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This is the short I'm writing for the Jameson Comp, so it's cap is 7 pages. That being said...
I agree there's not a lot of WHY here. I need to find common ground with why she doesn't particularly want a dog. And Duke is obviously not a therapy dog, rather was meant to be a shadow of Jill herself. Not looking to pile on the syrup, so to speak. Even though I got a little weepy writing this near the end. Still, it does need more to make it feel complete.
And re your "shorts" - they're few and far between really, as I was encouraged by the reception Ready Or Not got, but they're usually better when fleshed out some. This one still has two pages to play wth s maybe I can pull a rabbit out of my hat.
James,
Thanks for reading. The mystery aspect was a misdirection, as some may have guessed Taylor might have been pushing for a child, but in reality he was pushing for a dog. It's as simple as that really, I just need to convey it as such.
Steve, I've not read the other comments but this is what I thought...
The writing overall is great, no complaints there, but the ending felt a bit abrupt.
I wasn't sure what Jill was building herself up for. I was thinking counselling at first but the community center scene put that to bed. I maybe should have guessed by the title but I didn't lol.
It's a nice story but I when it ended I thought...oh, is that it, I was expecting a bit more. I don't know what more I was expecting though lol.
Good script though. Well written.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
Steven, I enjoyed your script...unfortunately, this is a dramatic reality ...too many veterans are coming back from Afghanistan, Iraq and now Syria with mental and physical problems. I believe that a dog gives the veteran a deep sense of friendship, a feeling that he/she doesn't get from humans. Good job!
I really enjoyed this read. Cleanly, crisply written. I really liked the efficiency with which you handled the actions and the dialogue. Personally I always assumed Taylor was male. Oddly, taking a second look, I don't know why I made that assumption. Taylor says that Jill has been back for three months. I assumed, quite easily, that she was a wounded vet back from a deployment. The therapy session confirmed that for me. What's gnawing at me a bit is just why Jill is reluctant to meet/adopt a dog. It's not clear to me. Possibly she worked with a dog in her deployment. Still, really good stuff.
Have been giving the Jameson Alumni a look over. Some nice short films.
Real draw card with Dominic West. I'm a bit of a fan.
From what I gather, if you get in you're filmmaker in collaboration as well.
Definitely interested in looking at another draft when you're done, and the final line you're thinking of using.
Edit: But now one point of concern - your protag is female and this comp is meant as a vehicle for a male protag, Dominic West, so... Am I missing something?
With all the great feedback you've received, there's not really much to add here. Nicely told drama, as always. I agree that the dog thing needs some backstory. What if Jill had developed a bond with a military dog which was killed during the incident that caused her own injury? Just an idea. Or what if that dog was actually Duke - seriously injured, but still alive? The reunion scene would be a real tearjerker.
Anyway, I'm sure you can come up with your own solutions. Best of luck!