SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is November 15th, 2018, 6:29am
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
October OWC Who Wrote What and Writers Choice
And the Hyper Epic pick is...

The Night Gallery 7WC Scripts

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  The Trunk - Sold
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    The Trunk - Sold  (currently 511 views)
Don
Posted: June 21st, 2018, 4:07pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12549
Posts Per Day
1.93
The Trunk by Rene Claveau - Short, Drama - A woman struggles to dispose of a suspiciously large and heavy trunk. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  July 10th, 2018, 7:29pm
Logged
Site Private Message
StevenClark
Posted: June 27th, 2018, 12:09pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Upstate NY
Posts
1704
Posts Per Day
0.81
Rene,

Noticed you had something new up. Nice little story. Could see this easily being produced. Is this a first draft you just banged out and posted? I only say that because thereís a few typos, and I donít recall seeing an age for Inez. Easily fixable stuff, but I donít think it even matters much. Good work.

Steve


Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 9
ReneC
Posted: June 27th, 2018, 12:50pm Report to Moderator
Green



Location
Vancouver, BC
Posts
517
Posts Per Day
0.20
Thanks! Must have missed those typos. I gave it a once-over and a bit of a rewrite, but didn't give it another full read before posting. Guess I should have.  

I felt Inez didn't really need an age. She's obviously young enough to do the physical parts, and old enough to drink, so I left it open.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 2 - 9
Kirsten
Posted: June 30th, 2018, 8:16pm Report to Moderator
Purple


Giving up is not an option....

Location
Kiwi in Ohio
Posts
188
Posts Per Day
0.23
Hi Rene, I enjoyed this. Nice job...


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 9
eldave1
Posted: July 1st, 2018, 11:45am Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Southern California
Posts
3806
Posts Per Day
2.43
Rene: gave this a read. Overall - quite liked it.

A couple of nit suggestions:

This passage of action gets a little "she" heavy. i.e, she this and she that.


Quoted Text
Inez has her back to it, using her feet to propel herself.
She stops, out of breath.

She goes to the bathroom sink and runs the water. She rubs
her wet hands across her neck and upper back to cool off.
When she splashes water on her face she winces and touches
her lip.

She looks in the mirror. Itís broken, the circular spiderweb
pattern heavily distorting her features. She notices a few
strands of hair stuck in the cracks and automatically reaches
for the back of her head.


I would look for different pronouns/tactics to break the repetition. e.g.,

Inez has her back to it, using her feet to propel herself.
She stops, out of breath.

AT THE SINK

Inez cups water in her hands, brings them to her face to cool off. A wince of pain as the water
touches her damaged lip.

etc. - Not that exactly - but just something to break up the she does this then she does that pattern.

SPOILER


Quoted Text
Jim waves as he leaves. He notices the red trail on the
walkway and gives Inez a quizzical look. He nods uncertainly
and returns to his home neighboring hers.


Not sure about the above. Jim seems a little non-plussed about the streaks of faux blood and wouldn't the boyfriend notice it when he came home??

To me, it would be more effective if the red liquid  started to ooze out of the corner of the trunk once Jim turns and walks away.

Anyway - just nits - loved the twist - a cool little story well written.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 4 - 9
colkurtz8
Posted: July 2nd, 2018, 6:08am Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1581
Posts Per Day
0.42
Rene

A small yet vital thing nonetheless but I always include the age of a character (unless we canít see them yet) when introducing them.

ďShe notices a few strands of hair stuck in the cracks and automatically reaches for the back of her head.Ē

- Good attention to detail. Striking visual.

I wonder could Jim be a little more suspicious and a little less accepting, gullible, whatever. Just to add a bit of tension. Iím not saying he should rumble her (as the script wonít work then) but given the circumstances; Inezís manner, her loaded responses, the previous nightís fight (I know its implied these altercations are nothing new but still), the trunk and blood trail, its sooooo fishy, you know.

I suspected there would be a twist as everything was pointing toward disposing of a corpse so no real surprise there.

I have to ask though (yes Iím being that asshole) but couldnít she just have put his paints and stuff into a bag and carried them out that way? I know the main crux of the story is this singular struggle of carrying that big heavy trunk but when there is an easy alternative that negates the central mission it lessens its potency I think.

Also, and this might just be my hang-up but it annoys me when I see destruction of property carried out by the scorned/abused woman depicted in such a heroic manner. Sometimes I see it done for comedy too. It bugs me.

Itís like, ďLook, sheís throwing all his shit out the 2nd storey window! Isnít that hilarious/righteous/empowering?Ē No, itís not. She is breaking the law. Now it might seem Iím being prudish but it only boils my blood for the simple fact that if you revered the gender, it would be shown in a completely different light...as cowardly, vindictive, petty, a dick move.

Yes, here, all signs show that the boyfriend is an abusive asshole, that of course shouldnít be tolerated but as we learn, he took a beating too. It seems Inez can handle herself. She even says to Jim: ďWe did it to each otherĒ so it looks like itís a two way street. What right does she have burning his stuff?

Not only that, but we are now expected to cheer her on? Hmm, I dunno, that doesnít sit well with me at all. Frankly, I think its BS.

Anyway, you can clearly write, I like how you spent so much time focusing on that one particular task. In 9 out of 10 scripts this wouldíve been half a page but you really went step by step through each part of the arduous process. I appreciate how you were able to identify real conflict and toil there which a lot of us would otherwise dismiss. That consideration of the micro impressed me most about the piece.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 9
ReneC
Posted: July 10th, 2018, 2:22am Report to Moderator
Green



Location
Vancouver, BC
Posts
517
Posts Per Day
0.20
Thanks for the great feedback. There was some interest in this script, and after I addressed some of the issues in the rewrite Iím happy to announce this script has been sold.

Looking forward to the finished film!


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 6 - 9
LC
Posted: July 10th, 2018, 4:04am Report to Moderator
Yellow


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
2841
Posts Per Day
0.77
Rene, I meant to comment on this the other day. Most of my comments were addressed by other critiques, mainly regarding Jim's blasť reactions to the leaking red substance and finessing a couple of things.

I was captive audience the whole way btw. Very enjoyable.

Congrats on it being picked up.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 9
Warren
Posted: July 10th, 2018, 8:22pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
1575
Posts Per Day
1.76
Hi Rene,

Good little read. Definitely had no idea where it was going.

SPOILER

It was confusing why Jim didnít seem concerned with the red streak. I guess he might know the partner is a painter and assume itís paint. That way the only people not in on it are the audience, which is perfectly fine of course.

On the surface itís a very dark tale with a satisfying twist.

Congrats on the sale. I look forward to seeing the film.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb
Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 9
eldave1
Posted: July 10th, 2018, 8:37pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Southern California
Posts
3806
Posts Per Day
2.43

Quoted from ReneC
Thanks for the great feedback. There was some interest in this script, and after I addressed some of the issues in the rewrite Iím happy to announce this script has been sold.

Looking forward to the finished film!


Congrats!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 9 - 9
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Drama Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006