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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Muffins
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Don
Posted: August 13th, 2017, 6:13pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Muffins by Wendy Memoli - Short, Drama - Tired pregnant excutive goes to a haunted mountain Bed & Breakfast and goes home with the ghost. 7 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Kirsten
Posted: August 15th, 2017, 5:47pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Giving up is not an option....

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Hi Wendy,

I really liked this story, I laughed out loud at the ending. I loved the ghost, and the setting, and the muffins and how they all seem to taste gross....It's a good story and thats always a fantastic plus. it just needs some work with the writing and story structure...which isn't a plus, but once you fix things you have a well structured and written awsome story!

I'm going to pull it apart for you and show you areas that need fixing. You can take from this what you like. I am starting out here too and can only show you what I already know.



'The sun beats down on the tar. If there was any moisture, it
evaporated weeks ago. It is so hot that all the adjectives to
describe it seem redundant. The electronic sign outside the
Queen of Heaven Cemetery (1562 E Baseline, Mesa) gives the
temperature as one hundred and seventeen degrees but it’s a
dry heat.'

Okay this is too long and descriptive.
"It is so hot that all the adjectives to describe it seem redundant." You don't need this, it's telling...
The address isn't needed, it's not important to the story. Alot of what is written here is telling or unfilmables. Show us briefly how hot it is...... can you see a water mirage in the distance when she's driving? is the grass yellow? All these things can be filmed (okay the mirage is a little tricky)
The sign shows us how hot it is, which is good but the only way for us to know it's not humid is to show the characters are not dripping in sweat.  

'RING RING, she answers her cell phone.' Maybe more professional to write 'her phone rings, she answers'.

'HONK HONK, she starts to go through the light just as a big
truck passes through the intersection almost clipping the
front fender of her car. She has been hanging on by a thread
and her tears flow uncontrollably as the thread breaks.'

Incorporate the sound of the horn in the action line not at the beginning like this.

Need to show us that she has been hanging on by a thread....i.e (I'm not at all a great writer) she slams on her breaks, sits back in her seat, screams then bursts into tears. She rests her head on the steering wheel bewteen her hands and sobs uncontrollably.  

EXT. HIGHWAY I-17 NORTH - DAY
The same vehicle with Amy behind the wheel climbs up the
hills on it’s way to the cool mountain air.

Okay you don't need the name of the Highway in the slugline. If you want the viewer to know the exact highway she is on, you need to write it in the action line... i.e... Amy's car speeds past a sign reading1-17 north. The car slowly climbs the steep road into the snow covered? mountains. Snow covered shows us it's cool up there... but only if thats logical in that area????

INT. PRESCOTT BED AND BREAKFAST - EARLY AFTERNOON  ---- keep it to day or night. if you want the director to know it's early afternoon, show it in the action line....
You don't need to add Prescott, if you want a sign shown in the film, add it in the action line.
You need to add Living Room to the slugline as that is where the next action scene takes place.

"A buffet in the hallway with coffee and muffins sits in back
of the living room where the owners are. BARBARA, a happy
round woman in her sixties is sewing a ruffle back on a
pillowcase."

This was difficult to picture, the placement of the characters were not clear......maybe something like this instead.

INT. BED AND BREAKFAST - LIVING ROOM - DAY

BARBRA, a happy round woman in her sixties sits in a lazy boy sewing a ruffle back on a pillowcase. Behind her  the door to the hallway sits open showing a buffet against the wall with coffee and muffins on it.


Okay I have to go but will finishe this in a couple of days.....


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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Kirsten
Posted: August 19th, 2017, 1:04pm Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Okay sorry bout that.......

*JIM, Barbara’s husband of forty years is looking through a ledger.*

Need to write where Jim is, is he sitting, standing?

*A guest comes down the stairs and stops at the sideboard in the background.*

Because the stairs aren't mentioned in the last description it means they aren't visible, so no need to mention him coming down the stairs.

*Amy’s car rounds the town’s square and pulls up in front of
the old historic Victorian house in its picture perfect
setting. She gets out carrying a backpack and looks at the
vandalized sign hanging by only one hook. Mother’s Morning
Muffins has been changed to Mourning and a cross has been
scratched into the paint.*

This needs to be split, normally action scenes are about 3 lines. Nice description with the sign etc....

*Amy is holding her very heavy backpack as she tries to be
very persuasive.*

Again, where is Barbara standing? Is he behind a reception counter? In front the of the counter? And that sentence uses the word 'very' twice... might have to re write that...its telling not showing us...

*She reaches into the side pocket on her backpack and pulls
out the money to hand to Barbara who reluctantly takes it.*

She reaches into the side pocket on her backpack, pulls out some money and hands it to Barbara. Barbara reluctantly takes it.

*Climbing the stairs, Amy’s exhaustion is apparent.*  show us how exhausted she is.......

*AMY (CALLING BACK)*

               AMY
       (calling back)
  Thanks

Check the margins for the (parenthetical). on the home page of SS, on the left hand side, click on 'writers resources' and the look for 'formatting'.

*Amy wakes from a sound sleep and looks at the clock radio. It
reads 11:11 and all she hears is crickets.*

It reads 11.11 am, all is quiet except for the chirping crickets.

*She carefully rolls out of bed and puts on her robe and slippers before
scuffing her way out to the bathroom.*

She carefully rolls out of bed, puts on her robe and slippers, then scuffles out of the room.
We can't see her intentions, so no need to write she's going to the bathroom.

*INT. CORNER ROOM - NIGHT

An old woman’s hand reaches out from under the dust ruffle
and places a muffin on the end table in front of the radio.
Warm steam rises from the muffin.*

No need to add slugline as the scene is still in the same room. Just carry on with the action... nice descriptions.

*INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT

As Amy makes her way to the bathroom she passes an old woman
dressed in a housecoat and apron. She carries a plate of
muffins.

AMY
They smell good.

The old woman nods hello back silently and continues on her
way down the stairs.

INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT

As Amy returns to her room she wraps herself up in her robe.
Her breath is seen in the cold air as she scurries quickly
along the wooden floors. A wispy apparition follows but has
to pass through the door as it closes.*

In this section, she walks down the hall, sees an old woman, says gidday, then is walking down the hall back to her room. We don't see her go into a bathroom at all. Yet it is mentioned that she is heading to the bathroom twice....if this was filmed we wouldn't know what she was doing except walking the halls. So what is needed, is for you to incorporate her going into the bathroom. Just going in... don't need anymore than that..

*As Amy returns to her room she wraps herself up in her robe.
Her breath is seen in the cold air as she scurries quickly
along the wooden floors.*

Try to avoid using 'as' too many times...only when neccessary...
She wraps herself up tightly in her robe and scurries along the wooden floors.  Her warm breath becomes visible as it hits the cold air.

*A wispy apparition follows but has to pass through the door as it closes.*
This needs to be clearly written.....A wispy apparition follows. Amy goes into her room and closes the door. The apparition disappears through the door after her.

*INT. DINING ROOM - MORNING

Amy is invigorated by a good night’s sleep. She helps herself
to coffee from the buffet and sits at a table.

BARBARA
And here are some of my mother’s
famous muffins.*

So you need to introduce Barbara in the scene, it's seems like she suddenly appears. Just need to write, that Barbara heads over to Amy carrying a plate of muffins.

*Barbara gives her husband a confused look as she walks behind Amy.*
Then introduce Jim.... 'Jim walks past Barbara with dishes in his hand. Barbara gives her husband a confused look as she walks behind Amy.'

So thats about it.... Hopefully you understood what I was babbling on about......I love this, if I were a director I'd film it.... you could have so much fun with this! The best advice is to first write heaps and read heaps and learn heaps and while you are pottering around doing house work or whatever listen to as many videos, podcasts you can find on screenwriting. Theres tons on You Tube.

keep at it!
Cheers Kirsten


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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Jo
Posted: August 29th, 2017, 7:47pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Wendy,

Your story is pretty entertaining; I always like a good haunted hotel (or B&B) story.  I also liked the 'small-towny' feel of the B&B. I think you did a good job of demonstrating that. Just a few things though:

1) I feel like there was too much detail in certain place. For example, the first page had too many details and it slowed down the pace of the story.

2) I didn't really understand the point of Jim and Barbara's conversation at the end. It didn't really add anything to the plot and didn't give it a bang at the end.

Best,

Jo
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