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Noticed during a quick read that you referenced one bullet remaining, but I think there were two shots after that (at Ivan when he was in the car, and again at Ivan minutes later). I didn't double-check that, so if I'm wrong...nevermind.
Tyler had one bullet left in his gun. That was the shot that hit Ivan in the car. The kill shot to Ivan was a bullet from his own gun that Tyler picked up after the crash.
It felt very atmospheric, sense of darkness and melancholy contrasted with the little girl's voice. Like to see Tyler's expressions described more, but that's just me. We can guess that the girls got her cuts and bruises from Ivan without saying it, but maybe I'm nitpicking a short. Nice compact story with thriller archetypes that are interesting.
Thank you for the read and the feedback. It is greatly appreciated.
In reference to the cuts and bruises from the years of disobeying Ivan, I took that out from my rewrite. Thank you for reiterating that fact it is not necessary to have it.
Again, thank you for your kind words and helpful critique.
By the way did you bold the slug lines or was it your software that was doing it? I've seen a few scripts here like that and have no idea if that is standard in the industry.
Sound effects are distracting. We're over black and a little girl speaks, there is also a 'click' sound effect that I don't understand. I thought it may have been a light switch being flicked on, but it's still dark.
Another sound effect with the thump. What is this one for? Is it meant to be the bullet hitting a man's forehead? Would that really make a 'thump' sound?
I can't cut n paste from your script. However, you have spelled entrance wrong on the first page.
You write that a window opens in the background, but you don't describe how it is opened. The way it is written, I assumed it was opened normally. However, there's a gun behind it, so I now have to replay it with the window being opened stealthily.
Two more THUMPS... am I to take it this is the sound of the bullets firing? It's very comic-book.
Aside from having to decipher the comic-book sound effects, I enjoyed the story. It's told well and the writing is strong. Nice work.
I don't like comic-book sound effects as I often have debates with myself over whether or not the sound effect is correct. This detracts from my reading of the story. Like the 'thump' in your script. I at first took if for the sound of the bullet hitting his forehead, but then later the same sound effect is used to replicate a bullet being fired through a silencer. Unless the sound effect is directly attributed to the object making it, it can be difficult to discern exactly what the writer means.
That's different though to comic book styled writing. I love pulp and grew up reading comic books, and I like seeing films that utilise comic book style storytelling - like Sin City, for example.
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