Okay sorry bout that.......
*JIM, Barbara’s husband of forty years is looking through a ledger.*
Need to write where Jim is, is he sitting, standing?
*A guest comes down the stairs and stops at the sideboard in the background.*
Because the stairs aren't mentioned in the last description it means they aren't visible, so no need to mention him coming down the stairs.
*Amy’s car rounds the town’s square and pulls up in front of
the old historic Victorian house in its picture perfect
setting. She gets out carrying a backpack and looks at the
vandalized sign hanging by only one hook. Mother’s Morning
Muffins has been changed to Mourning and a cross has been
scratched into the paint.*
This needs to be split, normally action scenes are about 3 lines. Nice description with the sign etc....
*Amy is holding her very heavy backpack as she tries to be
very persuasive.*
Again, where is Barbara standing? Is he behind a reception counter? In front the of the counter? And that sentence uses the word 'very' twice... might have to re write that...its telling not showing us...
*She reaches into the side pocket on her backpack and pulls
out the money to hand to Barbara who reluctantly takes it.*
She reaches into the side pocket on her backpack, pulls out some money and hands it to Barbara. Barbara reluctantly takes it.
*Climbing the stairs, Amy’s exhaustion is apparent.* show us how exhausted she is.......
*AMY (CALLING BACK)*
AMY
(calling back)
Thanks
Check the margins for the (parenthetical). on the home page of SS, on the left hand side, click on 'writers resources' and the look for 'formatting'.
*Amy wakes from a sound sleep and looks at the clock radio. It
reads 11:11 and all she hears is crickets.*
It reads 11.11 am, all is quiet except for the chirping crickets.
*She carefully rolls out of bed and puts on her robe and slippers before
scuffing her way out to the bathroom.*
She carefully rolls out of bed, puts on her robe and slippers, then scuffles out of the room.
We can't see her intentions, so no need to write she's going to the bathroom.
*INT. CORNER ROOM - NIGHT
An old woman’s hand reaches out from under the dust ruffle
and places a muffin on the end table in front of the radio.
Warm steam rises from the muffin.*
No need to add slugline as the scene is still in the same room. Just carry on with the action... nice descriptions.
*INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
As Amy makes her way to the bathroom she passes an old woman
dressed in a housecoat and apron. She carries a plate of
muffins.
AMY
They smell good.
The old woman nods hello back silently and continues on her
way down the stairs.
INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
As Amy returns to her room she wraps herself up in her robe.
Her breath is seen in the cold air as she scurries quickly
along the wooden floors. A wispy apparition follows but has
to pass through the door as it closes.*
In this section, she walks down the hall, sees an old woman, says gidday, then is walking down the hall back to her room. We don't see her go into a bathroom at all. Yet it is mentioned that she is heading to the bathroom twice....if this was filmed we wouldn't know what she was doing except walking the halls. So what is needed, is for you to incorporate her going into the bathroom. Just going in... don't need anymore than that..
*As Amy returns to her room she wraps herself up in her robe.
Her breath is seen in the cold air as she scurries quickly
along the wooden floors.*
Try to avoid using 'as' too many times...only when neccessary...
She wraps herself up tightly in her robe and scurries along the wooden floors. Her warm breath becomes visible as it hits the cold air.
*A wispy apparition follows but has to pass through the door as it closes.*
This needs to be clearly written.....A wispy apparition follows. Amy goes into her room and closes the door. The apparition disappears through the door after her.
*INT. DINING ROOM - MORNING
Amy is invigorated by a good night’s sleep. She helps herself
to coffee from the buffet and sits at a table.
BARBARA
And here are some of my mother’s
famous muffins.*
So you need to introduce Barbara in the scene, it's seems like she suddenly appears. Just need to write, that Barbara heads over to Amy carrying a plate of muffins.
*Barbara gives her husband a confused look as she walks behind Amy.*
Then introduce Jim.... 'Jim walks past Barbara with dishes in his hand. Barbara gives her husband a confused look as she walks behind Amy.'
So thats about it.... Hopefully you understood what I was babbling on about......I love this, if I were a director I'd film it.... you could have so much fun with this! The best advice is to first write heaps and read heaps and learn heaps and while you are pottering around doing house work or whatever listen to as many videos, podcasts you can find on screenwriting. Theres tons on You Tube.
keep at it!
Cheers Kirsten