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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Duke
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  Author    Duke  (currently 2192 views)
SAC
Posted: April 14th, 2017, 8:56am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Libby,

This is the short I'm writing for the Jameson Comp, so it's cap is 7 pages. That being said...

I agree there's not a lot of WHY here. I need to find common ground with why she doesn't particularly want a dog. And Duke is obviously not a therapy dog, rather was meant to be a shadow of Jill herself.  Not looking to pile on the syrup, so to speak. Even though I got a little weepy writing this near the end. Still, it does need more to make it feel complete.

And re your "shorts" - they're few and far between really, as I was encouraged by the reception Ready Or Not got, but they're usually better when fleshed out some. This one still has two pages to play wth s maybe I can pull a rabbit out of my hat.

James,

Thanks for reading. The mystery aspect was a misdirection, as some may have guessed Taylor might have been pushing for a child, but in reality he was pushing for a dog. It's as simple as that really, I just need to convey it as such.

Steve


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alffy
Posted: April 14th, 2017, 9:35am Report to Moderator
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Steve, I've not read the other comments but this is what I thought...

The writing overall is great, no complaints there, but the ending felt a bit abrupt.

I wasn't sure what Jill was building herself up for.  I was thinking counselling at first but the community center scene put that to bed. I maybe should have guessed by the title but I didn't lol.

It's a nice story but I when it ended I thought...oh, is that it, I was expecting a bit more. I don't know what more I was expecting though lol.

Good script though.  Well written.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Fausto
Posted: April 14th, 2017, 2:42pm Report to Moderator
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Steven,
I enjoyed your script...unfortunately, this is a dramatic reality ...too many veterans are coming back from Afghanistan, Iraq and now Syria with mental and physical problems. I believe that a dog gives the veteran a deep sense of friendship, a feeling that he/she doesn't get from humans. Good job!
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Wes
Posted: April 14th, 2017, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Steve,

I really enjoyed this read. Cleanly, crisply written. I really liked the efficiency with which you handled the actions and the dialogue.
Personally I always assumed Taylor was male. Oddly, taking a second look, I don't know why I made that assumption.
Taylor says that Jill has been back for three months. I assumed, quite easily, that she was a wounded vet back from a deployment. The therapy session confirmed that for me.
What's gnawing at me a bit is just why Jill is reluctant to meet/adopt a dog. It's not clear to me. Possibly she worked with a dog in her deployment.
Still, really good stuff.


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SAC
Posted: April 15th, 2017, 10:07pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Steve,
Thanks for reading. Yeah, it is a bit abrupt. Trying to think of something to tie it all in a little better.

Anthony, Thanks man. Like I told Steve, working on everything you mentioned.

Fausto, thanks for the read. You're right. Dogs are a great source of comfort - veterans, children, the elderly. Glad you liked the story!

Wes, Thanks for the read and glad you liked it. Jill's reluctance is a good question. I'm looking for the answer!

Steve


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LC
Posted: April 15th, 2017, 11:33pm Report to Moderator
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Rightio Steve, now I get it.

Have been giving the Jameson Alumni a look over. Some nice short films.

Real draw card with Dominic West. I'm a bit of a fan.

From what I gather, if you get in you're filmmaker in collaboration as well.

Definitely interested in looking at another draft when you're done, and the final line you're thinking of using.

Edit: But now one point of concern - your protag is female and this comp is meant as a vehicle for a male protag, Dominic West, so... Am I missing something?



Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  April 16th, 2017, 10:47pm
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Athenian
Posted: April 17th, 2017, 1:49am Report to Moderator
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Hey Steve,

With all the great feedback you've received, there's not really much to add here. Nicely told drama, as always. I agree that the dog thing needs some backstory. What if Jill had developed a bond with a military dog which was killed during the incident that caused her own injury? Just an idea. Or what if that dog was actually Duke - seriously injured, but still alive? The reunion scene would be a real tearjerker.

Anyway, I'm sure you can come up with your own solutions. Best of luck!

Manolis
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