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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  The Offer
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Don
Posted: June 7th, 2017, 5:06pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Offer by Simon Parker - Short, Drama - An offer of one Million dollars to sleep with a wealthy businessman proves too much for two teenage girls, but there's a twist, only one of them will get the money, the other will lose their life.  10 pages - pdf, format

For production consideration - No comments required


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 11th, 2018, 12:12pm
revised draft
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eldave1
Posted: June 7th, 2017, 7:29pm Report to Moderator
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There are a lot of places where you have run on sentences. e.g., from the opening:


Quoted Text
A messy room, JULIE, 18, tall and pretty sits on the floor,
her drawers and wardrobe both open with her clothes hanging
out. Julie’s clothes thrown across the bed behind her and
left dumped on the floor all around her.


Should have a period after "room". Lots of places in the script with this issue.

You don't need to put the title on each page.

The story was an interesting premise. However, the dialogue seemed unnatural - a bit stilted to me.


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Simon
Posted: August 30th, 2017, 9:02am Report to Moderator
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Shawn seems a bit gullible, and he must be exceptionally rich. If Julie has such a healthy relationship with her mother, how come she's so hard headed? That might need explaining. Also, maybe you want to hint at her strong personality earlier on, as at first it seems like she's a normal girl. Good story, though.


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JordanB
Posted: March 11th, 2018, 11:02pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Simon,
Thanks for the read. Here are my thoughts on it...
Just a typo - "She has her phone “is” her hand – You mean - “in”.
I agree wth ELDAVE with the dialogue. Perhaps add a little humour or wit
between the girls. This in-turn will make them more natural and build on their friendship.

Also, maybe build this Phil character up via text messages before the meet. It will build tension while they're in Ben's car. These are just my thoughts. But overall, I enjoyed it.    
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