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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Cain and Abel, Blood and Water - In Production
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  Author    Cain and Abel, Blood and Water - In Production  (currently 338 views)
Don
Posted: November 6th, 2017, 12:18pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Cain and Abel, Blood and Water by Matthew Akisanya - Short, Drama, Action - A retelling of the Biblical story of Cain and Abel.  15 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  November 22nd, 2017, 10:55am
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HyperMatt
Posted: November 10th, 2017, 11:56am Report to Moderator
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I wrote this while reminiscing about the Biblical films of the 50s and 60s that I loved. From 'The Robe' to John Huston's 'The Bible, in the Beginning.'
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Marty
Posted: November 10th, 2017, 1:12pm Report to Moderator
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HyperMatt,

Congratulations on finishing your screenplay.

Firstly, I have to admit that this story isn't one I'd read on my own. That is nothing to do with your writing or style but just as a story in of itself.

With that in mind, I did read it. Not bad.

The action was easy to follow and straightforward for the most part.
Your dialogue was good.
I liked the cinematic visual ending.

Just a few opinions and suggestions from my end.

Character ages:
60+. 70+.
-I haven't seen too many of those instances used.
-I'd stick to good old, 60s. 70s.

Transitions:
After you faded out, you didn't fade back in.
-Probably a nitpick and I know I have seen scripts without them but just food for thought.
FADE OUT:
-You didn't fade out at the end of your screenplay. You should. Or type THE END.

Camera Directing:
CLOSE UP - BACK OF A WOMAN'S HAND.
STOKE SHOT.
-You'll probably get the old. Leave that to the director.
-Consider writing it in the way that you see it without the use of camera angles.

Dialogue:
It feel flat on a couple of spots.
Examples:
Page 3.
ADAM
Wonderful! My new creation. I think
I will call it Cyan.
-I didn't care for that line or that scene. But that might just be my prospective. See what others think.

Page 6.
CAIN (CONTÔŅĹD)
Do you really think the creator is
really going to appreciate the
stench of a defenceless young beast
that you slaughtered?
-I would take out the second use of really. Actually, I would take it out and replace it with truly. Makes it sound older. More of a period way of speaking. I'd assume.
CAIN
Do you truly think the creator is going to appreciate the
stench of a defenceless young beast
that you slaughtered?

CONT'D:
It was suggested to me once to remove the automatic use of CONT'D. I did and I agree it is easier on the eyes and less distracting. So I offer that suggestion to anyone I see using them. The choice is yours.

I hope some of these notes help.

Best of luck to you with your current and future projects.

All the best,
Marty
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HyperMatt
Posted: November 10th, 2017, 2:25pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks a lot for your detailed feedback Marty. I didn't not realise that CONT'D was in there. I'm using Final Draft 9 and didn't look at the PDF it created.
I see what you are saying about camera shots, i do try and stay away from them. Maybe I should have just said we see the back of the woman's hand, as this was supposed to be before a full reveal.
Cheers. I can see your doing your bit at looking at other people's work on the site.

Matthew.
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Marty
Posted: November 10th, 2017, 2:53pm Report to Moderator
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Matthew,

You are more than welcome. I hope you find some of it helpful.

Maybe I should have just said we see the back of the woman's hand, as this was supposed to be before a full reveal.
-Yes. Great Idea.

The CONT'D is a great point and often overlooked.
You can thank good ol' eldave1 for that one.

Cheers. I can see your doing your bit at looking at other people's work on the site.
-I appreciate the kind words.

Again, good job.

All the best,
Marty
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HyperMatt
Posted: November 14th, 2017, 8:07am Report to Moderator
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I've had some interest from a film student who wants to film this in the great forests of New South Wales. I'll keep you posted.
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Marty
Posted: November 14th, 2017, 8:41am Report to Moderator
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Matthew,

Great news!

Fingers crossed and best of luck to you.

All the best,
Marty
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HyperMatt
Posted: November 14th, 2017, 9:53am Report to Moderator
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Yes... fingers crossed.

thanks Marty.
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Marty
Posted: November 14th, 2017, 11:26am Report to Moderator
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Matthew,

You're more than welcome.

It was a nice script. I'm sure it would be easy to film.

I had three prospects for my script Daddy but nothing has come out of it so far, so I'm definitely pulling for you and everyone else on here.

All the best,
Marty
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HyperMatt
Posted: November 14th, 2017, 4:45pm Report to Moderator
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3 prospects is impressive. Give it time, and keep writing.
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Marty
Posted: November 15th, 2017, 11:43am Report to Moderator
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Matthew,

Thank you. I appreciate the positivity and motivation.

Keep us posted.

All the best,
Marty
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eldave1
Posted: November 15th, 2017, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
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Matthew - the story is really not my cup of tea (others will love it) but I did note a style issue that I think would help. You start too many sentences the same way, making the read feel more stilted then it actually is - for example, this passage:


Quoted Text
Cain grabs Abel by the shoulders and turns him round. Abel
grimaces from this rough treatment.

Cain throws Abelís sack aside and pulls up Abelís clothing,
revealing his back.

Cain pulls out a flint from his back and breaks off a small
branch from the tree.

Cain lights the branch and shines it on Abelís back,
revealing an elaborate tattoo map of the forest.


Shake up the structure a little bit to make it pop more - just spit balling, bit something like:


Cain grabs Abel by the shoulders, roughly turns him round.

A grimace from Abel as Cain and pulls up Abelís clothing,
baring his back.

CAIN
Be still.

The SNAP of a twig as Cain breaks it from a tree. He strikes a flint on a rock and
lights the branch.

Cain shines the light on Abelís back,
revealing an elaborate tattoo map of the forest.

Not exactly that - the point being, sometimes XX did this, XX does that can drag down a read - you can make it more interesting by breaking that pattern.

Hope this makes sense



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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HyperMatt
Posted: November 15th, 2017, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the honest critic Dave. I'll bear your points in mind.
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eldave1
Posted: November 15th, 2017, 2:22pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from HyperMatt
Thanks for the honest critic Dave. I'll bear your points in mind.


No problem. By the way - it was the only real hiccup for me - thought the writing was otherwise very solid


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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HyperMatt
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Thanks.  
One of the things that prompted me to write this, I heard that Faith based movies are quite hot right now.
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