Daddy by Marty - Short, Drama, Action - An assassin’s last act is to prove to his daughter and wife that he is not a bad man. 7 Pages. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Marty,

Enjoyed your short .  Put me in a "Leon - The Professional" mindset; (in case you're too young  a 1994 Jean Reno/Natalie Portman feature).  Well done!   Good writing. Fluid; easy to follow.

Tyler's character was fun to move with.  Felt his grace, style and commitment to the task at hand.  
Maybe add a little more "Tyler" character description here.

Did you really need the Tyler, Ivan's son bedroom scene?  I didn't buy that Tyler would shoot a kid. (Even though, " Mommy said that you're bad").  Was his real, initial intention to shoot the kid?  He changes his mind and tucks the kid in?  A little "much"  no?  Contrived?  JMO.

And IVAN, 60,  piece of sh-t.  Missed opportunity!!!  If you asked 10 people what Ivan looked like, you'd get 10 different descriptions; I mean, lay it on me!  He's the Antag. I know it's a short but paint me a picture.

You nicely described the YOUNG GIRL, dancing.    (we see the sad eyes, tears, cuts and bruises; we don't need : . . . . .from disobeying Ivan.  We get it).

All your action lines show some real writing "savvy".
Particularly, liked:
FOUR MEN are deep into a game of poker when, The door flings open and Tyler picks them off one by one.
and
A BLADE  Flips through the air.  Twisting and turning before, landing in the neck of one man.
and
Tyler, ducking behind the bar, waits until the shots stop before landing a kill shot to one of the men.
Good stuff!

AND Now, and this is just me.
I know your "Annie  (V.O.)" story technique, hopefully added a measure of INTRIGUE and SENTIMENTALITY for some readers.  Unfortunately, not for me.  I call it a "Wizard of OZ behind the curtain trick" . Harsh perhaps. I know.
We never see Annie.  We just hear her voice interspersed throughout the action, scenes and story. Okay, INTRIGUE.  Where's this whispering voice coming from I asked?

At the end,  we discover that she's leaving a message for Tyler from mom's phone.  I was really glad an ear bud didn't fall out of Tyler's ear when he falls on the floor at the end (Oh, is he in the boiler room or the hallway?)
  
The audience hears the message from  start to finish.  Unfortunately, Tyler never hears it unless he ain't dead.  Okay SENTIMENTALITY. (lot's of log cabin syrup)    

Finally,  Tyler, "the assassin", (AND, this is the "Killer" for me  let's out one last smile before we. . .
FADE TO BLACK
(still having a tough time with that one)

Here's what I think.   Screenplay reviews are sooo  subjective.

Nicely done!! I really did enjoy it.  Stick with the assassin-hitman stuff.

JJ



  

JakeJon,

May I call you JJ?

Thank you so much for your feedback. I truly appreciate every bit of it.

You have some real valid points and points I really need to take into consideration for this story, as well as everything I write in the future.

Even though it is a short, it still does not excuse the fact of leaving the reader wanting more. Like your reference to the under described characters of Tyler and Ivan. Definitely a missed opportunity on my end.

The Tyler/Ivan's son scene was a way for me to show that in the past, Tyler would have killed him. It may have feel flat.
I was really hoping for the voice over to work but maybe the factor of it being a message was the wrong way to utilize it.
The smile at the end was probably not the right way to show a changed man. The fact that Tyler, for once, wasn't a monster and for once, relieved about it.

Also, thank you for this.
"Here's what I think.   Screenplay reviews are sooo  subjective."
That is one major area I think I will have to take to heart. I want to please everyone. Who doesn't? I would love for everyone to walk away being pleased with every scene, action, dialogue and character. But it's not realistic to think such a thing. So for that advice alone, I am so grateful. Thank you.

Again, thank you so much for taking the time to provide such constructive feedback. It's great to see other writers point of views regarding story structure, dialogue, action, characters, etc.

All the best,
Marty

Hi Marty - Awesome. I really enjoyed your writing, the flow and descriptions. Personally, I related your story more to John Wick and therefore had a mental picture of Ivan.

JakeJon had some very good points to consider. The Annie V.O. works for me. Not sure if it was your intention but I was convinced that Annie and Megan were the ones behind the door. One suggestion that might help the V.O. is to start it with either a subtle 'click' or beep like an answering machine? It may come off more as a memory? IDK.

Regardless, I loved it. I found the ending quite emotional, to be honest. Great work.

John

Marty,

May you call me JJ ?  I'm laughing.   Absolutely!   At least you didn't call me a sarcastic, cynical sh-t.

Keep writing. You're good at it.

JJ

Hey, Marty - saw all the reads you have been doing (good on ya) so thought I would check out your work.

Really just nit issues.

Quoted Text EXT. MANSION - NIGHT A RED DOT Dances upon a MAN’S forehead until, THUMP The man’s head rips backwards.

I wanted a little more here. e.g., the placement of the Man - know he's outside the mansion but don't really have a sense where - at the front door - in the middle of the lawn - driveway? Also would have liked a little on the Man - age/description.

Quoted Text From out of the darkness rushes a MAN. This is TYLER, 50s, but still moves like he’s thirty.

No we have two Man's - a bit confusing. Why not just start with Tyler. e.g.,

From out of the darkness rushes a MAN.

TYLER (50s) rushes out of the darkness...

Quoted Text In the background, a WINDOW OPENS.

We are inside the mansion - an interior window??? Oops - as I read on I see that the Guards are manning the front door - and looking out the window. That is even a bit odder - why would they be guarding the front door from inside. Maybe I'm just not getting the scene right.

I would lost the automatic character CONT'Ds - not needed any they distract.

Quoted Text Kiddie posters hug the walls. Toys line the floors. This is a boys room. A young one at that. Tyler raises his pistol. Taking aim at the sleeping boy.

Never really intro'd the Boy character correctly.  Think you are also doing too much here with the young one at that. I would just go with something like:

Kiddie posters hug the walls. Toys line the floors.

Quoted Text IVAN (CONT’D) He’s a good boy. Unlike me. Unlike you.

Didn't care for the above - seem forced.

Like I said - the above may just be style choices. Overall the read was crisp and clean. Good story, well told.

Hey Marty,

Wish I could offer more but don't really have much to add here. I enjoyed it. Your description writing is quite good. Very visual.

If I were to nitpick anything, midway pg. 3-4 runs the risk of being a bit too repetitive with most actions starting with "Tyler does this, Tyler does that"... maybe try changing up the perspective a bit more there.

Code Tyler, ducking behind the bar,

Could be...

Glass erupts along the bar as Tyler slides into cover,

Code Tyler springs on the man and they engage in hand to hand combat.

Could be...

Both men collide, the gun careens through the air.


Anyways, that's very nitpicky. May just be personal preference. Very nice work overall.

JEStaats,

I hope you don't mind me calling you John from now on.

Thank you so much for taking the time to provide me with feedback.

John Wick is awesome. If I succeed at writing half as good as Derek Kolstad, I should do just fine.

That is a great suggestion about showing or hearing an indication that this is a message left by Annie. That was what I was going for and I fear it may be confusing the way it is currently.

Again, thank you so much for the great words and feedback.

I'm truly happy that you found some enjoyment in it.

All the best,
Marty

JJ,

Thank you for the motivation. I appreciate it.

Haha. I would never call you that. That is unless you become a sarcastic, cynical sh-t. Then, I'd be inclined to do so. And please feel free to say the same, if I ever reach that status.

All the best,
Marty

eldave1,

If it is okay with you, I'd like to call you Dave from now on.

I'm always glad to give feedback. I'm a true believer that you get back what you put in.

Thank you so much for taking the time to help me by providing feedback. I greatly appreciate it.

I don't think you are nit picking at all. You're challenging me and that is awesome. You are making me look at things in a different light from a different view and prospective. That is priceless advice.

You offer up great suggestions.
I should give a better location to where the man is. And to call back to back characters, MAN, is confusing. I agree with just calling him Tyler from the get go. The guards in my mind were inside as a second layer. So I guess the location of the man in the first scene should be guarding the front door. Does that make more sense? Either way, bad on me for confusing the reader. I agree with taking out the automatic CONT'Ds if they are distracting. They are. Kiddie posters hug the walls. Toys line the floors. That probably flows better.
IVAN
He's a good boy. Unlike me. Unlike you.
Would it sound better with Ivan just saying,
IVAN
He's a good boy.
or toss the line completely?

Again, thank you so much for all of your great feedback and help with story. And please don't question your "nit picking." Anyone willing who is willing to put in the work and become a better writer knows criticism is welcomed. You're making me a better writer. So thank you.

All the best,
Marty

MarkItZero,

Thank you so much for your kind words and feedback. It's truly appreciated.

You're not nitpicking at all. Those are great suggestions that visually help drive the story. I think being overly repetitive is not a good thing. I will work on that.

Again, thank you for your time.

All the best,
Marty

Quoted Text If it is okay with you, I'd like to call you Dave from now on.

For sure.

Quoted Text Thank you so much for taking the time to help me by providing feedback. I greatly appreciate it.

My pleasure - it's great to see a newbie come and read and comment on as many scripts as you have. That is rare.

Quoted Text I should give a better location to where the man is. And to call back to back characters, MAN, is confusing. I agree with just calling him Tyler from the get go. The guards in my mind were inside as a second layer. So I guess the location of the man in the first scene should be guarding the front door. Does that make more sense?

I think it does. I couldn't imagine a scenario where they would be standing by the front door/foyer inside the house. Maybe one inside one outside. After he takes out the guy outside, he removes the door keys from his pocket, enters the house and takes out the second guy fumbling around with his smart phone or something in a chair.

IVAN

Quoted Text He's a good boy. Unlike me. Unlike you. Would it sound better with Ivan just saying, IVAN He's a good boy. or toss the line completely?

I think he is a good boy is fine as a stand alone line. However, the way I would go is:

IVAN
He's a good boy.

TYLER
Unlike you.

BANG - Tyler empties one into Ivan. Ivan's eyes roll back.

TYLER
And unlike me.

That way you still have the oomph you want from those lines - but they would be delivered in a more natural order. i.e., from Tyler.

Quoted Text Again, thank you so much for all of your great feedback and help with story. And please don't question your "nit picking." Anyone willing who is willing to put in the work and become a better writer knows criticism is welcomed. You're making me a better writer. So thank you.

You're more than welcome. Keep at it - I think you have talent.

No sweat, Marty. John it is!

Hi,

Everything I would generally pick at has already been done.

I really enjoyed it. Yes I think the writing could be tightened up a bit but overall it flows well and is a page turner.

Congrats.

All the best.

Dave,

That is a great suggestion for the first couple of scenes. Thank you for that.

And as far as,

IVAN
He's a good boy.

TYLER
Unlike you.

BANG - Tyler empties one into Ivan. Ivan's eyes roll back.

TYLER
And unlike me.

Awesome! I like the flow.

Thank you again for the pointers and feedback.

All the best,
Marty

Warren,

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my screenplay. I appreciate it.

I'll work at tightening up the overall writing. I agree there is more work to be done there.

Again, thank you.

All the best,
Marty

Marty-

Noticed during a quick read that you referenced one bullet remaining, but I think there were two shots after that (at Ivan when he was in the car, and again at Ivan minutes later). I didn't double-check that, so if I'm wrong...nevermind.

Bogey,

Thank you for the feedback.

Tyler had one bullet left in his gun. That was the shot that hit Ivan in the car. The kill shot to Ivan was a bullet from his own gun that Tyler picked up after the crash.

My apologizes if that was confusing.

I appreciate you taking a look at my screenplay.

All the best,
Marty

Quoted from Marty Dave, That is a great suggestion for the first couple of scenes. Thank you for that. And as far as, IVAN He's a good boy. TYLER Unlike you. BANG - Tyler empties one into Ivan. Ivan's eyes roll back. TYLER And unlike me. Awesome! I like the flow. Thank you again for the pointers and feedback. All the best, Marty

No problem

All,

I would like to first off thank you all once again for all of the feedback in regards to this screenplay. I appreciate every bit of it.

With the feedback I received, I have completed a quick rewrite. Reworking some of the scenes, action, dialogue and characters.

I hope you all enjoy the collaborative effort of this screenplay. I sure have.

If you get a chance to check it out, let me know your thoughts.

All the best,
Marty

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B4fAW3SdfkiKWnU3SnNsSTVZNTQ/view?usp=sharing

You seemed to incorporate many of the suggestions and it flows really slick. Nicely done.

John

John,

They were great suggestions so it only made sense to utilize them. Thanks again for all of the feedback.

All the best,
Marty

It felt very atmospheric, sense of darkness and melancholy contrasted with the little girl's voice. Like to see Tyler's expressions described more, but that's just me. We can guess that the girls got her cuts and bruises from Ivan without saying it, but maybe I'm nitpicking a short.
Nice compact story with thriller archetypes that are interesting.

HyperMatt,

Thank you for the read and the feedback. It is greatly appreciated.

In reference to the cuts and bruises from the years of disobeying Ivan, I took that out from my rewrite. Thank you for reiterating that fact it is not necessary to have it.

Again, thank you for your kind words and helpful critique.

All the best,
Marty

By the way did you bold the slug lines or was it your software that was doing it? I've seen a few scripts here like that and have no idea if that is standard in the industry.

Matthew,

I tend to bold my slug lines.

If you pull a hundred scripts, I'd be shocked if you didn't find a handful of them with bold slug lines.
Especially from newer writers.

Some hate to see them like that but for me, someone with terrible (ADHD), it helps enormously.

If I find the majority do not appreciate it, I will just remove the bold slug lines when creating a PDF.

All the best,
Marty

Sound effects are distracting. We're over black and a little girl speaks, there is also a 'click' sound effect that I don't understand. I thought it may have been a light switch being flicked on, but it's still dark.

Another sound effect with the thump. What is this one for? Is it meant to be the bullet hitting a man's forehead? Would that really make a 'thump' sound?

I can't cut n paste from your script. However, you have spelled entrance wrong on the first page.

You write that a window opens in the background, but you don't describe how it is opened. The way it is written, I assumed it was opened normally. However, there's a gun behind it, so I now have to replay it with the window being opened stealthily.

Two more THUMPS... am I to take it this is the sound of the bullets firing? It's very comic-book.

Aside from having to decipher the comic-book sound effects, I enjoyed the story. It's told well and the writing is strong. Nice work.

Dustin,

Thank for taking the time to read my script and provide me with great feedback.

I missed the misspelling of entrance, you didn't. Thank you.

I entered the click to show it was a message being left. Maybe that wasn't the best way to say or show that.
Any ideas?

The window opening in the background,
I would probably better describe it and I will do so. Great suggestion.

The THUMPS are from a silencer gun. Yes, very comic book styled indeed. I could probably better describe it instead of just typing the sound.

Again, thank you for your feedback. It is always appreciated.

P.S.
If you have hatred for comic book styled writing, you may want to skip my other script "The Message". It's like"Daddy" on steroids.

All the best,
Marty

I don't like comic-book sound effects as I often have debates with myself over whether or not the sound effect is correct. This detracts from my reading of the story. Like the 'thump' in your script. I at first took if for the sound of the bullet hitting his forehead, but then later the same sound effect is used to replicate a bullet being fired through a silencer. Unless the sound effect is directly attributed to the object making it, it can be difficult to discern exactly what the writer means.

That's different though to comic book styled writing. I love pulp and grew up reading comic books, and I like seeing films that utilise comic book style storytelling - like Sin City, for example.

Dustin,

You are correct with the difference between the sound effects and comic book styled writing. I stand corrected.

You provided me with some great, valid points to consider while I am writing. I truly appreciate all of it.

All the best,
Marty

Marty,

The motif feels familiar - hitman with a conscience - but the writing is slick and keeps it moving, I like how you handled the action.  Simple story, works well for the space with an ending that was surprisingly emotive given Annie’s only a character in V.O. - good job on that.

My only thought was Annie’s V.O. felt a bit drawn out - perhaps a touch too padded for the 7 pages it needed to run.  Maybe less is more, but a minor consideration.  A solid read.

Good luck with it.

Steve

Steve,

Thank you for the read, your kind words and feedback. Many thanks.

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I appreciate the suggestion regarding Annie's V.O.
I may try to rework a way to streamline her dialogue and then see which one I feel flows better.

Thank you again.

All the best,
Marty

Nice well don script with minimal weaknesses (most have already been mentioned). It's been years since I wrote a screenplay in German about a mafia professional assassin who gets the job of killing a young woman who witnessed a murder. When he wants to kill her, he finds out that the witness is his daughter, who turned away from him because of his job. He decides to protect his daughter against her will, who would rather have confidence in a policeman (who is a mafia informant). Both flee, and there is a showdown at the Berlin Zoo between the father and the son of the mafia boss (the murderer, whom his daughter has seen), and his daughter saves him by shooting the son of the mafia boss.

Gerlinde,

Thank you for your read, kind words and feedback.

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

All the best,
Marty

Hi Marty,

There's nothing more I can add that someone else hasn't mentioned, but I just wanted to say I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. I found your writing style elegant and it definitely made me want to know more about Tyler.

Anyway, just wanted to say good job. This was a great read and I look forward to your other stories.

Best,

Jo

Jo,

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my screenplay and for your kind words regarding it. I truly appreciate it.

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

As for wanting to know more about Tyler ...
... Hold tight.
I may have a feature or two up my sleeve.

All the best,
Marty