SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 6:31am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Sorry I Couldn't Give You A Honeymoon
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 3 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Sorry I Couldn't Give You A Honeymoon  (currently 1574 views)
eldave1
Posted: May 9th, 2018, 8:48pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
Daniel:

Excellent, excellent job for a  one pager.  Two areas IMO where it could be punched up.


Quoted Text
The Priest gives the Bride and Groom a handshake.


Pretty pedestrian. I would (a) just eliminate it or (b) give it a little more emotion to convey the Priest's emotional state. e.g., The Priest wipes a tear. His hand trembles as he takes the brides hand.

Something like that. I know it's a real nit, but he's a Priest knowing the doom that is coming and seems just a bit nonplussed about it.

I know you only had one page - but if you could fit it, the ending could be punched up by slowing the pace. You have:


Quoted Text
NAZI COMMANDER (V.O.)
(Yelling)
bereit Ziel Feuer
(Ready aim fire)


NAZI COMMANDER (V.O.)
(German, subtitled)
Ready...

The Bride squeezes the Groom's hand as the Priest steps away.

NAZI COMMANDER (V.O.)
(German, subtitled)
Aim...

GROOM
(to Bride)
Together - forever.

A kiss on the cheek from the Groom

NAZI COMMANDER (V.O.)
(German, subtitled)
Fire!

Or something like that - it's a delicious ending you have and IMO it comes just a bit too fast. I know - it's a one pager


Question for anyone (I honestly don't know the answer) - in scripts, when you intro a character as a generic (e.g., PRIEST, GROOM, BRIDE, etc.) do you cap the first letter in subsequent action sequences. i.e., should this:


Quoted Text
The priest gives the bride and groom a handshake.


be this:

The Priest gives the Bride and Groom a handshake.

I always do the latter - but I don't think I know the correct way.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 15 - 19
ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: May 10th, 2018, 4:16am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
A helluva long way from LA
Posts
1565
Posts Per Day
0.29
@DanielW

For a one pager, I thought it was really effective.  Easy to film too.  The convention is everything contained within a wrylie (parenthetical) is in lower case, no uppercase, no capitalization.

Good luck with it.

Ghostie


Logged
Private Message Reply: 16 - 19
AustinT
Posted: May 13th, 2018, 1:55am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
38
Posts Per Day
0.02
Hey Daniel,

Loved the script, so succinct, impacting.

I think Khamanna and Cat are onto something. It might be interesting to see them sad but accepting of their fate because they married each other, its the last great act of love.

Or keep the crying, I guess this would be more in the actual filming of the script, and leave it ambiguous. Are they crying because they are about to die or because  they were able to find a ray of happiness in their love for one another despite their awful situation?

I guess its all about the tone you were going for but as is it works for me.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 17 - 19
DanielW
Posted: May 14th, 2018, 7:42pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Melbourne, Australia
Posts
68
Posts Per Day
0.03
Dave, Ghostie & Aus,

Appreciate the feedback, especially the tudoring aspect of your conversations.

Some fantastic ideas, and in hindsight, I should have moved it into the second page.

Daniel
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 18 - 19
eldave1
Posted: May 14th, 2018, 7:43pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95

Quoted from DanielW
Dave, Ghostie & Aus,

Appreciate the feedback, especially the tudoring aspect of your conversations.

Some fantastic ideas, and in hindsight, I should have moved it into the second page.

Daniel


My pleasure - it was a real solid script


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 19 - 19
 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Drama Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006