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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  A Generous Donation - WT - Filmed
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  Author    A Generous Donation - WT - Filmed   (currently 2962 views)
Don
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 11:26am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Generous Donation by Warren Duncan - Short, Drama - A homeless man receives a beautiful gift. 1 page - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


Filmed as "Memories"



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  June 11th, 2019, 2:24pm
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khamanna
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 11:34am Report to Moderator
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Oh, Indian Giver, that was beautiful.
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Steven
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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This was a good one.
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Gary in Houston
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
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Not as enamored with this as the others here, but still a nice little story.

Best of luck,
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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Zombie Sean
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:13pm Report to Moderator
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A wonderful, uplifting tale. I enjoyed this one a lot, too.
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MarkItZero
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
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That was great. Simple, effective, moving. Think I'll learn from this one.


That rug really tied the room together.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:44pm Report to Moderator
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This probably needs some more pages to do it justice, drama is difficult in one page.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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JEStaats
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Now you've gone and got me all choked up. I guess that means it was a pretty damn good little short. Nicely done!
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ScottM
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 8:41pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, that last line gave me goosebumps!

For one page that’s impressive.


Any thoughts on my work in progress would be appreciated.

The Digger

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1521688645/s-0/#num2
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DanC
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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That was sad.  Good work getting so much across in such a short time.  Again, I wish that you'd spend more time with her and less on traffic and others.

Get to the crux of the story, fast.

Spoilers

If that's her dad, why only throw a pic down??  Work on that part and this could be really special.  Solid 3.  If I could do 3.5 I would.  This is slightly below the other 2 that got a 4 from me.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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PrussianMosby
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 3:20pm Report to Moderator
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A Generous Donation

A super clean read. The expression isn't dramatic enough though. Like: Why didn't she care before? And why then should I be touched by those people? There's just a dramatic element missing that makes us identify more and make them reasonable. Still, not bad.
3



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Stumpzian
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
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Who knows what happens next or what has happened before (or why)?
All these one-pagers are completely self-contained. Readers can infer certain things if they pay attention to what the writer has implied. This applies to a lot of scripts in this competition, which is what makes the one-page challenge so fascinating.

That said, I take this one at face value. It's poignant. Thumbs up.




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RJP
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 10:30pm Report to Moderator
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Nice little tear jerker you got there. Is this a prequel to Eat Fresh by any chance? Before our homeless hero begins to devour souls on the subway? lol

Good job!
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ajr
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 7:04am Report to Moderator
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Great job. This is one I'm putting on reserve until I review the others - definitely gets a 4, may get a 5 depending on the quality of the rest.  Simple, yet moving, with the one line of dialogue being an extremely powerful statement.

One of the criteria I'm using in my head is to test if the story would be enhanced at 5 pages. This one doesn't need additional pages. The theme was conveyed perfectly, and there's a complete story within the 60 seconds of screen time.

And I won't penalize you for it writer, but please do me a favor and look up the origins of the term "Indian Giver"...

(0:

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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eldave1
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 10:11am Report to Moderator
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Very nice job here.

SPOILERS

I would shorten this up:


Quoted Text
“Dementia
sufferer. Please help. Any donations will be appreciated. I
won’t remember your face, but I will remember your
generosity. God bless you.


It's a really long sign.

That's a real nit issue I know.

I enjoyed this one - great work


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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