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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Awaken
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  Author    Awaken  (currently 355 views)
SimplyScripts
Posted: May 13th, 2017, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Awaken by Roy E. - Short, Drama - A boy struggles with being raised by a drug addict. 12 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
SimplyScripts  -  May 18th, 2017, 10:47am
revised draft
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LuisAnthony
Posted: May 14th, 2017, 12:43pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one quite a bit.

The writing is very good.

You did a great job building the intensity of the short, it was a strong crescendo until the final blow.

The characters were also good, you did a fair job establishing their personalities with their actions.

The ending is bitter, not sure how to feel about it personally, but it works for the story you´re trying to convey.

Good job! Best of Luck!
Luis
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Roy
Posted: May 14th, 2017, 5:53pm Report to Moderator
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I appreciate the comments, Luis. I was kind of expecting a bludgeoning, so this response was refreshing. I'm still learning all the formatting/phrasing rules.  I found a few formatting errors after the submission, of course!  

Let me know if there is something I can give you a return read on. Again, your time was much appreciated!
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eldave1
Posted: May 14th, 2017, 7:58pm Report to Moderator
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Parts of this were superb. It is a very poignant story.

SPOILERS


Quoted Text
MARIE
I brought you into this world...
She lifts the belt high. He covers up.
JACOB
Please..dont--
WHACK.
MARIE(CONT’D)
and I can take you out!


A hiccup for me - This dialogue has been so many times in films. Everything was great to this point. Think of something on your own - original.


Quoted Text
COP
No, She didn’t hurt anyone. She was
swerving a bit so I pulled her
over. But don’t worry, we had her
checked out. Doc says she’ll be
fine in the morning. Just had a bad
reaction to her medication.
JACOB
It’s not a bad reaction, she takes
too many!
COP
(condescending)
I understand how it seems like
that, but I spoke to the Doctor
myself.


Didn't by this at all - 1. That the cop would not arrest her for driving under the influence and (2) that he would call the Doctor and the Doctor would disclose private patient information. It defies logic.


Quoted Text
MARIE MILLER(V.0.) & JACOB MILLER
What else can I do?


This should really be formatted as dual dialogue

Regardless - you have some real writing chops - it was a nice read.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Roy
Posted: May 14th, 2017, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for your input. I will try to make this a little more believable (and remove the cliche!). I'll need to look up dual dialogue, I thought I had it correctly formatted.

Thank you very much! I'll be looking out for your posts to return the read.

Revision History (1 edits)
Roy  -  May 14th, 2017, 8:46pm
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eldave1
Posted: May 15th, 2017, 10:54am Report to Moderator
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It's just dialogue side by side - something like  indicated here:

http://kb.finaldraft.com/artic.....-writer-for-the-ipad


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Miranda
Posted: May 16th, 2017, 2:34pm Report to Moderator
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I also like it.
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Roy
Posted: May 17th, 2017, 7:30am Report to Moderator
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I appreciate you taking the time to read this and comment! Thank you, Villas!
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