, the story goes ordinary with a bonfire that seems to serve little purpose.  And then come the customary mean neighbor kids.  But the ending works to save the story and almost succeeds.  

I think you might put some more thought into this one.  Drop the teacher voice over.  Let the audience wonder about the details.  All you need to show is these two trapped in place.  Then, I think you might consider just what makes sense for these two.  Poaching?  Going out at night and trapping small animals?  Make them real.  Also, you might consider giving them a real end date.  It's next week, babe, next week.  Look at the calendar.  Next week.  But it's always next week.  I think it's easier to keep someone in place if they're given a definitive date rather than something undefined.

Best
Richard

From Josh,

Hey, just wanted to let you know that my short drama "Bloodlust" was optioned a while ago, but I recently got an email from someone who was also interested, so I thought I should update the status. Thanks!

Great way to start the year!  Please let us know how it goes.

- Don

Congrats!

thanks!!

Congratulations!,

Congrats - well done

Awesome news!

Thats great Josh! Congrats!

Congrats!!