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The Offer by Simon Parker - Short, Drama - An offer of one Million dollars to sleep with a wealthy businessman proves too much for two teenage girls, but there's a twist, only one of them will get the money, the other will lose their life. 10 pages - pdf, format
For production consideration - No comments required
There are a lot of places where you have run on sentences. e.g., from the opening:
A messy room, JULIE, 18, tall and pretty sits on the floor, her drawers and wardrobe both open with her clothes hanging out. Julie’s clothes thrown across the bed behind her and left dumped on the floor all around her.
Should have a period after "room". Lots of places in the script with this issue.
You don't need to put the title on each page.
The story was an interesting premise. However, the dialogue seemed unnatural - a bit stilted to me.
Shawn seems a bit gullible, and he must be exceptionally rich. If Julie has such a healthy relationship with her mother, how come she's so hard headed? That might need explaining. Also, maybe you want to hint at her strong personality earlier on, as at first it seems like she's a normal girl. Good story, though.
Hi Simon, Thanks for the read. Here are my thoughts on it... Just a typo - "She has her phone “is” her hand – You mean - “in”. I agree wth ELDAVE with the dialogue. Perhaps add a little humour or wit between the girls. This in-turn will make them more natural and build on their friendship.
Also, maybe build this Phil character up via text messages before the meet. It will build tension while they're in Ben's car. These are just my thoughts. But overall, I enjoyed it.