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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Sorry I Couldn't Give You A Honeymoon
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  Author    Sorry I Couldn't Give You A Honeymoon  (currently 511 views)
Don
Posted: May 6th, 2018, 6:15pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Sorry I Couldn't Give You A Honeymoon by Daniel Walker - Short, Drama - A groom has an understanding excuse for not organizing a honeymoon. 1 page - pdf format

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Gerlinde
Posted: May 6th, 2018, 6:32pm Report to Moderator
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I do not know what to think of the script. I am used to reading a script so that there is an up and down of the plot and the characters. That does not exist here. And yet the presentation has not missed its goal. I imagined it. By the way, it's called RABBI, not priest.
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Warren
Posted: May 6th, 2018, 6:36pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, Daniel.

That gave me goosebumps, brilliant one pager!

Your title page is very busy, definitely doesn’t require a date.

All the best.


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DanielW
Posted: May 6th, 2018, 8:14pm Report to Moderator
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Gerline,
I know you’re not a fan of one page stories, but I really do appreciate you reading it.
One pagers aren’t everyone’s cup of tea.


Warren,

On the other hand, I know you love one pagers, after reading your one-pagers two weeks ago. The Painter inspired me to fit a story on one page - it’s not easy. And I wanted to do the exercise to trim my action, which sometimes drags.


Daniel
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Warren
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Well you did a hell of a job.

Congrats.


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Angry Bear
Posted: May 6th, 2018, 8:30pm Report to Moderator
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Quick easy script that does the job in just one page. Probably will be picked up soon as it is an easy shoot as well. Congratulations on a script well done.

I've been busy babysitting for the last four days and this morning we watched Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2 while having breakfast. Two chihuahuas got married in a church and after they said their I do's, the priest said, you may now lick the bride...  Best wedding line ever!


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DanielW
Posted: May 6th, 2018, 10:26pm Report to Moderator
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Ms Angry Bear,

That’s funny..


Daniel
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EricP
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Quoted from Don
Sorry I Couldn't Give You A Honeymoon by Daniel Walker - Short, Drama - A groom has an understanding excuse for not organizing a honeymoon. 1 page - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Hi Daniel,

your script reads like a Hook rather than a Story, because your missing quiet a few editorial elements. However if you aren't so hard press to keep this as one pager, I would put a few more editorial elements in your piece.

The Nazi's wouldn't allow the Jews to get married right before their execution. It's a touching idea, but probably not true to life, use this context-narrative to increase the emotional climax. So instead of having them perform the ceremony at the tree, why not have them perform it on the way to the tree.

They have time to actually perform the ceremony in doing in such a way that it's happening right under the nose of the Nazi's.

Another possible idea to consider, is make the Hook just the ceremony scene, and the wedding would take place in a proper location. The audience wouldn't suspect what was about to happen, because it appears to be a typical wedding. Since we know the guest at the ceremony are part of the family of the Bride and Groom, they are also on their way to be executed, but we the audience don't know this yet. Therefore you increase the emotional stakes of what's about to happen.

Hence you set this beautiful scene up, and we're like this is a wedding movie, until it cuts to them either in the back of a truck or walking towards the tree.

As the couple with their family walk away from the ceremony grounds they might be on their way to plant a tree.  The young tree becomes the symbol of their marriage vows and the location of their ultimate deaths at the same time.

The transition can take place from the walk to the site  or better yet, after the tree is planted. The execution can be done in silence and quickly, hence we don't need to hear the sound of gunfire.  Seeing the entire wedding party get gun down would really send us a reminder what the Holocaust was really about.



Last thing, I would encourage you to change the name from Priest to Officiator, otherwise it reads like a mistake instead of a guise.


Eric
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DanielW
Posted: May 7th, 2018, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
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Eric,

Appreciate the feedback.

I had one rule for this script. It had to fit on one page. So, with that in mind, I had to get to the point.
Your assumption that the Nazis wouldn’t allow a wedding before an execution. In general terms, you’re probably right, but we will never know some of the ‘sick games’ they played before executions, so I’m happy to leave the ceremony in.

Thanks for the read.

Daniel
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Gerlinde
Posted: May 7th, 2018, 7:26pm Report to Moderator
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@ Daniel,

These Nazi pigs in the concentration camps had played many sick games. A "wedding" before the execution was never among them. But this is less about reality than about history. A story does not have to be true, it has to be true in itself. And there the ceremony fits before the execution.
Yes, I do not like screenplays that are only one page long. But that's because I believe that a story, like a person, has to evolve. Your story inspired me to write a screenplay that I'm working on. It is named "Never forgive, never forget". It is about an old Jewish woman in a small town who survived the horror of the Holocaust as a child, and by chance struck the great-grandson of the Nazi, who killed her mother. She learns that her mother's killer lives in the US and wants to murder him to restore "justice." In the end, she recognizes something and acts accordingly.
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DanielW
Posted: May 7th, 2018, 8:19pm Report to Moderator
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Gerlinde,

I look forward to reading your story in the coming weeks/months.

Daniel
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EricP
Posted: May 7th, 2018, 8:28pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DanielW
Eric,

Appreciate the feedback.

I had one rule for this script. It had to fit on one page. So, with that in mind, I had to get to the point.
Your assumption that the Nazis wouldn’t allow a wedding before an execution. In general terms, you’re probably right, but we will never know some of the ‘sick games’ they played before executions, so I’m happy to leave the ceremony in.

Thanks for the read.

Daniel


To be clear, I never asked you to remove the ceremony. I like it. I just encouraged you to convey it in a manner that's believable, because as it is right now you have a plot hole. Your target audience is pretty sophisticated when it comes to the holocaust so leave no stone un turned.

Eric
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HyperMatt
Posted: May 9th, 2018, 2:44pm Report to Moderator
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I wish I didn't read the comments, it would have been a good surprise.
Simple effective story that pulls the right strings. Less is more. It's not even up to one page.


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khamanna
Posted: May 9th, 2018, 2:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Daniel.

The way you mislead has a great appeal. I liked this a lot.
Thinking you could get away with her crying. You could have some nice description of them being in sad and grieving and in love, but crying is not fitting in my opinion.

She could say something about a small ceremony being her favorite or something. -just a little something that came to my mind while reading, thought I'd share.

Nice work!
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DanielW
Posted: May 9th, 2018, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
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HyperMatt, Khamanna & Cat,

Appreciate the comments. If you know you’re going to die, how would you react? I can see your point, K. I guess, everyone’s different.

Daniel
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