The Barista by Fausto Lucignani - Short, Drama - After the acrimonious separation from her lesbian lover, a  barista must make a life-changing decision while attending to a customer in the coffee shop where she works. 6 pages

production: Female protagonist. Shoestring production. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Fausto,

I like reading your work, but I think the ending was underwhelming.

It’s easy in hindsight, but imagine Siena arriving at the counter, exchanging words, then ending it with, “I’m pregnant”. (Just thinking out loud)

There’s a lot of great options for another page or two, for this one, IMO.

Daniel

Hi Fausto,

Haven’t read anything from you in a while so decided to give this a look.

I'm not sure there is much of a story here or any real payoff.

If it was filmed it would mainly be a phone conversation, not even an intercut one just a one-view conversation.

Quoted Text INT. APARTMENT - ROOM - HALF HOUR LATER

You would only see the HALF HOUR LATER if it was written as a SUPER. I don’t think this exact amount of time has any relevance to the story and I think a LATER slug would be sufficient.

The dialogue is quite on the nose. Both woman say exactly what they are thinking, absolutely nothing is left to subtext.

Quoted Text INT. COFFEE SHOP - MINUTES LATER Emily holds a cup of steaming coffee. A radiant smile illuminates her features. INT. COFFEE SHOP - SAME TIME Emily places the cup in front of Siena.

The second slug isn’t required and isn’t technically correct. It's not the same time, if anything it's CONTINUOUS. Again it’s really not relevant as we will assume the coffee is made and then delivered in the amount of time it takes to carry out that task. You can eliminate the second slug completely and you lose nothing.

The title and logline are out of place and misleading.

The Barista - Does this really hold any significance to the story? Sure she is a barista, but so what?

Logline - I don’t know what the life-changing decision was. I mean maybe not to take her partner back? That doesn’t feel like much of a payoff.

Maybe turning the conversation into an intercut so you can see both speakers reactions will add something but probably not enough.

Unfortunately this one wasn’t for me. Just too thin a story.

All the best.

Hi Daniel and Warren,
thank you very much for your suggestions. I truly appreciate it! I agree with you, the story is "thin" and cries for an extension. Probably, I'll do it. The reason why this story is so short is that I wanted to present the two side of the barista...one as a person outside her job (with pain and suffering) and one on the job where she has to show a happy face while inside she's dying.  This was my intent. I will work on it, fixing the writing imperfections and making it a full story. In the meantime, let's have a good coffee together.
My best
Fausto