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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Bound
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Don
Posted: September 21st, 2017, 6:45pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Bound by Kavuma Mathew G.Q - Short, Drama - Old friends meet once every month, but this time they both have a life changing decision to make 12 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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eldave1
Posted: September 22nd, 2017, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
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I like some of this.

You need to trim your descriptions a bit - write active. e.g.,


Quoted Text
, is seated at the counter, drinking his
coffee.


Better as:

sits at the counter, drinks coffee. or

Drinks coffee at the counter. Just lose the "is"s and ings


Quoted Text
A customer walks through the door and he quickly turns to
look as if expecting someone. It's not them.


Customer needs to be capped and you can lose the he - e.g.,

A CUSTOMER walks through the door, quickly turns to
look as if expecting someone.  It's not them.

Anyway - some tidying up to be done


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Kavuma
Posted: October 3rd, 2017, 10:50am Report to Moderator
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Hi,
Thanks for the tip, i'll surely try my best to avoid those "ings"
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eldave1
Posted: October 3rd, 2017, 2:24pm Report to Moderator
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No problem - glad it helped


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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MaxRuddock
Posted: October 10th, 2017, 8:50am Report to Moderator
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Hey Kavuma,

I had a read and I liked it. It's an easy read and it's likely to be something that'd get picked up on here as it's relatable, believable, and only requires a few actors and a couple of locations.

Good stuff.

Max
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Stumpzian
Posted: October 10th, 2017, 11:24am Report to Moderator
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To MaxRuddock:
I  suggest changing that ridiculous mug photo if you want anyone to take your advice and judgment seriously.



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MaxRuddock
Posted: October 12th, 2017, 6:40am Report to Moderator
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Good point Stumpzian!

Hey Kavuma, ignore what I wrote. I'm a fool for ever using a playful avatar thingy.

My deepest apologies.
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Kavuma
Posted: October 12th, 2017, 9:56am Report to Moderator
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haha, i don't think the avatar has anything to do with it, thanks for the read Max.
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Jo
Posted: October 25th, 2017, 9:38pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Kavuma,

This was a pleasant read and the characters are charismatic enough. Their chemistry is believable.

I think you could drop a lot of the words ending in -ing and maybe cut down on some of the unnecessary dialogue (ex. How's work?...Same old...)

Other than that I think it's pretty good.

Nice job!
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Kavuma
Posted: October 28th, 2017, 10:30am Report to Moderator
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hey Jo, thanks for the read! and yes that "ings"was made abundantly clear and am going to do my best to avoid it.
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